Scarred for Life

Hi, my name is Sandra but I go by my middle name Desiree I’m 22 yrs old. My brother is 3 years older than me. I have a younger sister who is 18.

Growing up my brother and I had a horrible childhood. My dad always drank and hit us. He beat up my mom and called her a bitch. He would call me a whore and I was only 12 years old. Meanwhile my sister would witness everything. He never told her anything because she was his spitting image. He loved her and in my entire life I only saw him hit her twice.

At 15, I had my first boyfriend and saw him at school in secret. Somehow, my mom and dad found out and they would call me a bitch. Slut whore a fucking disgrace. My dad disowned me at this age because I had a boyfriend. To this day we don’t talk. Well, years later my brother dropped out of high school. I graduated high school, have a technical certificate. I still want to go to college and be something to be very proud of. I’m the first in my family to do all this.

Meanwhile my mom was kicking me out and telling me to get the fuck out of her house. She would tell me that I aint doing shit with my life. So I left. I now live on my own and pay my own bills.

For these past 2 years I have been depressed and spend the entire day in my room. I could spend all day in bed. This depression, low self esteem, and anger have me feeling crazy. I’m only 22 but I’m emotionally drained and sometimes have no reason to live. I am jobless and all my family says is that I’m lazy.

Oh, by the way my 18 year old sister has brought men to the house. Slept with them there and my mom doesn’t say a thing. I told her that why doesn’t she stop my sisters behavior. She laughs and says “oh its cuz she’s strong willed and a badass”. My brother has also had women over and nobody tells him a thing. They just smile and are proud that he brings so many women to the house. I’m the only person in the family to have such achievements and they aren’t recognized it’s sad. I’m the middle child and have always been treated bad. My brother is the rebellious one and my little sister is spoiled rotten.

I’ve asked my mom why they treated me bad and she says I’m lying. She’s said that I’m just hysterical and that everything I remember is a lie.

So for these past 4 day i have decided to not talk to my family. They are toxic. They hurt me so much and all I ever wanted was love and a stable family. I think it’s time I disown them.

Desiree

One thought on “Scarred for Life

  1. Desiree,

    Your family is toxic and dysfunctional. You most likely feel as though you are crazy because they have given you the ultimate rejection in life. I’m sure your pain manifests itself through every detail and situation of your daily life. You are suppose to count on family…. right. The ultimate denial of your parents to recognize the wrong done by your siblings is very real. Dysfunctional families cling very close to everyone continuing to play/act/model in the role they gave you long ago (stereotyped or pegged). You may have fit into that role for some time in your life as well. Your anger or rage at their injustice is not necessarily a bad thing. It means you don;t want them to view you as “that person” or “in that role” anymore. You want to be seen as someone different, the person you want to truly be and know that you are deep down. It is an unspoken truth you know of yourself and your spirit is crying out for you to set boundaries and to be seen as someone other than who they have demanded you be. They will never listen to you… never validate you… and never accept you in any other role as long as they are in this dysfunction… they are sick and toxic. Listen to those words Desiree and understand the sickness. They believe down to their very core they are in the right and they don’t know any other way to see things. Toxic and Dysfunctional families cannot cope with change. If they were able to do so…. it would require that they change and see the err of their ways. The are UNABLE to do this! You have no choice other than withdraw from them completely…. otherwise you will never now who you are and know your highest potential as a human being (physical, emotional and spiritual). I would advise you to give your anger, rage, jelousey, resentment and ill will towards them to God on a daily basis so you may be set free of them. It is all these feeling that keep you hostage in your own prison. Separating yourself and placing yourself around supportive healthy people and people that have never met you… a fresh start will keep you growing in love and wisdom for yourself. The more love you have for yourself, the more you will have to give to others. The more love flowing back and forth to others offers you a freedom beyond words. The sad and humiliating truth is…. you still see yourself as your family sees you which is why you spend your days like you do, depressed and hopeless. I only know this because I have been there and in no way judge you. I will warn you… when you make the decision to make a clean break it will feel like you have had a great loss in your life. This will dissipate over time and on the other side of that pain down the road each year from the start you will experience more freedom, love, life and humility than you ever imagined. . This will take alot of humility and much soul searching for the growth and escape from the prison you have lived in for so long. I have given you the key….. will you attempt to unlock the door? I could match my families injustices and write a book, and make your life experience seem small, but I am so past that now. I realize that today… in my life…. I would never allow anyone to treat me as they had, nor would I consider associating myself with any person like that. That reinforces to me every day just how “sick” they really are. Your job is not to make then see things your way and how wronged you…. that is prison. Your job is to overcome the obstacle in your life God has given you. It is called “bearing your cross” and asking for God to take it away and replace all those toxic emotions within yourself with his love. Give up the hate and the sin Desiree and replace it with his love. This is a process and Life is a journey. There will be good days at first along with bad days creeping in, but overtime the bad days are less and less. The truth is….. you cannot live in the presence of sick & toxic people and not carry some of that sickness within yourself. When some of your own toxic tendencies arise and are revealed to you, and they will come, take a good hard look at yourself and allow yourself to see and feel toxic behavior and tendencies revealed to you. It may even occur by you observing another person’s toxic behavior and realize you have the same behavior. The willingness and hope to change that within yourself is humility. Ask God to remove them from your heart and replace it with his love. Your willingness is the key to your freedom and a greater life worth living. My words are spoken from experience…. God Bless!

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