Hey there! I’m Hailey and I’m a middle child 🙂
So.. you must be wondering, is Middle Child Syndrome real or not? Is it a real issue or just another made up condition for millenials? If you are a middle child yourself or a parent of a middle child, please read on!
What is Middle Child?
A middle child is someone who is born in between two or more siblings. Being born in the middle, as you’ll soon find out, is not that simple. The middle child, unlike the eldest or youngest child, does not get much attention. Middle children are also usually considered outcasts in their families and often develop a condition called Middle Child Syndrome.
What is Middle Child Syndrome?
Middle child syndrome is a condition in which children born in the middle experience feelings of emptiness, inadequacy and jealousy. It is also characterized by low self-esteem and extreme introversion, sometimes even leading to psychotic behavior.
The middle child, unlike the eldest child and the youngest child, is not given much attention. They have to go the extra mile just to get some of it. Middle children tend to be achievers because they need awards to be recognized by their parents. Sadly, this also goes the other way around, they can be very troublesome and determined to get noticed even if it means getting scolded at or punished.
Because they lack emotional support and guidance from their parents, they will always have a sense of low self-esteem. These feelings of emptiness and loneliness make them not very friendly and maybe even weird to other people. Most likely, these negative feelings will also stop them from pursuing what they want.
Other observable traits of middle children are insecurity and jealousy. Being raised in an environment where they have to compete for attention, it’s natural for them to have feelings of insecurity and jealousy of others. Seeing others easily get attention while they continue to strive for attention, these feelings of resentment towards others will continue to build up. All these repressed feelings of being unloved, unwanted or even hated can trigger an extreme case of middle child syndrome where they show psychotic behavior.
Possible Causes of Middle Child Syndrome
After discussing the common traits of people with middle child syndrome, we can find two main causes, identity crisis and lack of emotional support.
Identity crisis is very common to us all, and it’s something that we all experience at some point in our lives. Wanting to be different from everyone else is very normal and there’s not much we can do about it. The other cause is lack of support. Because the eldest and youngest are the common favorites, the middle child is not given any support or attention. This unloved feeling makes them less confident and envious of others, often leading to even more problems such as drug abuse.
Is there a Solution?
Some say that middle children should be given the love and attention that they should have had when they were young, but I believe this will only make them more dependent on their parent’s approval.
There are also cases where middle children tend to separate from their family at a relatively early age to have families of their own. While having a new family means getting another chance, I do not think this is the best solution because escaping the past will not really resolve any childhood issues and these issues may haunt them for the rest of their lives.
The main cause of middle child syndrome is lack of emotional support, which is the responsibility of the parents. So logically, I would have to say that good and responsible parenting is the real and outright solution for middle child syndrome. While this may sound more like prevention rather than treatment, I think that it’s never too late for good and responsible parenting.
But this is just my opinion, what do you think? Comments are very much appreciated.
Feel free to join the discussion. We’d love to hear from you!
Ben
Where is your evidence for all these claims you make?
I can buy that the eldest child usually has better leadership qualities and a more decisive personality (the type A personality), but from there I don’t agree with your stabs-in-the-dark.
For example, I know MANY eldest children that have had constant problems with depression and MANY youngest children who lack confidence. That all depends on parenting style.
You also ignore the positives of being a middle child – the main one being that they are, on average, the sociable one in the family and have great communication skills, through learning to mediate between different people.
CEOs are mostly first-borns, but salespeople are mostly middle children.
Middle children are typically free-spirited, chill, and rebellious and enjoy peace and harmony in relationships. The good? Very sociable person who makes connections easily. The bad? The desire to be a people-pleaser can creep in and prevent a middle child from doing what is best for them.
Also, let’s not forget that middle children have great senses of humor and speak fluent sarcasm. They learn to question and be skeptical of the first-born’s words and actions, which in turn leads them to develop a skeptical worldview. We need these people, or we’d be stuck in the same old ways of thinking forever.
Middle children out there – it’s unfortunate that this post is one of the top Google search results on “middle children.” Pick yourself up and annoy first-borns with your skeptical thinking 🙂 We’ll rule the world someday!
Josephine
A friend of mine mentioned about this syndrome and thought that i may be suffering from it as i’ve always complained about the unfair treatment from my parents. I used to feel that i’m adopted due to all the “favouritism”. I’m the second child (18) with an elder sister(20) and 2 younger siblings(14, 11). Among the 4 of us, i’ve always achieved the best academic and non-academic results. I’ve won many trophies from sports competitions and certificates for my academic achievements. Despite all of these, my parents NEVER tell me “I am proud of you”. My brother is the youngest in the family. He won a small trophy once and my mom placed his trophy on the top shelf while mine are all placed at the bottom. She even took pictures of the bloody trophy but treated mine like junks. I always feel that i am never good enough for them. They only brag about me (because im the only one with the achievements) to their friends but i know they feel otherwise. I mean, what’s the point of telling others how proud they are of me but never even said “I am proud of you” right to my face??
When i fight with my older sister, I’m at fault. because i’m younger, i should not be rude and go against the older one. When i fight with the younger siblings, i’m at fault too. because i’m older and i should know better than to fight with the smaller ones. SO WHO GIVES IN TO ME THEN??
I’ve mentioned this to my mom. And how i felt that i was adopted. Instead of listening to me seriously, she made a joke out of it. She thought it was funny and stupid how i keep thinking that i was adopted because even if i was adopted, she wouldn’t have chosen me but a boy instead. I feel that not only they don’t care and love me as much as they do the others…but they don’t want me as much too.
How can they not see how this can affect my upbringing?? They keep telling us that they love ALL THE SAME. but we all know it’s bullshit.
My brother, spoiled with attention and money, is growing up to be a pain in the butt. My older sis, given much freedom and choices, has become someone unreliable and ignorant. With anger and all the suppressed emotions from my childhood, i’ve become the fierce and the more distant sibling.
I dont know what to do with all this emotions inside of me. Sometimes i feel that im becoming depressed because of it. I feel like running away from home and i cannot wait to move out. Do i need help?
CC
I’m the middle of three girls, and my littlest sister is sort of spoiled, and my oldest sister gets away with a lot more then i do. but i don’t think i suffer from lack of self-confidence or anything, but i guess it’s because my parents are still proud of me when i accomplish anything, and my older sister is really awesome. when she gets mad at me it doesn’t last very long. but i do think occassionally im a little left out, but somehow i think thats better for me
AJ # 2
Oh wow, it really is true. Wow all this time I thought it was a myth, a sorta white-ghost that haunted the back of my mind, a mindless superstition cooked up by the bored and frustrated. But no, it’s true, all of you, shit all of us are just angry because nobody paid attention to us. You know what, as hard as my mom had it raising me, and my other two siblings I’m kinda glad I got less attention, what between the job and the mortgage the confused eldest who sometimes was the closest thing to a dad we could get, to the hurt and directionless daughter who could never understand why Daddy stopped loving her I thought it would a bit much to ask my present and prevailing parent to have to deal with my emotional crap too. You know what though? She did, look I may have been ignored a lot, and sure it still happens but who care’s? Someone was there when I screwed up, someone offered me the guidance no one else could when I was scared and alone. I know far too many people who didn’t have that at all on their way up, so I’m not about to complain. Besides I have much better stuff I can be thinking about than that old crap-sack. You know something I’ve noticed about middle brats though? We’re smart, we’re adaptable and we can carry more emotional baggage than most people care to contemplate in their lives which means we can take weight and move with it so I’ll figure out what my role is all on my own damn self, and I’ll appreciate the wisdom I was fortunate enough to notice on the way up
Edward McAuley
Hey, I didn’t realize you are 22. Please accept my apology for my last post. I misunderstood this forum and I spoke inappropriately.
Here is my advice. Yes, I know, you didn’t ask -but I am going to offer it anyway because you are certainly intelligent enough to see the value in it and because I owe you penance.
Go to college. You are bright and talented and you are searching. Potential doesn’t get any better than that!
In college, you will learn the answers to most of the things you seek and many, many more, that you never dreamed of asking. Life and your interactions with others, even family, will be more easily navigated and less of a mystery to you and you will be well-respected among your peers and family. You will be happy and productive in your efforts for the rest of your life.
1. Go to your local state or community college, make sure it is a state or county college that is accredited within the state’s system, 2. Talk to the financial aid office. Find out what you have to do to get in and DO IT! Don’t let anyone deter you from this and DO NOT put it off!
And for goodness sake do not be distracted by “Joe’s truck driving school” or “Mary’s Hair cutting school” or “Fred’s Automotive tech school” or “Jeanette’s computer school,” etc. commercials on television! Go to a real College.
You have all the ingredients for success!
Now go grab life by the tail kid! And make sure you study hard and have a great time! Let everyone sit back and be amazed; you are going to WOW the world!
Edward McAuley
This is some of the most irresponsible writing I have read in a while. This child order “psychology,” while popular within the “pop psychology” community, is mostly looked at with a great deal of skepticism and it is not held with much regard in the serious psychological community as, most of the traits identified are more properly assigned to other factors in child development. One need only peruse the publications of the industry to find this to be true. Try your local community college or university library.
You should be concerned by this because this author’s statements are intended to change the way people see themselves and the way they feel about themselves, by giving them a simple “categorization” within which they may frame and relate to themselves and to the world at at large. Many people have been led down a negative path by this kind of writing; most of course, ultimately realize this is bunk. There are many examples of middle children who are happy, well-adjusted, productive and well-respected members of their communities and the world community.
The author makes claims with no supporting evidence, no examples and no references to credible science or noteworthy analysis. The piece is not framed in any psychological context, at all. Further, the author makes sweeping, negative assertions and draws unsupported, negative, hasty and sweeping conclusions. This is poor writing and the advice is therefore not helpful to the community at large.
If the author really wants to help (and likely does), he/she should learn how to follow more well-respected psychology, express him or herself properly and professionally, and research the topic properly, before putting a blog out that will waste people’s time in the reading of it, and potentially cause them even further waste of time in considering what has been presented.
I want my 5c back, Lucy!
Kate
@Marcia, That’s only 3 people, there are millions of people in the world who were middle children. It’s not always the same for everyone. People are different. As a Psychology professor, you should definitely know that.
Middle Child
I was googling “middle children” and I came across this article. I’m not sure if I relate or not. But, Marcia, you do sound like the oldest, not that I’m over generalizing. In a way, it might be true that we do have low self esteem but that can be changed by the individual. I feel that just maybe, I changed that for myself. However, my siblings comment and say that I’m the spoiled one. So, I’m not sure what to believe. It is the individual’s responsibility to be the way they are.
Ashley
As a 12 year old middle child, I possess many of these traits, mostly rebellious and trouble socializing, but my older sister, meanwhile, could not be more talented. She is almost ready for college, and bound to get a scholarship. I try my best, but rarely feel like I’m doing enough. I try to tell them, but they call me a drama queen. The only thing I know they’re proud of me for is my computer skills, which they rarely even see. Not to mention my younger brother, who’s 8, has aspergers, or high functioning Autism, and OCD. also agree with Madeline!
jason
I don’t think it’s accurate to define middle children as psychotic. I think this paper is ludicrous and has no bearing whatsoever in any regard to child psychology. Whoever wrote this is preposterous and a fraud. Please stop deluding parents who care for their children to this utter nonsense.
Nahlee
Who wrote this? I could see the low-self esteem thing, but Middle children are weird? Give me a break. That’s just rude. Also, pointing out an unfairness/inbalance of attention doesn’t make me jealous, it means that the treatment among siblings is unfair and I’m trying to bring to some dingbats attention that they’re handing me the short end of the stick. Please realize I have no need to be jealous. I am fine fine with my smart, beautiful,talented and creative self! The flaw is not with me- its with the person/people who don’t offer me the recognnition I deserve and don’t know how to support their kids equally. Quit picking on the middle kids already! I think the oldest is threatened by my originality, drive and success and the youngest just wishes they had more depth and empathy. I think it weird that a family member would be so ignored and then when they speak up about they are called weird and jealous. How stupid.
preolan
I think middle child syndrome is a fallacy
alliyah
This is so true! I am 14 my brother is 19 and my little sister is 9 . I am completely ignored. What do I have to do have a baby to get noticed!!!
anomynous
i can relate to this in every way because i went through deppression and emotional abuse. i have an older brother and a younger sister . ofcourse my sister gets all the attention and is SPOILED and on how amazingly talented she is in dancing and playing the flute and getting straight As through out all her school years in middle school. my brother is supposably the responsible one who gets away with anything and is the smart one, has a job and gets to do pretty much whatever he wants and gets to make the decisions in everything. and i of course am the maid in the house i clean up after everyone dishes, laundry, bathrooms, vacume, mop dust etc.and i cook dinner for the family and my mom when she gets home from work and i get no credit for it i play the piano and sing and my mom never wants to come to my performances and says its a waste of time for her to pick me up and drop me of for my practices. for me its alote to do all the cleaning in the house and to do all my homework especailly with my AP classes and still nobody gives attention to me or wants to help me. the only time i do get attention in the house is when i do something wrong and the whole world is on my head about it. my mom ignores for a month and then when she decides to talk to me again she keeps bringing up the mistakes ive done from years ago and to make me feel guilty im not aloud to go to my friends house or go out to chill with friends i cant even talk to a friend on the phone without my mom watching keenly and asking questions i cant have a boyfriend and im trapped in my own house. i get blamed for anything that goes wrong even when its not my fault and my mom never tells me she loves me unless its in public in front of people. and people ask me how i still manage to put a smile on. plus my father lives on the other side of the world he never even bothers to call even though my father did alote of wrong to my mom and wasnt perfect he always loved me and showed it and for some reason i was my dads favorite he even said. strangly. and my mom knows i love my dad yet she expects me to hate him. im 17 and shes still treating me as if im 11
marcia
I am a professor of psychology. This is the most made up insane list of over generalizations I have ever read. I am the OLDEST of two. We have no middle children in my family. My husband, best friend, and business partner all happen to be middle children (and these are 3 different people). Nothing you said above applies to any of them. Perhaps you are looking for an excuse for being a failure or being a bitter person, but it is NOT because you were a middle child. Or perhaps there is a middle child you personally are angry at and you want to vent. Either way, this is really pathetic.
John
Julie- Been there, done that. Don’t get too frustrated NOW. Your older sister won’t be there much longer and then YOU will be the oldest! My older brother used to beat me up (not too bad – just enough to toughen me up a little – and now he is in awe of my abilities as one of the top martial artists in the country) and my little sister was always abusing her status as youngest. Don’t forget that “whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” You will be a better person coming out of all this. At least you seem to understand at a relatively young age what is going on. Keep focused on your school and gymnastics (don’t worry if others are in your corner – just do your best and enjoy the healthy activity). You’ll do fine! Good luck!
madeline
well, after reading all the comments here… i’m glad that im not alone with this middle child syndrome. Still im glad im a middle child because emotionally im more stronger than my siblings, im not intelligent like my sisters who gardnered medals from school or athletic like my brothers but im much much wiser ( hahaha ! learned hard from experience ). So people cheer up we can survive this with flying colors.
Violette
im 21 and still suffering with middle child syndrome. i have an elder and a younger sister. since i was a kid, i always endure such a pain seeing how my father pampered my younger sister. I still remembered when he was back from oversea and we were fetching him at the airport.. i miss him so much that i want to hug him straight away when i saw him, but instead he ran to my younger sister and told her how he missed her so much.. i was nearly cried back then. My mom on the other hand, had a very close relationship with my elder sister. She always praised her for being a good sister for us and how good her personality is. and me? without them noticed, i always trying to be the best and making them proud. i studied so hard that i always rank the 1st in class, i went to a good high school and i am graduating as a scientist soon, while my other 2 sisters sometimes failed in their studies and couldn’t get into a good school. I did not expect them to give the same attention to me, but at least i just wanted to be appreciated for the things that i did.. i didnt blame my parents since they didnt do it on purpose, but i definitely not going to have 3 kids, 2 kids are enough. i didnt want the middle child to experience the things that i been through
Anna
Came to read this ’cause someone mentioned about this syndrome, joking about me having it. I am not american and back in my country we are not used to “beauty-salon-psyco-analysis”, so I hadn’t ever heard about it. I am 30 know, and sure enough some of those traits were part of me as a middle child.
But… like other people mentioned, in my opinion they can turn into a wonderful opportunity to improve the middle child personality.
Low self esteem= to me means humble, I wish I could see around less self-assured people! Being humble didn’t prevent me from reaching excellent goals in my life all by myself.
I am now strong, independent, have an excellent job.
If there was less love for me from my parents, this didn’t prevent me to be able to love others: I love my parents and my siblings, I have a long stable relationship, and few friends, but good ones.
I could not ask for more.
I find ridiculous that people think they know who you are from the chronological order of your birth in your family.
I find sad that some people can be depressed thinking of having this syndrome… please move on, it can be such an advantage!!
Warren
I am the middle child of 3 boys in my family, although my brothers and I are close, we all have our moments. But when there is a fight with me and a brother, for example. When I fight with my younger one, my older occasionally will take my side, 80% of the time he doesn’t, he lectures me because Im older that the younger one and its not right to fight with someone smaller than you. Then when I fight with my older brother, he goes and talks about me, making fun of me with the younger one. My older brother, is considered the leader, but I take his place every now and then, my little brother is the blue eyed boy who is always spoilt, gets all the attention. I try hard, I do well in sport and in school but somehow the attention isn’t even an eighth of what my other brothers get. My parents do not trust due to my behavior issues, I’ve done crazy things just for a little attention, but yet they don’t budge. I’ve even spoken to them, but yet still nothing has changed. Then when I get sad, they shout at me for not speaking to anyone. For just not replying with my usual enthusiasm, just because I’ve given up on telling them any of my problems now they get angry. Whenever I’m sad I used to have a certain person I used to tell what was going on. Then we had a HUGE fight and she left, and only recently came back. But its not the same, and I have no-one now. I don’t want to ever tell my parents what is wrong because they just ignore it. My brothers are not the deep type and not very in touch with their emotions like I am, or at least I think I am…. My best friend although he is my best friend i don’t tell him my problems, he’s not the one to tell he would care but he has better things to do… I push everyone that loves me away, and I don’t know why. I can’t help it. I need help.
Please
Anyone?
maaliyah
i definatly feel all these things im the middle child of five. my oldest brother gets to make the most desicions
Bisong
As with all other life challenges , the realization of the existence of a problem is half the solution .
My opinion is that the solution begins with the awareness of “The Middle child syndrome ” . Backed with this knowledge middle children will find their own way to deal with it as it affects them .
The bright side to this is that middle children who are aware will develop positive ways to combat life as a “middling ” and more often than not will develop a high level of independence.
The type no one can ever teach you .
Arwen Iris Lovegreen
I am a middle child and do not carry any of these traits. If anything i am the one with the most attention on me. Even though i have moved from home i never felt like a middle child or left out. My 2 sisters and I get enough attention and i do not suffer with low self esteem. I love being a middle child.
em
what will said 🙂
will
Middle children are the best! We develop higher levels of emotional intelligence brought about by mediating between 2 siblings. We can step into the roles our siblings are playing and have greater empathy with others. Ideal all rounders that fit in well with others, team players and contributors. Enjoy it!
Anonymous
To all middle childs,
WE ARE THE MIDDLE CHILD, let’s be proud of who we are. I have a story, I’be tried letting my parents know about this. They claimed that they give my siblings and I an equal amount of attention. But no! Even my aunt could tell, she said the favoritism is obvious! So middle childs, fret not. In.life there are others that will give us the attention that we deserve and start to give us acknowledgments for our success and encouragement for our failures. Maybe aunts, uncles, grandparents.
Sue
I can relate, I am a middle child. However, I do not suffer from low self-esteem.; but I think that my 2 sisters do! I didnt get much attention, but it made me stronger.
My sisters were closer to each other, so I became much more self-reliant and independent as a result. I am happy. I had interests, excelled in athletics and in school. Ironically, now I am getting the most attention–I think that my parents are making up for poor treatment when I was young.
My advice–become self aware, develop your strengths, know that your parents care, and love them unconditionally–it will get better someday soon. If needed, seek out help. Good luck== I feel bad for all of you.
Shanti
im the middle child in my family and I can definitly relate to this middle child syndrome. My older sis gets all the attention and is pretty with smarts, and since I was younger she was always put on a pedastol. She is 24 and im 19 and to this day she constantly makes my life a living hell. My brother is 17 hes the “baby” and the confident football star in his school. My parents couldnt be more proud of him. Hes spoiled and gets away with murder in the house. Meanwhile, im the forgotten child shadowed by both ofmy siblings. I couldnt be more proud of them but I feel like im just a spec of dirt in my family. I have talent but I feel like its no use. I dont want to outshine them but I want my parents to atleast aknowledge me and the good things I do, not just my mistakes. I am a loner at times but im well liked and have good friends. I want to believe this is all in my head and can easily be fixed, but its hard, especially since its been going on for most of my life…
Julie Mack
As I read these comment, it makes me very say because I know what you guys are all going through myself. I’m 15, almost 16. My older sisister is 17, almost 18 and my younger sister is 12, almost 13. I haven’t seen many stories on here with 3 girls. I must say it sucks. Since we’re all girls we all have our drama, we all like shopping, and at the same time are very different. Both of my sisters do cheerleading so they always talk about that together. On the other hand, I do gymnastics and they both hate coming to support me. They team up on me very often and my parent just don’t see it. My older sister, being first born is very close with my mom so they tell eachother everything. My younger sister is mommy’s girl for sure. she’ll be the only one getting paid for doing her chores. With her being young, my mom obviously still pays for everything she wants so she doesn’t even use the money. Having 5 people in my family and living in a 3 bedroom house, it’s horrible. Obviously the only people who could share a room is the middle and oldest, or middle and youngest. There is no oldest and youngest option so I’ve shared a room since I was 3. When I get mad with this middle child syndrome, I don’t even have somewhere to go that’s considered just mine. I get no privacy in my house. Nothing ever seems to go my way and I really struggle with this. My mom thinks she gives equal attention to all of us but its clear she doesn’t. Dealing with all of this did help me become a very mentally and physically strong person. Any suggestions on anything would be greatly appriciated. Now I’m gonna cry. Thanks for reading!
anelise
i am 14 and a middle child.
My brother is 26 and he has hios own faimly but my parents favor him cause he has little kids. My sister is 12 and a brat. She always cries when she doesnt get her way and blames me for everything. My parent take her side in the arguments we have and its starting to bother me. When my dad doesnt take her side though my mom makes him and they fight even more. I feel unloved and unwanted.:(
Rosie
I feel soo sad reading all of your stories. I too, am a middle child, and used to feel like many of you.
Not appreciated, empty, like no one really noticed you – or if they did they didn’t care. But like others have said, it’s not all bad.
You can allow what you’re going through to break you, get you down, make you depressed and ruin your life if you want. Or you can let it be something that makes you more determined. Let if form you into a more independent person, but also someone that can understand others better, and more sensitive to others needs. For me, getting involved in lots of other activities was helpful – for example social sports, music, and for me, a church (I’m in an amazing church where everyone is soo friendly – nice change from what most of us would have otherwise thought of as ‘church’). I was able to meet heaps of friends through these things and am now traveling and meeting more people and am so much more confident in myself. Often having a friend I could talk to was the best thing ever.
If any of you ever just want someone to email to ‘get it all out’, feel free to email me. I’m no counsellor, but I know what some of you are going through, and would love to be able to help if I can.
I’m on FB – Anna Lovesnetball, or you can email me [email protected]
I hope I can encourage you in some way. Dont give up, life will get sooo much better and even if you feel like you have no talents, I’m sure you have something special to offer. Rosie
Mark
Okay, I am a middle child and I have some realizations.
1. You can be a middle child and not feel this way.
2. You began to feel this way when you come from neglecting self-centered parents and your a middle child. Its like you have no avenue…If you came from those same parents adn you were a single child you would still get all their attention (undivided) that you could. ALso if you’re amiddle child but always listend to and celebrated. 100$ sure you will not develop.
3. YOU ARE NOT A MIDDLE CHILD IF YOU COME FROM A FAMILY OF 4 OR MORE CHILDREN…And your opinion is IRRELLEVANT…..YOu can’t feel isolated lonely detached if 1 to 3 other kids are in the same boat with you>…Do you guys even have clue???
4. Being a middle child witht he above described parents is like never winnign at anything….never being listened to…never having anything go your way…and then they tell you to have confidence and go otu and concur the world….i
5. If you’re not a MIDDLE CHILD>>>SHUT UP >..YOU DON”T KNOW ANYTHING>>>>>!!!! PERIOD
Seth Fletcher
Well, despite showing several characteristics in the article above, I can’t seem to shake this feeling that I’m different than everyone else here. I’m 16 and I have a 12 year old sister and a 23 year old brother. Sure, my younger sister get the world handed to her on a silver platter, but being a middle child is almost like being the baby. My father talks to me like I’M the youngest, and both my parents put a royal fuckload of pressure on me because I’m the fast learner and my older brother never amounted to anything.. “Oh, you’re the smartest, I expect better from you.” “Be the bigger person.” “Better yourself.” When all I really want is to be left alone. I’d imagine that anyone in my situation would be crying out for attention and understanding, but I find it somewhat… Peaceful.
Jake
middllleeee – here is what you do. Ignore the little shit sister of yours. She is just doing it to get a rise out of you, don’t give her the pleasure. Find what you like and do it. Be good at it, enjoy the accomplishments and sooner or later someone will give you the attention you deserve because of your skill. I only have 2 kids and I love them equally but differently. Don’t try to impress your mother, instead find something for you. You recognize the problem that is the hardest part. True there are things out of your control, take control of what you can and you will end up the happiest of the bunch because you have learned to handle an unfair situation and the benefits of that later in life will be immeasurable.
The Middle Child « Ang Ilaw ng Tahanan
[…] wasted no time. Night after night, I researched on how to avoid the Middle Child Syndrome. On weekends, I went to every bookstore in the area we were in just to read on the issue. It scared […]
Sharon Ramanah
Hello,
My name is Sharon. Im 19. I am not a middle child, but i’m here reading about this for my sister. i guess i can say that she is pretty much going through everything mentioned up there…it pains me to see her behave this way. i really would like to help her. please tell me how to do so? i love my sister a lot and i dont want her to feel unloved or anything else.
here is some info about my sister and our situation so that you can properly give me some advice…
1. she is always getting yelled at for her attitude, being lazy and not helping around at home
2. she is disrespectful to our family(mom dad me(eldest) and smallest sister(10yearsold)
3. she has a lot of attitude, talks a lot but can never walk the walk
4. she has problems with showing her true emotions and saying what she really feels
5. i believe that she has a lot of hidden potential, and that she can do a lot, she just doesnt know how to channel that energy.
6. she loves reading with the music really loud in her room and staying up there
I told my mom to sign her up for a lot of activities to help her express herself, and to keep her busy. Please please please help me help my sister. Please guide me:( Email me with every thought you have
here is my sister’s website: http://tashnabubbless.tumblr.com/
Tiffany
I can totally relate to you snoopsnoop. I’ve felt just like you too, so your not alone, I wish I could help you out but I’m also just as stuck.
SnoopSnoop
Being a middle child is hard. Everyday I would thirst for attention which is a really big challenge in my life. I have an older sis,16, I’m 14, and a brother,10. I’ve been feeling worse these past few days when my sis lost a tremendous amount of weight which drove ALL the attention to her. To make it worse, the other other attention is driven to my fast growing brother. Usually I would feel like I’m non existent, ignored and a loner even around the house when my dad is home. He would always talk to my sis about things she needed, give special attention to my what-so-called “baby” brother and only mention the mistakes I made even to his friends. Recently, I have been trying to lose so much weight and starve myself to feel pain and to gain attention from both my parents. I succeded a few times when I got sick and needed medical attention. I tried telling them but they never seem to care anyways.
I would really be happy if someone can tell me who I should be talking to cuz no one cares about me here in my house…..
Sunny
Im going to have to agree with Jane and Leah, being the middle child has made me more independent than my two brothers. At the age of 6, my parents separated and looking back I can see that it had more of an negative influence on my older brother. The role of being the “man of the house” had become overwhelming for him, I believe at one point it just burnt him out. And, as we grew older as teenagers, it was hard to look up to him as a role model and that made me stronger. Stronger in the sense that I was forced to mature earlier because I knew I had a responsibility to make sure my younger brother did not feel the same. I felt if my older brother couldn’t handle the role, than that “torch” had to be passed on to me. And, I accepted that very early. I saw how hard it was for my mother to raise three boys, and still raising three “boys” even though were old enough to be called men. And, I love her for that, even though she couldn’t give us equal attention, i knew she tried her best. As I look back, my mom always came to me when something was wrong, like a fight between either of my brothers. I hated it! playing the role of Dr. Phil to a problem that has no answer too. But, this prepared me for life, when i’m out there in the real world I feel like i can handle anything.
So, to all my fellow “middle child(s)” do not fret! Be patient, and understand that parents are not perfect. Most importantly, learn to love those who do not show love back because we are able to set an example. Thank you for reading!
Tiffany
Wow like many of you I feel like I have the middle child syndrome..my older sister who is 18 got away with so much and me..17 I feel like am a screw up..I’m suppose to know better from my older sister and show my younger sister who is 13 to be mature but she can do whatever she wants. I try so hard to do well and listen to my parents and not to argue with my sisters but I just get so mad because I feel like I have to work hard to get attention. My younger sister and I both dance but I feel like she gets all the attention because she is younger so I work even harder to be amazing at dance. On the other hand my older sister and I did tennis together when she was in high school with me and when we would come home after a meet she would always explain how she did and I wouldn’t even get to say how I did. Recently I just won gold and a big quad meet and it was like my parents didn’t even care..I have also had times where I wanted to hurt myself and such, I am also more shy than both my sisters and I show more emotions because I’m more sensitive. I have also felt like I’ve been adopted because I have to work for attention like I’ve stated before. It doesn’t get better that my step dad who I call my real dad always gives in to my little sister because she is his real daughter and my older sister and I are not he baby’s her so much it’s not even funny. I feel like I’m whining over something so stupid but it really gets to me and I hate it! My older sister thinks she can beat me up because she is stronger than I am and I just have to take it. But if I even lay a finger on my younger sister she runs to tell my parents. I don’t know what to do anymore..and now that my older sister is leaving for college soon I feel like I’m going to have to be the one who gets yelled at for everything even if it’s not my fault. I hope when I go to college I will get over this because I can’t deal with it..I try hard to fit in because my older sister looks like my mom and my younger sister looks like my dad. I just want to be accepted
leah
I am a middle child in a family of five kids, and I kind of disagree with some of the qualities presented of the middle child which apparently seem to be very negative in the aspects of jealousy and self esteem issues.
I think despite the fact that many middle children seem to be overlooked, we are probably the strongest people and the most independentt, so the writer might want to add that to the next article instead of painting us in such a negative light.
Linda
Wow, so many stories that sound like me! My Father hates me, my brother hates me, and now I just don’t know what to think of anything?
So my brother married a bitch! Mum agrees but would never say anything to him,
So I’m the evil one! My father won’t speak to me anymore because of this new bitch in the family so as not to upset her,and my stupid brother.
jane
I’m a middle child that’s all grown up now, and I want to give hope to those of you who feel ignored and unloved.
Someone commented that the middle child has something better: independence. It’s true. In some Asian cultures, the second born is known as the “strongest and bravest”. We get to watch out elder siblings screw up, and make our own conclusions.
My brothers were drug addicts, and my parents focused all their attention on them. The perfect elder one, the screw up younger one. Whatever my sister and I did was ignored. Now, as an adult, I have empathy for my parents. They had no idea how I felt. How could they? I never told them. They are not god, they are not geniuses, and they are caught on their little hamster wheel of life. You need to sit them down and tell them how you feel and what you need. If they won’t listen or won’t help you, then you find someone else and tell them, until you do find a person who will give you the care and attention you need. Your siblings could be a bigger source of help than you think.
In any case, find the things that give you happiness, that bring light and beauty to the world, that help you and other people, and pursue them. If your family won’t give you the attention you seek, these jobs or hobbies will.
However, when it’s all said and done, family is the only thing that matters. You have to go through a pulling-away and growing-up period to define yourself, but in the end, your family does love you. However little it may appear, or however screwed up they may be.
Elizabeth Vanderpool
wow! really is all i can saythis relates to me so much im the middle child, so many times in my life have i just wanted to run away. i sit to this da sit an cry because i need to talk to my pranets about something and hey wouldnt care. I’ve done alot of research about middle child syndrom just because i remeber my uncle elling me how he felt as the middle child. not many people around me can re;at to what im feeling. i feel as if i am hopless. i have talked to guy that are like brothers to me. all they can really do is tell me to hang in there an be there if i need them there have been many cases were i have left home or more than two weeks to get away. i use to stay with my grandmother by my self to feel like someone cared. still to this day i feel lonley. If it was not for my aunt an uncle who always have been there who knows where id be today….. i am 16 an promised my self this would get better any ideas? plz email [email protected]
Jitterbug
oh yeah, and by the way 😀
Just show love to your parents and siblings, dont hold grudges or something 🙂 They love you too, you just cant see it because you are blinded of the thought that they dont love you or because you are thinking that for them you are invisible.
Try to release all of those thoughts, eventually you’ll realize they have LOVED YOU and GIVEN YOU ATTENTION ever since. But you where just blinded of the WANT/NEED for more affection.
Jitterbug
Hi everyone, I have been reading all of your stories and believe me I can relate to it. Just like all of you, I am also a middle child 🙂 and I am suffering or lets just say experiencing those so called “middle child syndrome” sometimes. I am already 18 years old now 🙂 and I’m an asian ( a filipino ) I am taking up BS Psychology Major in Neuropsychology in Human and Child development and is currently in my 2nd yr. in College. Here’s a little message from me, to all of you 🙂 ( I would like to share some of what I have learned as a Psychology student )
— Based from what I have read, all of you are experiencing MIDDLE CHILD SYNDROME(s) and most of you has this feeling of emptiness right? Just like you guys, I had those kinds of feelings too and just like what “some” of you do I hurt myself also every time I do something wrong or when one of my family members put the blame on me or makes me feel bad/sad/useless/unwanted/unloved. I also would wish that “MAY GOD TAKE ME AWAY” or something. Just like you guys, I also have a low self esteem. I also would imagine or think that MAYBE I AM JUST ADOPTED thats why I get so little attention/love. But all of these are in the PAST now 🙂 Because of my course, I helped myself to fully understand myself, my family and other people that surrounds me or I encounter. You know what? I realized that our families loves us, but because we think we have a competition to their love and because of our fear/insecurity that the people the we are competing with is MUCH better than us, we end up having the feeling of inferiority to us and which makes us build a low self esteem. Thinking that there is always SOMEONE or the OTHER ONE is best/better than us infront our parents we end up “NOT FEELING THEIR LOVE” because we ALWAYS PUT IN OUR HEADS that their love is a competition and the others are ALWAYS BETTER THAN US. 🙂 Guys, the MIND is the most powerful part of our BODY. Everything the we do/feel comes from the MIND 🙂 so if “STOP” thinking and comparing ourselves to the others (our siblings) we will end up HAPPY and not feel those kinds of syndromes 🙂 Each and everyone of us are DIFFERENT 🙂 so stop comparing yourself with your siblings and start realizing that all these time OUR PARENTS ACTUALLY LOVED US. ( EVERYTHING IS ALL IN THE POWER OF OUR MIND )
— Now, for those middle children that are abused? or thinks that they are abused or always hurt by their parents. Try to ask them whats the problem 🙂 make them realize that you love them even though they are rough on you. While for those who lacks communication from their parents, try to talk to them also 🙂 COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY! and add a little ILOVEYOU on it 🙂 and make them realize that you appreciate them as your parents. ( Like us, parents also need our appreciation because being a parent is a tough job 🙂 )
— Lastly, not all LOVE comes from the family 🙂 its sometimes given by our friends (most of the time), and the people that surrounds us. ( but be sure to chose the right kind of people 😀 so you wont end up being more deppressed)
—- This is all I can say, and I hope just like me 🙂 You all find the LOVE, APPRECIATION and NEED that you guys thought that was never given. 🙂
[[ i know im not yet a professional but in 2years, I’ll be!:D for those who seeks counselling and want some advice about anything, feel free to send me an email thru [email protected]. Its free! 😀 I just like the feeling of understanding peoples emotions and all 🙂 ]]
jake
I am a middle child of 3. My brother is 24 and my littlebbrother is 18. I have suffered from mcs since I was little. I feel different, resentful and jealous. For years I was told it was my psychological issues, but now I’m realizing that this whole syndrome is in fact true. They are more athletic than me and I never felt like I had anything extra or special. I just graduated from college and after the initial week period where my parents were proud, now my little brother is soacking up all the attention. He gets everything he wants and I’m not the type to ask for anything. I tend to be independent and help around the house but it goes unnoticed. The same gifts I received for christmas, are being given to the youngest just for no reason. I feel overlooked, forgotten, and underappreciated. If I need something, then I need to buy it. I understand that he is 4 years younger than me, but when I was his age, I didn’t have anything he does. When I do so much as mention these issues, then it is assumed that I am depressed. I have never starved, or gone without anything. I went to college, and I don’t think my parents don’t love me, but I do think they are completely blind to this. As for my older brother, I. Don’t find myself envious, because he’s older and I’m sure my parents will help me financially the same way. But when imy little brother was given the nicest car in the driveway, while I’m driving a p.o.s., it gets to me. It really gets to me.
Ian Pablo
your observations are quite stupendous.
Moodie
I am a middle child,my mother always tellme that she treats me fairly.But i always fell that they don’t love me at all.I fell very emotional and i hate myself for being a middle child.
My older and younger brother gets all the attention they want and i try very hard to get my parents attention.My mother always think that I am wrong and i am beginning to hate myself
Male
My parents didn’t get around to legally naming me until I was eight years old. The name on my original birth certificate is ” Male”. They don’t give passports to people who have “Male” as a name. I have two older brothers and two younger sisters.
Mogli
I’m the youngest of 3 sisters. I’ve noticed the middle child syndrome when I was a young age. I could do no wrong my parents eyes. My middle sister acted out the most.
Shes 31 and its still affecting her I think. She makes very rash decisions which will affect her the most of her life. I wish there was a way to bring this to her attention so she can get help.
Love your middle siblings. Just because they might not get the support from the parents, doesn’t mean they can’t get support from you.
Amy
I’m the middle child my brother is 18 and my sister is my twin but I’m still treated differently to her. She’s the favoured child and I’m left to do everything. My dad told me to move out as well, which I would but I have no where to go, no close friends or a boyfriend
princess
hello,
I am somewhat the middle child of 6, I have four older siblings, two of which are twins, and a younger sister,my dad treats me and my siblings the same,he’s always joking around with us and spoiling my baby sis and I because my other sibling are two old, I’m sixteen by the way, my oldest brother is 25, next is my sister 23, and then the boys who are 20, I always felt neglected even though I’m your typical goody two shoes, I have perfect grades and I never cause any troubles,as I said before my dad’s pretty cool, it’s my mom that turns my life into a living hell, it’s like nothing I do is good enough, I’m always wrong and I can’t seem to get anything right, I’m supposed to do anything my older siblings say and always be ‘the bigger person’ when it comes to my sister, but sometimes it’s hard to walk away when you know that it’s not your fault, it’s hard to respect everyone and be the bigger person when they slice you to pieces with their harsh words, Unfortunately I live in a society where parents are right no matter what and physical punishment is not exactly frowned upon, I received bruises and even cuts from my parents before, I was beaten black and blue because it’s normal in my country, I heard the coldest words a mother can call her child, I’ve been going through an emotional abuse for as long as I can remember, which led me to think about suicide on more then one occasion, I almost went through with it once, I had the pills ready and everything but I stopped at the last minute and every day I regret that decision, I never once thought about middle child syndrome as an ‘illness’ but as I read some of the reviews I realized that I’m not alone in this which made me feel kinda better, I wish my mom would notice what sand my she’s doing to me, but I know that no matter what she or life throws at me I’ll always get back up because that’s just how I am, I hold it in and cry in the dark to face the world with a tough face and strong will to move on.
thank you for reading
Jenny
Stephanie,
I relate more to you when I read yours, as I am from a Asian family; I’m Chinese. Middle child syndrome is pretty common…I have friends that have it and I do too….though I kept it low profile. I’m 19 this year, with an elder sister of 23, and two younger brothers, one 16 and the youngest is 9. I’m quite neglected in terms of affection since I’m the second girl; my parents wanted a son when my mum was having me, so I’m considered the extra mouth to feed in the family. My sister, the eldest, is a beautiful girl and a very good talker. I went on a diet because she hated me being fat, and she didn’t even want her friends to see her ‘fat and ugly sister’. Although I am slim now, she still hates me because I’m smarter than her academically. My brothers are of course, sons, so they can get away with everything. Sometimes, I feel out of place because I’m often ignored. I tried to get their attention, by doing well in everything I can; academically, creative arts, sports….and I excelled in everything that I can do, but its just never enough. No praise or acknowledgement. I remember getting my first B during high school and my mum threw her shoe at me. I’m always afraid that if I don’t get above 90% for my exams, she won’t let me eat. My mum forgot to fetch me from the library when I was 14….and I had to walk home for an hour…and till now she didn’t know bout this because I never mentioned it. My brothers are always bullying me and teasing me, but I had to keep myself from responding to the attempts of making me angry, so that my parents won’t ground me for not being ‘mature’ enough to give way for my brothers. My dad just don’t care except for making sure I have enough allowances to get by. Going college is the best thing that ever happen to me because I left my family to go to the city, and I don’t have to face all this negativity. My best friends are probably my computer and PS3 that I worked part time to get them, even though my sister was given a car and my brothers have PSP, Ipods, and other cool gadgets. I don’t like to go out and I love my privacy within my room. There were happy moments, but so little that they were overshadowed by the negative feelings I had. I don’t hate my family, and I don’t ignored them. I feel blessed that they still raise me and given me enough food, money and education that I need to become an adult that I am now, but even though I tell people that I’m over it, I’m sure that I never will.
AmandaT
I think that all of us are screwed up. The truth is middle child syndrome can be applied to all kids in some situations.
I’m the last born of 2. I hate it that people think the youngest gets all the attention. My brother was my parents “favorite” and most difficult child. He could do no wrong, but was constantly in trouble with others. I rarely got attention, because I was laid back and tried to please every one. As the saying goes… “the squeeky wheel gets all the grease.” All I ever wanted growing up was for my brother to love me and/or be my friend at least. Since there were only 2 of us, my parents experimented with my brother and when they found out that being lax with discipline didn’t work with him, they went in the other direction and over disciplined me. So I became more like the 1st born, yet inherited the lack of confidence and empty feelings of a middle child.
Now I’m a mother of 4 and I think my oldest (7 years old) has “middle child syndrome”. She is smart, confident and very independent. As a result, I pay more attention to the others. My youngest is 4 months and she’s very content just watching us all so the boys in the middle (5 and 3) get most of my time. They constantly need me. I don’t need to help my oldest brush her teeth or use the bathroom. She can dress herself and clean her room. I stopped reading bedtime stories to her when she was 6 b/c she could read them to herself and she often falls asleep before I’m done reading to the two in the middle so she doesn’t even get kissed good night. (I’m a horrible mother ) Sometimes I picture her in her room listening to us and feels left out. I just don’t want her to think what most of you think about your parents when the truth is I love her just the same, but she needs me less.
vernon
I am am a middle child and an introvert. Your article has really given me a much needed insight into the reality of the middle child.It is something that I have experieced for a long time.A very strong , independent and absent older brother and a younger brother who had been socialized to be my protector. Always wearing the same clothes, attending class in the same grade,although we re one year apart.I also never felt loved because he was the one who got all the attention and admiration. I am 47 years old and it is a very real problem.Although we are both married today,it remains a probem which will probably never cease to exist.
Andrea
I think I have this too because I feel like nobody ever cares what i’m doing:/ My oldest sibling is my brother and he’s 20 my sister is 17 i’m 15 and my little brother is 11. My little brother gets all of the attention and NEVER gets in trouble. My older sister is always getting compliments on how beautiful she is and how she’s so smart. And my oldest brother is always getting told how funny and smart he is and how good looking he is. And whenever my mom’s friends are around I feel like they only want to talk to my sister and everybody always asks her to ride in their car and nobody ever asks me:/ I have really low self confidence and It’s hard for me to talk to people. I feel like everytime i’m talking everybody is just waiting for me to shut up. And when they’re nice to me I feel like they only do it because they feel bad for me.:/ I feel like i’m never going to get over this. idk If i’m just being whiney or if it’s just the way I am but I just wish I could be happy with my family.I’m always left out of the jokes and the fun. I usually just stay in my room and watch tv or text my friend.I would love to have a good relationship with my mom but I feel like she loves my other siblings more. And I feel like she resents:/
Fran001
I am the eldest of 4 and felt I had to learn so much for myself. Watching my younger siblings I notice they are more confident, smart and outgoing than I am. I have had to shoulder the responsibility & expectations to do well so as not to be a bad example. That’s okay though because it’s pushed me to be better. With us all as adults now, I am true to myself and like who I am. Love yourselves, be the best you can be. People will always fall short – not love you, see you, or appreciate you enough. People are caught up in themselves, in life and may forget to do and say things that matter. My point is to watch and learn to not do to others what they are doing wrong to you. Love yourself, enjoy your moments. Life is short and you won’t be in the same situ. for ever.
Kristen
I am a middle child. I most definitely got the least amount of attention when I was younger. My parents were always focused on my antisocial older brother who refused to try in school, and on my “adorable” and “perfect” younger brother. I was always the “helpful” one, the one who was expected to resolve the fights, and give up things to make my brothers happy, whether it be my favorite toy, or my turn to ride in the front seat. So I do agree that middle children are treated different, but I don’t suffer from any of the symptoms shown here. If anything, I turned out better because of it. Due to the fact that I always had to fight for attention, I learned to sing, play the guitar, and the saxophone. Through this I discovered my love of music. I also pushed myself to get straight A’s, in order for my parents to take their attention away from my older brother long enough to at least say “good job sweetheart.” Also, I am definitely more independent than my siblings. Because no one took care of me, I learned to take care of myself early. Now, I am 16 years old, a Junior, 3rd in my class, in 6 clubs at my school, performing guitar and singing in front of people on a regular basis, and I have a group of close friends. Compared to my older brother, who spends all day in his room playing his games, is about to go to a two year technical college to be a video game designer, and who my parents are terrified about him leaving home because they don’t think he can take care of himself. And my younger brother, who is so accustomed to getting everything he wants, can barely take anybody telling him no. So, in conclusion, when I was younger being a middle child seemed like a curse, but now it seems to be a blessing.
Laura
I am a middle child, I have a 20 year old brother, and a 15 year old sister, I’m an 18 year old girl. My brother is in the army and my sister is an amazing dancer, she also has hearing problema so a lot of focus gets put on her for that, as I have no real talents I always feel I have to do more to get approval from my parents and this has resulted in me not even trying anymore. Instead I get their attention in more negative ways such as piercings and tattoos which my parents arent very keen on. I argue with my parents alot, especially as my mum was a middle child so knows the feeling well, but it feels like she’s not trying to do anything about it. I just feel like my parents are never going to be proud of me because I will never achieve anything like my brother or sister.