At the Middle

I’ve “always” known to be and feel “different”.

What a burden it’s been and continues to be so even at my age now. My older brother and the eldest, my sister, were popular at school, clever, good fun, well informed and with real friends. I was anything but unable to know who I am or how to make lasting friends, always thought that I am stupid, teacher tied my left hand behind my back every morning to prevent me using/writing with my right hand, I was 7, This caused me much humiliation and embarrassment, it made me feel even more self conscious.

I craved attention and to be heard or noticed, when I did receive any input I usually blew it, the attention went to my head. Weak, pleasing personality and I despised myself at times. Somehow I never truly succeed, all my life I have always been second best but that’s my own doing because I am now incapable of ever putting myself first so I very often fail.

Believe me I have tried to change, but nothing works.

I do have my happy and good moments but I never quite fit in and feel that I am on the peripheral.

I am “pleasing” another word would be weak, boring, unable to question or challenge very much, always afraid of being rejected, so I developed a “pleasing” nature with my Mum in order to survive, I must have got on her nerves terribly.

I’m OK, But I have also been selfish and cruel by lacking much understanding and being naive and ignorant in the past. I could put my signature as “Loser” but I don’t want to down myself any more.

I could leave the past and guilt alone if my life was good now; I guess I just have got to live with this low self esteem, not a lot to be proud of – eh

Mary

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