Hey there! I’m Hailey and I’m a middle child 🙂
So.. you must be wondering, is Middle Child Syndrome real or not? Is it a real issue or just another made up condition for millenials? If you are a middle child yourself or a parent of a middle child, please read on!
What is Middle Child?
A middle child is someone who is born in between two or more siblings. Being born in the middle, as you’ll soon find out, is not that simple. The middle child, unlike the eldest or youngest child, does not get much attention. Middle children are also usually considered outcasts in their families and often develop a condition called Middle Child Syndrome.
What is Middle Child Syndrome?
Middle child syndrome is a condition in which children born in the middle experience feelings of emptiness, inadequacy and jealousy. It is also characterized by low self-esteem and extreme introversion, sometimes even leading to psychotic behavior.
The middle child, unlike the eldest child and the youngest child, is not given much attention. They have to go the extra mile just to get some of it. Middle children tend to be achievers because they need awards to be recognized by their parents. Sadly, this also goes the other way around, they can be very troublesome and determined to get noticed even if it means getting scolded at or punished.
Because they lack emotional support and guidance from their parents, they will always have a sense of low self-esteem. These feelings of emptiness and loneliness make them not very friendly and maybe even weird to other people. Most likely, these negative feelings will also stop them from pursuing what they want.
Other observable traits of middle children are insecurity and jealousy. Being raised in an environment where they have to compete for attention, it’s natural for them to have feelings of insecurity and jealousy of others. Seeing others easily get attention while they continue to strive for attention, these feelings of resentment towards others will continue to build up. All these repressed feelings of being unloved, unwanted or even hated can trigger an extreme case of middle child syndrome where they show psychotic behavior.
Possible Causes of Middle Child Syndrome
After discussing the common traits of people with middle child syndrome, we can find two main causes, identity crisis and lack of emotional support.
Identity crisis is very common to us all, and it’s something that we all experience at some point in our lives. Wanting to be different from everyone else is very normal and there’s not much we can do about it. The other cause is lack of support. Because the eldest and youngest are the common favorites, the middle child is not given any support or attention. This unloved feeling makes them less confident and envious of others, often leading to even more problems such as drug abuse.
Is there a Solution?
Some say that middle children should be given the love and attention that they should have had when they were young, but I believe this will only make them more dependent on their parent’s approval.
There are also cases where middle children tend to separate from their family at a relatively early age to have families of their own. While having a new family means getting another chance, I do not think this is the best solution because escaping the past will not really resolve any childhood issues and these issues may haunt them for the rest of their lives.
The main cause of middle child syndrome is lack of emotional support, which is the responsibility of the parents. So logically, I would have to say that good and responsible parenting is the real and outright solution for middle child syndrome. While this may sound more like prevention rather than treatment, I think that it’s never too late for good and responsible parenting.
But this is just my opinion, what do you think? Comments are very much appreciated.
Feel free to join the discussion. We’d love to hear from you!
Valarie
I am also a middle child( older sister, younger brother), and I have suffered because of it. I was always compared to my older sister(smarter, excelled at sports), and my younger brother(sports fanatic). I felt like an oputsider most of my life, and that has affected my relationship with my family to this day. I have n contact with either one because I am viewed as a screwed up person. I’ve made my own life now, without them in it, and I am a better person for it. I make sure my children know that they are equally loved, and we are a happy family unit.
San Pham
Perhaps, we middle children will be emotionally in piece after we have our own family and treat them equally. Hopefully I will someday too. I think you have a happy ending with your own family so let’s enjoy that and forget the sorrow past.
Caroline
I’m a middle child too; of 5 siblings, 2 older brothers, a younger sis and a younger bro.
idk i’ve never talked about this to anyone cos I find it hard. I’m an achiever in my family; i’m the weirdest too; like i do stuffs different from them, dressed differently and my interests and stuffs are different too.. but i do things differently cos well; I’m different and that’;s me and I can;t change who I am.. my bonds with my siblings are very bad.. like i’m awkward with everyone in my own house. i don’t really talk to my younger sis / younger bro, and my older brothers have adult stuffs to take care of so we’re not close.. my siblings treat me like an outcast.. I always hated staying in my parent’s house and stuff cos I always feel not wanted..
My parents are busy workers.. So I don’t really tell on them or anything cos i don;t want them to worry about us let alone worry about me being mistreated by my siblings.
So I just keep everythng inside and just, be patient about everything. and eventually being alone has just become a norm.. so everything is fine now. I’m living separately from everyone else cos it’s easier to get to campus and stuffs; and well, I can never be more happy cos I get to stay alone in this apartment. I do feel envious of my friends who share great bonds with their siblings, but what can I do.. I’m just not wanted (: when i was younger I hated it, I hated this feeling and I was depressed, but time just heal everything.. So middle children out there, if you are being mistreated by your family, just… be patient about it.. When it’s time, everything will just feel okay again 😀
tt4141
im the youngest… but i am also treated like this…
it is because i got a little cousin staying with us…
Iffah
I’m a middle child.Everything I do there has to be a way for my family to scold me.Every time both my brothers provoke me, they don’t get scolded but for me…YES- Must get scolded.I keep all my secrets in my heart.Never once told anybody. But I like to say to myself-‘ All middle child are strong cause they keep secrets and no one knows this god damn feeling.
0_0
I always feel frustrated and assulted by my family.
Juan lemus
im a middle child too, but whats is more complicated i came from a mexican family. i have a sister who is deaf hard of hearing and mental retardation, a brother after me who is hard o hearing an he is 11, and the way youngest one 9 a boy who is so fuckened spoil that my parents wouldnt even do shit when im telling them that he is misbehaving. so over all by mentallity im the oldest. well my history is that my parents grew up strict and in poverty over thier in mexico. they grew knowing that the way to desipline is wires, belts and locking in the closet. well those traditions continue with them when i started at age 5. when ever i did something wrong is firts beat me with a belt. if i continue then goes the closset that will be locked where you cant get out. well yeah. then after my brother came, things got even worse. they told me that i should help out with all the chores for them. if i refused a belt woopin or closet. well you i refused. then after the last one came things got calmed out for a while not more belt or closet since now. well right know since im older i still got the anger and emotional scars in me. since my parent are devouted catholics, when i bring up memories of the beatings and closets they will denied. then i told them in gods name swear (well all silence mean that they cant denny it) i went to counseling several times but my parents are complete hypocrites. well here the deep description me.
all i want you guys to know is love your kids equally.
dont treat them different cause if the new borned.
beating a child cant make a diffence.
never use the closet or belt as punish ment.
because your shouldnt be like me. in my mined is all deep and sinester.
due to all the abuse of parents.
i severly emotion scar that became.
i still forgive my parents , but ill never forget their scars even if i tried to.
again love your child and take care of them.
god blessed you guys and i hope you take my advice.
Rafael Escobar
I’m a middle and I hate it. I am ‘ bang on’ classic ” Middle Child Syndrome”. ( I guess just by admitting that is a ‘ middle-child ‘ thing). I have been clinically depresssed most of my adult life, and now I am at that stage where I HAVE given up.
I have a somewhat successful blog that hardly pays me and I’m a struggling actor. I guess being a artist doesn’t help much emotionally and mentally. Acting is a given for rejection, but I decided to follow my dream in the fashion industry, and it killed me. My spirit, my light and my ability to feel ‘fear’ once again.
A lot of people just competing to be better than the other one. Like a room FULL of middle children!!!
I lost contact with my family…my choice, because I was feeling the rejection I felt as a child, all over again. It’s hard to have relationships with strangers that truly support you and NOTHING from my family. I know they have their own lives, but I make the time to see and hear about what’s going on with their lives. They see me as ‘odd’ and that I have a ridiculous ‘job’, for lack of a better word. I don’t get paid.
Due to a disasterous visit to Vegas, where my ” father ” lives, I had an adverse reaction to lack of medication. He basically was killing me FAST! Yelling and screaming in the cold at night in front of the WORST Hospital in LasVegas. We have no relationship now. I am scared of him, loud noises, lack of self-esteem, once again and deep depression.
I am in shock as I type this…
I’m moving forward as best as i can, but it’s more difficult when many other issues have come afloat.
American have the worst medical system ever! No patient care, what so ever.If you could have only seen ehat I saw as I sat theere for at least 7 hours.
Customs held my medication for 5 days!!! this is why I was sent to the emergency. I ran out of meds. Mind you, they had 5 days to clear it. I got it the day before I left Vegas. I was a mess….and still am.
I’m going to make plans to go away and start a new life filled with joy. Once I make enough money to leave, I’m so gone!
Being a middle child really sucks.
amisam
Being a middle child I did feel invisible at times; my older sister had depression and my little sister was needy.
On the other hand, I feel it helped me form my own independence: I made great grades, of my sisters I’m the only one who knows how to cook, as well as I’m the only one who is career driven.
Middle children just need to communicate their feelings, and they’ll get the attention they need.
Kip
I am a middle child. I remember my interviewer for admissions to U Penn gave me an unexpected condescending reaction when I mentioned I am. I did not understand why. Those of us who do not feel the listed effects are not here to brag. We just wish to share with you the other side as everyone else is allowed to comment. I grew up understanding my parents are people who go through trial and error. They are not responsible for who I am today. I embraced my passions solely on my own. Victimizing oneself is an outlook. People (not just middle children) need to take responsibility to forgive and come to peace to recognize how beautiful they are on their own. It is work that reaps great rewards.
Bianca
Look lady im twelvee and the middle child im a girl and i might no whats going on sure i receive love but u may not notice this but once u get started the other child comes in with. A bigger problem and u forget everything u were doing and its so hurtful to us middle children that it makes as leave to our rooms sometimes leading to crying i have done it im not sure what age your daughter is so i might be wrong
U know your child has already been tortured by the other siblings and what r u doing about that and if u just started showing your child attention ITS TO LATE
Kip
I did mention I am a middle child.
I encourage you to continue do well in school. Take up activities and let people be happy with you. Don’t let the name of middle child syndrome validate the way you feel. Those who give love receive love in return. If you run off crying, no one understands why and you build a wall from those who try. They begin to give up reaching out to you if you keep responding that way as their efforts seem useless.
You defend yourself by offending someone like me who just wants to show a way out of this sadness. You don’t even know me and you attacked me before understanding my comment. Talk to yourself in the mirror this way and you will see what it is like on the other side. It’s not pleasant. I contemplated on if I should even respond. Why should I give my time of day to this mean girl. Why should anyone help you if you don’t help yourself? Please explain to you guidance counselor that you are not happy and that you are venting to strangers online. You need support from a person in front of you if you cannot discuss this with your family yourself.
You already have this stranger responding to you despite you yelling in caps. You have a very bright future if you take ownership of your life.
Bella
Eh wrong u dont get it for u it may have been different but for us thats how it is
Tim
Kip; I am a parent. I have a middle child. I grew up “the baby”. It is reassuring to know that all middle children do not have the middle child syndrome. There is a problem with this syndrome. It is based on the perception that there may be a problem merely due to the order in which a person was born. While perceptions often become reality, on the other hand, there really may not be problem at all but just a perceived one. I will always love my middle child and I will always love my oldest and youngest child. This is speaking as a concerned parent of three children; all with very different needs and expectations; and all often with needs and expectations unmet.
Troy
Kip,
Thanks. I’ve been going through the ringer lately, largely due to my inability to step out from behind my ‘walls’ you mention below. But this is something that I have to address, not them.
I’ve been told about the whole middle child thing growing up, and never really understood it. Still don’t. But your words help reinforce my belief that I am the only one that can really do something about it by adjusting my reaction.
Thanks again!
Pauline
I am the parent of three children, my middle child does display many of the traits you have commented on. You say the middle child behaves this way because they do not receive ANY love or support, I disagree, I try day and night to support her but there seems to be no pleasing some people. any other thoughts always willing to try something new.
P
35 Middle child
it is not always that the parent does not show love. I am a middle child and struggled all my life with it. My older sister ALWAYS fought for the attention and always had to out shine me. It is not the parents lack of love but the lack of noticing what is happening between the siblings. You have to defend the middle one and find what they like to do and let that be theirs and no one elses. Competition amongst siblings only makes it worse. Also attacking or saying they are just being sensitive and they are imagining things… Not a good thing. Dont try too hard that will make them feel like you are giving them pitty. Middle child does not want pitty they just want to be special or feel like they are better for once.
Nuha
Wow, this syndrome is really exist.Thanks God, I thought I was just being egoist like my mother said to me.
Bianca
i hate being a middle child once it broke me down so much i cried for like 2 days straight sometimes i wonder if there’s anyone out there who understands what its like being misunderstood i have no privacy and my mother is like being stabbed always taking there sides i don’t exist its to complicated to write down but i can try my sisters made my life a living just writing it brings me to tears watching eight simple rules the t.v show makes me cry when the mother takes the blond chicks side all the time it sucks i hate what they have done i don’t like going downstairs because i cant stand there being there there always judging me it feels like I’m starving myself because i don’t like eating dinner downstairs with them so i only at half of it and i am always in my room i feel trapped i sometimes feel so alone its to complicated to write i cant stan this its sufficating
amisam
Hello Bianca,
I’m sorry that you feel this way. 🙁 I can understand the tears and frustration, I’ve been in that position when I was younger.
Try writing down your feelings like you have in this post; but maybe in a bullet point format, such as
* You don’t give me enough hugs.
* I need more Mom and Me time.
* I sometime feel I have to yell over everyone before you notice I have something to say.
* When I come home from school, I need privacy until (insert time) in my room to unwind.
Then you ask your mom to sit down with you so you can go over the list together.
That way she’ll hear verbally and see visually your feelings.
You sound like a sweet person, so I hope things work out on your part. 🙂
Jamie Smith
My parents do not listen to me when I try to tell them how being the middle child affects me. They refuse to acknowledge or even admit that they might treat me differently, so I feel as though my feelings are being cast aside and that they don’t care about them. The feelings get bottled up inside me until I break down and cry and yell at my parents about how I feel, but they still don’t listen to me.
amisam
Hi Jamie,
Have you ever kept a log of each time they’ve ignored you?
Perhaps you can find a mediator who can view the dynamics of your family which can vouch for your position of “invisibility”.
Keep trying to be heard, leave them e-mails, notes, etc.
Bianca
Hey Jamie
i understand well i never yell at them but i tell them and tell them over and over and it had no affect on them my siblings depress me because they like smiling im seriously considering self harm 🙁 to see if it could grave some attention (none) and to see if anything could hurt more than being who i am (nothing could possibly hurt more)
my mother never got worried about me though but when it started affecting my siblings and the rest of my family she decided to call my dad hoping that could talk some sense into me he tried but they both don’t understand not even if they tried my dad was the oldest my mom was youngest they had it easy very easy everything came handed to them on a silver platter 🙁 but I’m not going to stop trying to become someone in my family (no affect) but at least i know I’m trying they kinda aknowledge my existance (only when im creating drama)
jessica smith
I have 2 older siblings and 2 younger siblings. the two oldest are best friends and the 2 youngest are best friends and I’m just in the middle of it all. I don’t get along with any of them. My parents blame me for none of them liking me but my parents don’t know how they all treat me and I just keep it to myself. I usually just keep to myself at home. I have a lot of friends but my family constantly pushes me away from them telling me that family is more important. I don’t happen to see it that way considering my friends are always there for me, while my family brings me down all the time. I’m almost 18, just waiting to leave.
Bianca
i have 1 older sister and 1 younger sister they r the girliest girls on the planet im a tomboy and i feel like a disepointment to my mother because she gets mad if i dont wear a dress and i wanted to let u know that our not alone
James
I definitely suffer from at least some aspects of middle child syndronme. When I was a really young kid (before I was the middle), I actually got a ton of attention, almost too much. My parents always laugh about how I would ignore my younger sister when she was first in the house. Little did they know I was getting psychologically harmed. I felt pushed aside. As a 19 year old today I am not close with anyone in my family, aside from my mom (and I’m still not that close to her). I live a life that my family has no clue about. I’m rebellious, and I knowingly deceive my family all of the time. I didn’t really feel included before, so why not try new things? I’m also pretty introverted; I have friends, but I’m not really close to many of them. Usually I isolate myself in my room whenever I am at home. I don’t talk very much, and it isn’t easy for me to meet new people. No one knows me. I didn’t have very much trouble getting attention when I was younger, since I was the only male child in the house. I almost prefer to have less attention focused on me. I never am a bother to anyone, and I don’t think I have anyone who really considers me an enemy. I am incredibly independent. I am well liked, but I am unknown. I don’t feel like a belong anywhere sometimes.
mark
omg thats near to the exact words i would say to explain me i just wasnt completly sure of the reasons helps to here:)
Quadie11
This is my life story. I’m 14 and this has happened to me all the time. Example: Just today my mom yelled at me for not feeding the dogs when it is my brothers job. I had to go out and feed them but my brother didn’t get in trouble at all.
Sashi
hi Quadie11.. i’m a middle child too… like u, that’s my everyday experience.. it’s sad but its true..i feel like i need to do all my siblings chores alone 🙁 atleast i know i am not alone..
Jean Temkin
I have always been aware of it; elder brother could do no wrong and younger brother, the baby getting all of the affection. But I partially blamed my gender, the only girl, as being the problem – Mum didn’t like girls and Dad regarded them as a burden. Only by reading what has been said on the subject, do I relaised that my life has followed the exact middle-child pattern. Left home early, abusive husband, emigrated, over-ached in my career and so on.
I had always thought it odd that no-one could remember the time of day I was born, but this last week I received my biggest shock. At the age of eight or so I had an extremely bad whip-lash accident – I jumped from second story height and on the way down, hit my head on a piece of scaffolding. I was left with a deep dent in my forehead. But as my parent sought no medical attention, the real damage, my spine, was not discovered until I was an adult. The terrible headaches I suffered as a child were shrugged off. Now daring to mention that the problem I have at the top of the spine, have begun causing problems lower down, I find that no family member even remembers the accident. I am asking myself if I ever really existed as a child.
marian
i am the middle child of the first marriage, but the oldest that has lived. I am now close to sixty…and always wondered why i didn’t fit in to either families…these comments have help clear a few things up for me…thank you…just not sure how to reconcile all the wrongs or hurts now that the parents are gone…but thanks to you all
Forde-Walcott
Forgiveness is the answer. You have to forgive your parents and yourself and let go of the past. Press on postively to the futher. And now that you understand the middle child syndrome break that cycle: recognise the efforts of each child equally, ensure that they are family activities and individual actitivities (each child must have an activity and all the others must go out together and support some aspect of that activity), educate all the parents in your circle, as well as the children where they are more than two children, … .
Richard M
Hi, I’ve a question I hope someone who was a middle child may be able to suggest an answer to. Do you think a teenage MC who is portraying many of the characteristics you people are describing and who could end up in trouble by looking to have needs met in the wrong places should be told about MCS to help them understand their behaviour or maybe as a teenager you don’t want to be faced with your attention seeking? Or put another way – now as an adult, do you think it would have been helpful if somone had told you that you were displaying classic MC characteristics? Thanks. RM
Aaron
I can not tell you from an adults perspective but I am a teenager so here is what I think. A middle child should be told about the syndrome. Although telling them can cause some problems like a feeling of loneliness and displacement it helps more. Personally the discovery of MCS allowed me to get over some things. I expect to be attention seeking and i know i do it and i expect everything else that goes along with it. This expectation helps me remeber that i am not alone because there are plenty of other MC’s out there with the same or very similar problems. To sum up i believe from a teenagers perspective it REALLY helped knowing about MCS.
Wilma Legsgroh
Older adult middle who has made fun of myself for years because of the crazy things I would do to get attention. Of course I’m jealous of my older sister — I still see her up on that pedestal so beautiful. But I love her dearly and never acted out my jealousy toward her — except when I would hide her makeup and put hard, sharp things under the sheets when she would get in bed. 😉
But during my teenage years, I really got stuck in the feelings of inadequacy. I probably still carry that dysfunctional behavior. I think that if a caring adult — especially if it were one of my parents — took the time to discuss my feelings, then I would have been given the tools and knowledge to try to change my feelings. It took years to discover that I was carrying a burden that was a total fabrication. ANY time a parent can reassure their child about mixed emotions paves the way for greater sanity.
anonymous
This really is a REAL problem. I have faced this my entire life. I am now 43 and trying to understand how to fix me. I definitely comes the lack of emotional support. You find yourself becoming emotional attached to people that you shouldn’t be.
I should be old enough now that things from my childhood don’t bother me but it does. This week my Dad got upset with me and I still don’t understand what I did or why he is upset. But I have cried and cried. It hurt at such a deep level.
I am searching for a way to like ME. What I am is not dependent on what others think about me but I have to convince myself of that first. Good luck to all of you “middle” children.
Anon
Good Luck too – just ask it may help ease your mind. I am still emotional (30) esp. when it comes to immediate family.
MC.
EQ2014
I am now 42 years old and a middle child, I had to basically do for myself in my teenage years. Taking everything into consideration my older brother is still a momma’s boy and cannot do anything without mommy’s permission; looking at my mother’s reactions towards my brother is obvious that he is her baby. As, for my younger sister she is still searching for the attention my father who passed in 1995 he gave her in other words at 37 she is still a spoiled little girl. Although, some would say that I have MCS I am glad that I have been independent my entire life because, I can take care of myself without any help from family or outsiders. I sometimes contact my mother, brother and sister but, 95% of the time I am a loner there is no need to contact me unless there is a death in the family. I keep myself away from family BBQ’s and really do not care if anyone even contacts me on Facebook. I am, I LOVE with my fiance my son has made it to Auburn University on a full scholarship although I am the middle child things are pretty much OK. That would have been hard for me to say growing up as a child into my teenage years but, I learned to adapt and overcome all of those negative thoughts to be a well rounded adult.
Amanda Simpson
I’ve heard of middle child syndrome but only just decided to look up facts about it. On the whole I have to agree that as being a middle child this is what has happened to me! I wouldn’t say I have psychotic moments though, although I have been known to get angry and throw a remote across the room with all the family laughing at me! I’ve always been laughed at. I recall my brother hitting me and I got told off! Typical!! Mum brought in a child pyshologist to see me and I had no idea why, I wasn’t a problem child, I was angel in fact! If ever I wanted to borrow anything there would always be a reason why I couldn’t particularly if it was something that had been given to mum by my brother or sisters, yet often my siblings end up with stuff I have given my mum and they get to keep stuff!
Anonymous
Wow, We all should start a support group. But I’d like to add, This happens in families with more than 3 children as well. I was the youngest girl, but had a younger brother and a sister one year older. There were older children but I got placed in that middle role, as part of the younger three. It sucked. But what’s worst is the treatment you receive becomes so normal to your siblings that they don’t even notice as adults that they continue to hold thier roles and hold you to yours. No matter how hard I tried as well, it seemed that nothing was good enough and I was made to feel that I had the problem, I was told that I was jealous, I didn’t like nice things and I had the behavior problem. They referred to me as “the mean one” Even though me the child didn’t even know what half of that stuff meant. But to the young and old on this site. Stay strong, because if the child you were got you this far..you owe it to that child to finish the game… BE BRAVE AND BLESSED TO EVERYONE ON HERE….and yes it really is this serious.
AW
I am the mother of three young children- my second born child is struggling with his own identity. I have been reading and researching about “middle child syndrome” to be able to help him. I’ve found this site both informative and offensive. His father and I make a constant effort to reward him for his accomplishments, spend quality one on one time, and allow him to have his own time doing his own things, without his brother or sister. His case is not lack of parental support (which this whole article seems to center around as the sole “cause”). My feeling is that this condition is purely an identity struggle. I’ve been searching to find support on how to parent a child through this struggle. This site…not helpful.
Bianca
u see thats what is wrong with parents they can o that but they still have the siblings what r u doing about that and having no one to talk to about it and u still dont get it
Ressa
I think that is the reason why I rarely talk to my mom because she seems to always have negative things to say or to argue with. I’m so sick of this middle child syndrome.
Based on my whole life experience, I think I may conclude that middle child syndrome is all about feeling of most hated, ignored, unloved, neglected, and least appreciated.
Bianca
it seems like most middle children have problems with there mothers thats the problem with me it like being sufficated i mean your already between the siblings just to have your mother squish u more into the sandwich that is the middle child
Ressa
Hi, my name is Ressa (24 yo). What you stated in this article is so real. I used to think that there was no such thing as middle child syndrome, but I just Googled it and found that it is so very real. I thought it was just me feeling unloved and less appreciated because of my behavior in which I tend to be showing off to get a compliment or two. As a matter of fact, even though I technically got a lot better achievements than my siblings did, my mom never shows her proudness. Unlike my siblings, I studied in favorited schools, got great GPA, and other achievements but I always think that I have to go the extra miles to get praised by my mom. My mom never gives me a compliment neither in front of me nor in front of other people. I just have no idea why my mom likes to blow up my negativity in front of other people instead of showing off what I’ve got. This really sucks. As a result, aside from all of these talents God has granted to me, I always feel less confident in my whole life.
Another thing that always makes me feel left out is that I never got a chance to have some quality convos with my mom while she would spend hours talking with my older or younger sister. I remember feeling neglected when I tried to tell my mom about some barriers in completing my final paper. I cried when I told her the thing. She just casually smoked her ciggy, didn’t give me supporting response. After that, my older sist walked in the room, and finally they all left me weeping. That really hurts
Ella
As the middle child I always felt that my parents showed favortism to my siblings. My mom is obsessed with my older sister and my dad is the exact same way with my little brother. Growing up I always felt that I had to outshine my siblings to get noticed and the majority of the time my parents still paid little attention. My parents were very strict on me and my punishments were always harsh in comparison to that of my siblings. My parents brought all 3 of us cars when we turned 16 and not surprisingly I was the only one that had to pay my own car insurance and come up with my own gas money. When I look back on my youth I feel that I had every reason to become jealous, angry and even bitter towards my brother and sister and I know there were times when I felt so lonely and depressed. As I got older I was determined to make my parents notice me and I pushed myself to be the best in everything I did. I am now 26 and besides for having won and/or placed in the top 3 in over 15 pageants, I was the first high school graduate in my family and the only child to not have an arrest record, I am also the first and only person in my family with a degree. I realized early on that my parents were never going to give me the guidance and attention that I needed and I have always used that as the catalyst to push myself. I definitely feel like all the years of favortism have taken a toll on the type of relationship I have with my siblings and unfortuntately were not close at all. Luckily for me I have amazing friends that have always been there for me. I absolutely believe in middle child syndrome but I also think it effects different people in different ways. Where some people become depressed, introverted, or have low self esteem I believe that it does something completely different to other people. It makes you focus on what you want, pushes you to become the extroverted go getter, and makes you more confident in yourself as a person.
shruti
hi,
my heart is heavy and my eyes are full with tears while writing this down. before today i didnt know that there is something like this. i thought i am an evil person to think all this about my family. i know they all love me but not as much as they love my elder sister or my younger brother. i am 21 and i still cant cope up with this feeling. i feel so empty and alone. there are times when i just want to run away. i try to find that warmth in my friends but every time i get back to home i feel that hollowness again. i dont know what to do. wish someone could just help and love me for what i am. and for once i dont have to prove my self to have my parents attention.
Bernard
Damn I just heard about this today!
I totally feel you. Im 20. It makes sense, and it sucks.. I know that feeling.
Wilma Legsgroh
Shruti,
Many hugs for you!! It seems that the farther you push yourself away from your family, the deeper the heartache is inside of you. Maybe that is because you must reconcile your feelings about your family. Next time you visit them, have a good talk with yourself before you go about what a fabulous person you have turned out to be. Don’t measure how much you are loved by what love (or lack of love) comes from your family. Chances are, they are not capable of loving in a way that you yearn to have. You are so lovable right now JUST AS YOU ARE!!! You don’t have to do anything. But, you could help change the entire dynamics in your family by being the bravest of them all and showing them how much you love them — even though they have hurt you deeply. That starts by forgiving them.
Joseph
I’m 14 and hate my family. My mom was an eldest child and my dad was the youngest child, so obviously who are their favorites? When it comes to jobs or work or anything, like doing the dishes, sweeping all that kind of stuff it all falls on me. I guess in their minds my 12 year old brother is too young and my older brother (17) is too busy working for school (he just plays on his computer and pretends to be working) so they just take me. EVERY TIME. I get much better results in school than my bother did when he was my age, and my parents(who keep records on marks) don’t care, but if I get a mark that is bad/ average they go crazy saying I don’t study enough and I just mess around all the time.
I’ve tried talking to my parents about it but they just laugh. I said that I have middle child syndrome and they laughed even more saying that if I have that then my brothers have eldest child syndrome and youngest child syndrome. It makes me sick. I just want to get out of the house ASAP go live somewhere far away and never make contact with them.
To add to all this my brothers gang up on me all the time, even though he can be a jerk I usually help my little brother in mornings before school, like waiting for him before going to the bus stop, which usually means we miss it and have to walk, but the second that I’m taking longer than him he doesn’t give a crap and runs to the bus. Him and my older brother have this game of calling me ‘asshole’ or other insults in front of my parents and seeing how long it takes for them to tell them to stop. In a car trip this game has gone on for 40 minutes. and they only stopped because we were taking a pit stop. Is anyone else in a similar situation and found a way to deal with it? If so I would like to know how.
jacob
i have the exact same thing at my house. my younger brother (11) gets all the attention and my older sister (17) is the favorite. my parents dont pay attention to me like my brother and sister. My parents dont really care either.
Janis
I am a middle child in my 60’s and it took me years to realize why I wasn’t part of my sister’s lives. As soon as I heard the term “Middle child syndrome” it was like a shinning light. I thought it was all in my mind. I was never included in their lives, and now never want too. They have totally used, ignored and emotionally abused me to the extreme since I was born. On reflection a lot of my life decisions were made because I was a middle child.
1. Never to have 3 children
2. Move to another state
3. When my parents die, never make contact with them
To name but a few
My (2) children have seen their nastiness rear their ugly heads on many occasions. My daughter once asked my oldest sister “Why do you treat my mother so badly. and don’t you realize how much you have hurt her”. Reply “Yes, but we always have and why should we change now!” They evidently had a good laugh. And my daughter left telling them they were evil!
carole brooke
Wow….sounds like a lot more than “middle child syndrome” to me! But way to take the easy excuse!
Mary
hi im the 3rd of 5 its true what u say about this middle child feeling i feel it every day. my parents say they dont have favorites but who can believe that when they are taking me out of the private high school so my eldest sisyer and go to college. not my other older sister who also goes there not my 2 little siblings who go to a private middle school no JUST ME!!! but i have chosen to move past this. my plan is the graduate college and move out asap!! then i will make a better life for my self. i cannot wait for that graduation day!!!!!!!!!
Andrew Francis Chamberlain
I have an older brother, and a younger sister. I grew up around my family instead of with them. I went into playing computer games, and listening to Rock music growing up, and never felt like i was a proper human being. When i was 18 i had a bad bike accident, and all of a sudden the attention turned on me. When i was out of the hospital i was on my own again. Just over a year later i hit the side of a lorry on my bike, and i had time while laying in hospital healing to think about life, infact that’s all i tend to do. These days my sister says i have middle child syndrome, and my brother just looks at my money. My parents tend to talk to my life, or my motor functions.
I was the second boy 28/09/1970
My parents couldn’t see me, only my brother and sister.
Jen
I am the middle of three girls. I am so glad I found this website. I feel so at home when I read these comments from these wonderful people.
My older sister is two years older and my younger sister is five years younger. My parents always favored my sisters more than I. Don’t get me wrong, they love me and I know that, but my sisters would always get more of the attention, always. My older sister was favored, obviously, by being the eldest, and all of her accomplishments were adored. While when I had my accomplishments, they treated it as, “oh I’ve seen that before.” I had to be just as good as my sister, if not better, to even be recognized. I thought my younger sister would be treated the same as I was when it came to her accomplishments, but they gave her even more attention… I just didn’t understand. It was especially harder for me because in my older sister’s high school years, she didn’t do anything. No partys, sleepovers, no job, drivers license, no boyfriend. Not because she was told not to, but because she never cared for any of it, she’s the most indifferent person I know. So for me to get anything, I would have to first deal with, “she didn’t need it when she was your age, why should you get it?” I would get in big arguments with my parents for things that would come so naturally to other teenagers, eventually the only way I could get what I wanted was if I did everything myself. So I did. My older sister then became the “good one.” Later when my younger sister became a teenager, she began wanting the things that I wanted, and she got them. My parents were just okay with it. I fought the battles and earned the “bad child” title while my younger sister reaped the benefits and had things handed to her. I am now 19 and in college, with a job, paying my own way through school, with the support of a very loving boyfriend. I had to work twice as hard to gain the same recognition my sisters would get for doing almost nothing.
I’ve accepted this for a long time now, and learned how to be self-reliant. There are many times where I would like to drown in my self-pity, but I’ve learned to take care of myself, and the only real love that I know, is the love I have for me.
Middle children of the world, I feel for you. Please remember, that you are worth so much, no matter how low your family makes you feel. You do deserve better. Give yourself what you need, take care of yourself and love yourself.
sue
“Main cause of middle child syndrome is lack of emotional support, which is the responsibility of the parents. ” As a middle child, i can say this is 100% true. I could easily write a 10page paper with endless examples.
christian quintana
Hi! I am the 2nd of 3 siblings and I must say being the middle child is really a pain in you know where when you’re a kid. The good part is that I have outgrown the jealousy and insecurities. We have different views on how we are treated at home. My older brother feels like he is not loved equally by both our parents, my younger brother feels superior because he is favored most of the time and spoiled by everybody. I, on the other hand grew up knowing how to balance things around me. I am the only one who finished college and earned a degree in Psychology. I pushed myself to strive harder since i know I am the only one i can depend on and seeing how my siblings are, i couldnt imagine living the same life as they do.
I havent read most of the comments here but i think it still boils down to our individual differences. Parents, try as they may to become the best in everything still fails to meet our own expectations. We have the opportunity to become who ever we want to be, our lives isnt destined to be miserable so it is up to us to make the difference. I hate to think that being the middle child leads to a bad life IF the parents mishandled our childhood. i cant blame them for how things have been. i could only be grateful for all the good stuff.
I grew up being matured and independent, i have a lot of friends, im outgoing, i am usually the one being consulted for a lot of things at home, i am the most requested chaperon for anyone traveling even just going to the supermarket. I think i am the happiest middle child there is, no pun intended.
Ash
I’m the middle child of group 2. The first group was my oldest sister who was a only child at first for around 10 years. My brother was the oldest boy and he was the most deprentaded opon.. My sister who not sure because I have only seen her 1 time. My other brother who was the spolied one!
The next group when my mom married my dad was my sister Traci was a spoiled brat. They are paying her medical school bills. Though I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even attend. Then theres me I get introuble for the stuff they do and the toys they break or steal I either have to pay for it or get the broken toy. And my little sister Sera when she was 1 she got my room so I got the storage room… And I watch them when they fight and it some how always turn on me them saying “well she did that”. Or something.
I never complain because if I do its usally ignored or I get yelled at because of it. My friends bailed when my youngest sister bought them stuff so now she has friends that are 10 years older then her.
I’m happy that there are people that are like me..
KRISH
Hi. You have explained middle child syndrome in a very very basic form. As there is alot more to it. Also the solution for the middle child to leave his parents at a early stage say after getting his degree at 21 and starting his own family like myself is the best solution. Where I was able to give my own children, all 3 of them equal treatment and respect. Which boosted my belief that a true father and mother like god never discriminate between their children especially due to when they were born. I myself and my wife have a big heart and are very wise and naturally love all 3 of our children equally. We dont feel that one deserves more than the other as all 3 are special to us, and if parents cant see this then they are blinded by illusion and are literally hurting their child which is no fault of his own. If you can discriminate between your own children due to such infatuation and literal blindness, then please tell me will such people not discriminate amongst the rest of their family and friends. They say a mother is god to a child, and when such a mother starts to treat you like a step mother only because you are the middle child is not only a sin in gods eyes but also a sign of great selfishness and heartlessness in the eyes of human kind.
Therefore there is only one cure for the suffering middle child, and that is to make his pain his strength and let the world know about such wrong doing and help people understand how evil such a syndrome is, and try to teach parents and people as a whole the true meaning of love which is;
1- forgiveness
2- compassion
3-humility
4- peace
5- happiness
6- gratefulness
7- understanding
8- self- control
9- patience
10- wisdom
11- truth
12- kindness
A child has great expectations off his/her parents. As his parents are his first teachers, and if he is not loved and feels his other siblings are made to look special then just image the pain and suffering that child goes through . Have you any idea?
And the more he will stay with his parents the more he will suffer and the more he will be reminded again and again of the mis-treatment building hate not love. The best anaswer is to leave as early as possible to start a new life with your own true belief in love which you pass onto your children and your children then pass it on to their children
= DOMINO EFFECT
AS LOVE IS LIKE A DISEASE WHICH PEOPLE CATCH VERY EASILY.
LOVE IS THE ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
chris
this is true,im the middle child of three and I always had to watch my sisters get spoiled. I never received special gifts or help with my homework. My dad is willing to do so much for my older sister, and my Mom is always asking my younger sister what she wants and needs, makes her sandwiches and stuff.
Sarah Alexandra
I am a middle child of three. I always try to achive my goals but the lack of support kills me everyday. Yes, my parents do a lot. But I am never recognized for anything. I am in National Joinor Honnor Socitey, and Student Counsil. They only know about cheer and volleyball. The other day they called me Reain ( my older sister) normal to them I am franceis (the youngest/favorite). They didn’t even know who my best friend was, Terry. I feel so ashamed of my gorgeousbody because they only tell Reain and franceis they are pretty or skinny or gorgeous. Thank you for helping me understand that I have a problem that many others do too.
pertobello
Thank you soooo much for this article! I am the youngest of 3 and my middle brother in the family resorts to crazy and frustrating things to get respect/admiration sometimes, and I never understood it til now. I’m 26 and my brother is 30 and I really want to help him but he also hates psychological analysis so I don’t know what to do! Maybe just remind him over and over and over again that it’s not his fault 😉 Thanks again, this article was a great start for me to help him!
Reef
All the comments on this page are so gloomy so I thought I’d just say;
I’m so glad there are other people out there like me, my mum and dad don’t neglect me enough to notice it from an outside perspective and they don’t mean to but my older sisters such a drama queen. She’s going through her GCSE’s and I’m just starting them so she gets all the hugs. I hardly ever complain as people wouldn’t beleive that I’m upset. My friends are always saying that I’m never angry and always easy going. My older sister bosses me around and my younger brother gets the attention he diserves although he can be big headed. My mum and dad always joke bout me having middle child syndrome as they don’t beleive it’s real.
Just wanted to say, I’m so glad I’m not the only one. I thought I was being melodramatic (even though that’s not what I’m known for!!!
Lysa
Let me tell you what I hate most about being a middle child.
I’ve grown so needy because of this. It doesn’t matter if I’ve only known a person for a month. I can instantly trust her and just like that, I get attached. I get attached to so many people because I’ve always been neglected by my family and for this, I HATE THEM! I hate them because one of my friends who is also my teacher is resigning and I am having a very hard time coping. I’ve been crying for almost a month since she told me about her decision. I blame my family for this. If they’d only given me the connection I needed at home, I wouldn’t be seeking for it from other people and I wouldn’t be so devastated that they’re leaving me.
I’m crying as I’m writing this because just this afternoon, my teacher bade me goodbye. I will never see her again because she’s migrating to another country. How could it not be enough that my family doesn’t see me? Why would life take away the only person I depend on as well?
THIS IS VERY UNFAIR!
J
Hi,
I’m also a middle child (female) and I’m like 27 this year and am still having such jealousy and “unloved” feelings.
My elder sis is 8 years older than me and my younger bro is 5 years younger than me. My sister life has always been a smooth sailing and even without any fantastic grades, she still managed to get her PhD completed! I’m quite proud of her though!
But I always find myself living under her shadows and though i’ve finally grown out of it, i realized my parents know and understand all of her school and working life 100%! From her colleagues to issues at work etc.
While for me, I tried to share but I always think they are not listening and somehow will be interrupted by something.
My grades are straight As and Bs but do not have such smooth sailing life considering that I have to work and study part-time and suffer from huge burden on money issues. I understood the term “Financial Downturn” when I was only 10 years old and started worrying since. Even considered and am still considering to take my own life since I was 11 years old. This is disturbing as I’m always seem as the “happy-go-lucky” kid but none of my friends or family know that i have 101 ways to die!
I always thought all these “bad feelings” will go away when i grow up and be more matured etc. But I’m still quite overwhelmed and amazed how badly it had struck me since young!
My parents did not even bother to attend my graduation when I was in kindergarten and my sis had to attend on their behalf. And same goes for my high school graduation ceremony. None of them turned up. I had to take photos with my friend’s parents instead!
All I can say is, keep optimistic and love life! Do some sports and hang out more often with friends! 🙂
We can do it!
Paul
Agreed! I’ve not a clue why not many people have this mindset, It’s upsetting.
Tania
Im the middle child and my family is all girls. My dad doesn’t live with us. My big sister who is 17 is pregnant and is getting all the attention right now. My little sister is my twin and we are 13 years old. We never forget she is in the house because she is spoiled, confident, and loud. I just sit in our room on YouTube or watch tv and they forget I’m in the house. They talk behind my back and leave me in the house alone. I try to do something nice for my sisters and they never do anything in return. I cry a lot because I feel like I’m not important and I’m the responsible one. My dad takes my side and shows me the love I need but I need love from my whole family. I even thought about moving in with my dad. Being the middle child sucks!
EJ
I have an older brother and a twin sister. I am now 23 and when I was younger I felt like the left out child also. I got exceptional grades so no one ever paid much attention to me either. My brother is now a politician and my sister has started her own family and both have a strong relationship with my mother. However, I have finished college moved back in and feel like a burden to everyone around me. The reason I am writing is because I am really trying to find myself and purpose. I am trying to seek answers. You are young. If I could say one thing it is important to value in yourself. It really hurts and sucks when others do not see you for the great person you are but you have to live with you and be content with yourself. Make an effort to do things that make you happy and then maybe speak to the people that make you fell this way. I will keep you and all others in my prayers.
Charles
Talking about middled kids I was also a middle child My oldest brother was forn in Feb. and 18 months later in Oct. I was born my youngest brother was born 1 day before my FIRST Birthday. I know that this has had a major impact on my life as I now feel like I have never fited in anywhere. I ahve always felt very alone in my life and nowhere toreally go and no one that I can tale to. About 3 years ago or os I was diagnosed with Avoidant personality disorder (APD) and Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). just to name 2. I ahve found a group called Celebrate Recovery to try and help me with all of my lifes issue and to also turn them all over to God.
Jake
I am 13 and I believe that i have middle child syndrome. My older brother is 18 and my younger sister is 10. They always gang up on me and tell me how much they wish i was never part of their family. When my brother beats me up my parents dont even do anything which me feel even worse. Usually i just stay in my room and read articles llike this or just watch youtube but i feel like my family just doesnt love me like they do with the other children.
`I am not the best student when it comes to school so i cant talk to my parents about my grades. They dont really care about my sports because everytime they come to my soccer games, they just tell one of my teammates parents to take me home even though i know they dont have anything else to do. So now I am just stuck here now with pretty much my whole family ignoring me while my dad is out of town so i dont know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?? it would help out a lot
Jessie
I’m 14 and I am just like you. It really sucks, doesn’t it? My older sister hurts me physically and emotionally. When I don’t get along with my little sister (which is not very often, so is very spoiled and attached to my parents. She’s has something wrong with her mind so she’s very immature) my big sister gets her and they say, “We hate Jessie, don’t we?” The little one also hits me. My parents don’t really care about me in general. I’m close with my mom, but my sisters and my dad abuse us verbally so much that she can’t really support me. I feel like I lost my childhood. My dad once told me that I don’t deserve to be listened to. I hate being the middle child. It makes me hate being alive.
Kimberly
I’m the middle of 3 girls. I hated it. My oldest sister hated me and treated me like I was her slave. She was almost 4 years older so she was always taller and stronger. She would beat the crap out of me if I didn’t do what she wanted. My youngest sister, who was only 16 months younger than me, alway sassed me. So I was getting it from both ends. Bossed by the oldest, sassed by the youngest. They loved each other and picked on me unmercilessly.
I handled this constant barrage from my sisters by be the good daughter. I would use my birthday money to buy groceries, (my mom being a single mother of 3 girls since we were under the age of 5). I tried so hard to take care of her and support her and I just started taking on the role of the eldest. My oldest sister was not interested in the job anyway. So I took it upon myself to shoulder what I could for Mom. When she got sick, I was the one to take care of her.
When I had surgery, I would tell my sisters and neither of them would call to follow up. I remember calling the youngest 3 weeks later and she said “I knew you’d be ok”…I’ve never recieved support from them.
On the plus side, I have the most talent, the highest IQ, the most responsible. I thank God for that. My sisters now are both heavily self medicated and god knows where in this world.
I really feel for middle children.
Gina
The memories of sitting in a dark corner and cry silently while my siblings and parents having fun are still fresh. Every time this happens I would ask myself why my mama and papa don’t like me? I’m I their real daughter or I’m adopted?
Thinking things will get better, but not. No matter how old I get my mother will always loves my sister and my brothers first. Recently my cat gone missing my mum just told me I was not a good owner. But when my sister’s hamster die of electric shock cause my sister didn’t look after him and stray around and end up with wires. After a few hours my mum came back with a pair of hamsters and say ” there you go don’t be sad ok?”
Anyways I love my dark corner my only place of comfort.
shawanda
Im really glad i found this site this evening and after reading the article and many of the posts I’m hoping somehow, someone can lend an ear and maybe offer some advice. I am a mom of 3 very wonderful kids. Their father and I have been married for 16 years and have a very stable home. Each of the kids are unique in their own way, and I love each of them as such, equally but differently. My oldest is 16, he is learning to drive, got his first job and does well in school so he gets many privileges. The youngest is 5, and after many doctors visits we have discovered she has some brain dysfunction problems that requires medical attention. My middle son is 12. He has struggled with school from the very begining. He has difficulty reading and staying focused. Yet he excels at math and science when he wants too. He won second place in the local science fair this year and advanced to the state competition though he didnt place. We have had him tested for adhd and dyslexia and both turned out negative. He is very asthmatic and has a few other medical issues that make him different than most. Last night he ran away from home and the officer who found him and brought him home asked him why he ran away and my son told him that it was because we dont love him or want him. I was so devastated, I didnt know what to think and or do. So after sitting down with him for a few hours I was more confused than ever. He said that he feels that we dont love him or want him, not because of the different types of attention that his brother and sister receive, but because we dont allow him to “have fun”. He thinks that because we dont go see a movie every other day and take him swimming at the park, and take him to do recreational activities everyday that we dont love him. He has this notion that in life everyone else has fun but him. Having said that keep in mind I said that he struggles with school. We have actually switched him to 3 different schools hoping he will find a better fit. Also we are not a family with alot of financial means. His father and I are both working parents who both have 9-5 day jobs, however mom is a teacher and so I have summers off with the kids. None of the kids have ever been placed in after school / summer activities such as t-ball, boy scouts or the likes due to financial obligations. He gets disciplined quite often for not doing his homework and for excessive talking and disruption in school. At home he gets into trouble for being mean to his sister, calling her names, taking things away from her, mistreating the family pets and one I dont quite understand is his eating habits. He refuses to eat dinner saying he doesnt like it (no matter what it is) and is up in the middle of the night eating any kind of junk food or “things he likes”. So he also has rotten teeth because he refuses to eat properly and take care of his health and hygiene needs. So now he requires oral surgery for the 2nd time to remove 4 more permanent teeth. We have to have him re-shower sometimes 3 even 4 times in one evening because he doesnt clean himself properly. Now as a mom, I have learned that each child is different and must be addressed differently. And up until now, had thought I was doing an okay job at it it. Im not perfect by any means and know that I never will be, but if there is something going on with him emotionally that Im not understanding, I want to know so that I can understand how to help him overcome these obstacles. As a mom I want the best for my children. However, as a mom I know I would be doing a big mis-service to my son by giving in to his notion that he deserves recreational activities when he hasnt earned those privileges. But I am not sure how to help him understand that life is full of we dont always get our way, but when you work hard to achieve something the satisfaction of earning it is greater than the reward itself. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Kate
Your middle child sounds depressed. If you talk to him and he genuinely can explain why he shouldn’t mistreat his sister and pets (and shows remorse for his actions) then it sounds to me like he is struggling to fill an unmet need. This isnt necessarily your failing as a parent but simply the way he is learning to cope with his struggle. Above all else it is important to make sure that he knows that his emotions and thoughts about life are okay. He is probably very frustrated with school and himself. His older sibling is a picture of stability and your middle child needs to work a lot harder to get the same result. He could be getting bullied in school, or maybe he has become the bully to feel power or control. It sounds like he doesn’t have a place to really rest his head. As in, he doesn’t have “his thing”. You need to find something he enjoys (that isn’t expensive) so that he feels like he has an outlet and something in life to occupy him that doesn’t make him feel like he’s less than everyone else. I think he needs something he can really be proud of consistently.
I grew up in a stereotypical nuclear family. I had a mum who stayed at home, dad who worked full time and I’m the youngest of two; boy and girl. It was a stable and loving environment but as a kid, when I struggled with bullies my mum made me feel like I needed to shut down my emotions. She couldn’t handle me being upset so it was always about quieting me. 12 is an age when I was severely bullied and sexually abused and it’s taken me ten years to start to sort it out. Having to deal with those things in addition to a mother that was uncomfortable with me expressing my pain was a recipe for a lot of struggle later in life. I learned really unhealthy ways to cope instead. As someone who has struggled with depression I can tell you that his eating habits are only going to make it harder to cope with everything. Eating crap food is the easiest way to kill a balanced brain. You are his parent which means he is going to eat healthy. Period. This is not negotiable. He doesn’t leave the dinner table till he’s had enough meat and veggie. You will see a marked improvement once he starts to eat the right things regularly, I guarantee it.
Talk to your children. One on one and as a whole family. Let them know that they can come to you. And when they cry let them cry until they’re done. Don’t fill their heads with what they might have done differently until theyre calm and able to work through it because they might otherwise feel like their pain is invalid or caused by themselves. Especially let them know that there is SO much time in life to sort everything out and find out what the world has to offer. And tell them they are okay, no matter where they are or what mistakes they’ve made, they, as people, are okay and you will always love them.
You’re doing great. Listen and watch. Ask what’s going on. Put your foot down on the critical things like food. Let them know that they are okay.
I hope this helps.
Paris
Hi. I remember when I was a kid, I refused to eat just to make my mom angry. I enjoyed seeing her struggle, because I felt this is the only thing I can control and that was my revenge . I am a middle child and did go through hell as a child. I love but truly hate my mom. It is such a confusing and hard feeling to deal with. I am 40 years old now and a dentist having two kids of my own. But still didn’t get over my traumatic childhood. I am on antidepressants and do not like to see my mom.
To me it looks like your son is not the school type. That is how my sister was and that is how my 11 years old daughter is. My daughter hates studying and has a free spirit.i notice that every time I put pressure on her for studying, she fees claustrophobic and she hates me, because she feels that I don’t love her. Imaging a household with both parents doctors and a child that gets happy when she gets a c. We tried tutoring, punishments, prices, promises, rewards … But looks like nothing worked and made my daughter more and more frustrated and hateful. I remember that my parents did the same with my sister and she is still having a very hard time earning her self steem back. Because she believed that she wasn’t smart enough.
To make a long story short, I thought a bout it and I thought hard and am looking for a way to free my daughter from this harsh and unforgiving school system full of bullies .i feel bad for her because I believe not everybody has to have superior schooling to be happy.
She has shown some interest in cooking and I am jumping on the occasion and am incouraging her to become a chef. I feel that her having higher education is not worthed. Because her mental health is at sake and also life is too short to have my child suffer. I had a long talk with my husband and decided to buy a house in a family trust and rent it, so when she is older and the house is paid for, we are prepared for the unexpected financial needs for her and can use the rent income for her. We don’t see her being able to support herself since she does not have any special talent or interest as far as busuiness goes either.we hope she finds her way and can support herself. But in the mean time we decided to ease up on her so it does not back fire a lot stronger. (We actually know a very good boy from a great family ending up in 6 years of prison because he was rebelling to get her parent’s attention).
To me it honestly looks like your son is very tired and frustrated from the pressure you are rightfully putting on him for school and for life lessons and is taking it all personal and is starting to hate you(so sorry about the honesty) so he is using his one weapon that he has control over and it is not eating.(I became almost anorexic just to revenge my mom for not loving me enough and for being invisible in her eyes) not eating was the only way I could push her buttons and get some attention. But late at nights I was starving, so I went to kitchen and ate some date( the dried fruit) . Imagine the cavities I got from that.
I would maybe take him somewhere quiet on a mini vacation, maybe a camping trip without expecting anything from him and ithout the other siblings. Give him a break from every responsibility. (just this once so he can learn to trust you and learn that your love is unconditional and has nothing to do with him needing to earn that). After he is calmer have a hard to hard talk and see what makes him so angry toward you. I know that the system and the outside help tells you to put more pressure on him, but I feel like all he needs is to learn to trust you and stop worring about how you will judge him based on his behavior. I truly wish you and your faily good luck and hope my experience with not eating helped you understand the reason to a point.good luck.
Maeve
I am kinda the middle child. I have three siblings and am the second youngest, but the other middle child is my brother, and the only boy in the family. I never thought I could have had MCS, but my dad thinks I might have it. It doesn’t help that two of my three siblings hate me. I have really low self esteem, and possible depression. I used to be a social butterfly but am now closed up, and I never go out. I have few true friends and I am always jealous of my siblings, which makes me close up even more. I can’t seem to do anything right, and I stick to the shadows. I want more love from my mom, because she has called me nasty names, like swear words, and never apologized. Not once. All my insecurities eat at me, and it doesn’t help that my siblings attack my low points. At least my dad gives me enough love.
Ash
I can never tell you how much I sympathize with you. I too am a middle child, however, know that you are not alone on this issue. Sometime in life God will allow us to grow up in certain situations to push us to where we need to be. Listen you are strong don’t let your mothers negative words define who you are. You are beautiful, greatly loved not just by the people you notice love you but by Jesus, God Himself. Now what love can beat His love. I’m not trying to sound religious because I am not but anytime you have so much negativity around you or so many things putting you down, know that the devil has peeked into your future and wants to discourage you any way possible. Don’t let it faze you. Even in times when you are given little to no attention keep moving and working on you and where you want to go in life. It only makes you stronger to know that you are making it without the amount of support others around you are receiving. I know that had it not been me going to God (who will never leave us) I would have lost it long ago. I had a low point recently; felt like nobody cared for me or wanted to even hear me out, but God did and still does. Girl keep speaking positive things to yourself even when ppl don’t don’t think you’re worthless or less than I know you’ve got an amazing future and life ahead of you!!!
Mel
i hate being the middle child. my parents have absolutely no control over my older brother so they don’t bother with him. he has practically ruined our lives, getting expelled from school and throwing a giant party while we were away, causing thousands and thousands of dollars of our belongings to get stolen. he fights with my parents a lot, and when they’re angry at him, they seem to take it out on me. my younger sister is so spoiled. my parents never discipline her despite her horrible attitude problems, yet if i have a bad day and accidentally snap, i’m the most horrible person in the world. she has copied everything i’ve ever done (including music playing and horseback riding) and she gets credit for it as if she started those trends, and i get none. my first year of college was such a nightmare; i cried every night until it was over, transferred to a school near home, and i honestly believe i have some form of post-traumatic stress disorder (maybe not as bad, but very similar) i have nightmares about my experiences at that school and was extremely depressed the entire summer and fall following that year. i tried talking to my mom about it, but she brushed it off like i was making it up. HOWEVER, she decides to take my sister to a therapist because “she just sits in her room all day not socializing.” wow, when i was her age, i did the exact same thing and i was FINE. many teenagers go through an antisocial phase, and my phase didn’t come close to phasing my own mother.
i hate being the middle child. every “bad” thing i do is held against me, and every “good” thing i do goes unrecognized. all my life, i’ve tried hard at everything i do, but because of the lack of recognition i’ve gotten later on, i have no motivation anymore. i don’t care about my music anymore, and whenever i work at my barn, i suddenly don’t feel like riding, even though i used to love it. my life seems to be going downhill so fast these days. i want to move out but if i ever mention the idea, i get shot down for it like i’m some kind of bad excuse for a child. i do believe i need to go to therapy over this. all these years have taken such a heavy toll on me. this syndrome absolutely exists, and people who don’t believe it need to do more research on the subject.
Terri
I feel the same way! I’m 19, middle child, and my younger sister is 17. She always copies me, and no one seems to notice but me. She took up dancing after me, and now I don’t even like it anymore, whereas she is in love with it. My older brother is also a lost cause, so my parents have to worry about him all the time, and my parents are helping my younger sister look at colleges, while they did not help me at all. My sister and brother get along fine, and I just seem out of place, and they always dominate every conversation. I hate it.
Katie
I am the mother of three children, two girls and a boy. My son is the middle child and exhibits the behaviors of MCS. He is athletic and Is definitely an extrovert. I am divorced from his father, but we meet up at his events and cheer him on together. I seem to spend most of my time taking him where he wants to go and dragging his two sisters along. Yet, he wants more. In fact, I don’t think I could ever do enough, he would always feel like I am spoiling his sisters more. But, I honestly don’t. I will continue to give him as much attention as I can, because I love him and I love spending time with him….but is my thought process completely off base? Or am I correct in thinking that part of the MCS is feeling sorry for yourself and letting that consume you?
Paris
Based on what I see, the middle children get hit from different directions. In my case, my dad gave me so much respect and attention and love that without him I believe I would have been badly messed up. I did get along with my siblings and they were ok. But in my mom’s eyes, I was invisible and that hurt the most. I an still not healed. May be your son is needing love from some one else in your family and you are the closest target for his unhappiness.
It could be that your middle kid is taking advantage of the situation, or he is just needing a different kind of love. Maybe more verbal. When I feel that my daughter does not appreciate what I do, I let her know first why , and then I give her the silence treatment for a day. I completely ignore her for a day and this creates a strong contrast compare to when I am he driver and her mom and am doing everything for her. That works every time. Good luck and I hope it helps.
Meredith
I hate being the middle child. My older sister is always the one who makes mistakes, but my younger sister is a lazy bitch and should go to a gym to lose weight. She never does anything and i’m always left to pick up the slack. Somethimes i feel like a stranger in my own house and i’d rather be alone in my room than socializing with my family.
Leissa
I know exactly how you feel.. My older sister is so spoilt. She gets everything handed to her on a silver platter. But never does anything good. She always gains heaps of opportunities. And throws them way like it’s nothing! My younger brother is a little lazy shithead.
I love being alone. It’s sad but true, I love being a Loner.. I’d rather be alone then be with family aswell
Dallas
I wish I was never the middle child. It ruined my life. I get in the most trouble and when I’m not in trouble I’m invisible! Life is terrible. I hate how my younger and older siblings get the most attention! I wish It wasn’t this way.
Paris
Guess what, the middle kids are a lot more successful in future. Just focus on yourself nd work hard and become successful so you can show them. Then the life will not be so terrible and you will be the one that comes up on top. I am a middle child and now that I am 40 my family calls me for every problem or advice. I understand you and I have been there. In fact I still am in the same position, but now they all need me and are all after my attention. Good luck
Alex Cooper
I’m the middle child in my family and I find it sucks! My older siblings get to do new things while the younger children still get to old things!
Emily Raven
On the other hand, I’ve made some really close friends who understand me. They know what I’m going through and they’ve always listened to me.
It does console me a little to know that I’m not alone.
Emily Raven
I’m the middle child and have two other sisters. Both my sisters have anxiety problems (my elder sis has ocd and my younger sis has had panic attacks) so naturally my parents were more concerned with them.
When I was 14-16, I went through a really depressing period in my life. I was a really sad kid. I got jealous of my friends and I was always arguing with my parents and little sister. I cried often because I felt so ignored and insignificant in school and at home; people literally ignored me and cast me out because I was really weird and different.
It hurt so bad and I was cutting myself (seeing myself get injured somehow made me feel better). I’ve considered suicide then. I knew I had a problem and tried to tell my mom and sis about it, but they didn’t believe me. They ignored me.
I’ve always been really insecure, envious and possessive. I was always overly jealous when I had my first boyfriend. We both hated it.
My elder sis is doing a terrible job as the eldest. She’s irresponsible and inconsiderate. She treats outsiders like pots of gold, pretending to be such a gentle angel in front of them, but is really rude and satirical to her family.
I have to assume the role of the eldest. I’m a really sarcastic person and I get mean sometimes, but it’s only because I’m so afraid people will see how weak I am inside. My self-esteem is barely there but I always try to be strong by putting up brave fronts. I’m doing it for my mother. I love her, and I don’t want to make her worried for me as well. She calls me her pillar of strength. Whenever she’s upset, she’d always pour her troubles out to me because I’ll be the only kid there for her.
I know she loves me. She is a great mother and we get along really well. I don’t blame her either. My sisters honestly need more help so in order to lessen her parental burdens, I try to handle myself, train myself to be stronger. It’s not working well.
Sometimes, my older sis suddenly tries to assume her role as the eldest, and I’m smashed. It’s good that she’s stepping up, but it wasn’t easy for me trying to figure out my identity. When she becomes the eldest again suddenly, I’m no longer needed to be her substitute. So who am I suppose to be? When this happens, everything in the family rotates around her, and suddenly i feel forgotten and neglected.
It’s really hard being the middle child. I have completely forgotten who I truly am. I put on a strong, formidable front in front of everyone, but deep down, I honestly have no idea what’s it really like to really be me.
I hate it that I’m always trying to get attention and stand out. I hate how I’m so jealous of my friends’ achievements when i should be happy for them. I hate how I’m always bragging about myself to others just to get some recognition. I make myself look so pathetic.
I’m so sorry this comment is so long. I just really needed to spew it out. I shouldn’t wallow in self-pity when there are more unfortunate people who need our help, but I just wanted to release.
Georgia
I agree with all of this because being the middle child is so hard, except my parents spoil me more than my siblings but I still feel alone when they buy me things because I want the relationship they have with my brother and sister. I think I am just jealous of how my siblings don’t need my parents to buy them things to connect with them because their bonds are already so much stronger than mine.
Maham
I know how it is. I used to be the sensitive younger choild but now I can barely get their attention. My sister gets away with more stuff and my little bro gets so many gifts. I make sure he is not spoiled nd has manners. I am always deppressed. My mom never or at least barely says good job when i win a competition. I don’ t exactly blame her I just want more hugs and lovee. My sister called me bpolar. I am 12 yrs old.
Paris
Oh honey. 12 is a tough year by itself. Being 12 and depressed is not easy. I am proud of you for writing about it. But guess what? My advice from a 40 years old middle child to another is that we are always stronger and more successful. We learn to take care of ourselves. I am sure this will pass and you wil build yourself a very happy life. I did it. I agree that it is horrible to be a middle child. But it makes you stronger. Good luck.
Ed
How does all of this MIDDLE CHILD SYNDROME relate if you are number 4 out of 6…? or….3 & 5….?? are they also “Middle Children”..?? Do these characteristics, emotions, scars, pains and dissappointments rest in all of them…??..number 3,4 &5…?
It seems that this MIDDLE CHILD is only when there are 3 children, maybe 4…BUT not 5 or 6 or more cchildren.
So:
1. maybe there is something to learn from the developmental life experiences of each child versus the assumptions about being #2 out of three(3).
2. Maybe there are also some “genetic” issues that transfer from Parent to child that impacts the child’s sense of self and development.
3. Maybe being the MIDDLE CHILD could be a launch pad for that child in a positive way. Could there be characteristics like, listening & observation skills, writing skills, creativity or a host of others traits that could make this child more impactful in life than thousands of others including thier siblings.
Someone might look into the childhood life experiences of some of the worlds historical “giants” to see if they were in “the MIDDLE”.
Signed… #4 out of 6.
Oh,by the way, the most “accomplished” by the Grace of GOD.
Dallas
I have a family of 5 kids and I’m the middle child! Think smart kid!
Rachel
Theres something called parentization of the older sibling. When families have large numbers of children there is usually a large enough age gap that the older siblings perform many of the parental responsibilities. This lessens the burden for the parents so that they can be involved with all of the children. MCS may not sound real to someone who doesn’t experience it, many families don’t have issues with MCS but that does not diminish the reality of the disorder in families that do suffer.
Jason
My older brother use to tease me by saying things like my mum loves him the most and dad loves my younger brother the most which hurt alot because I know that it is true, I’ve always suffered from MCS and I blame my parents,, I was never loved by them when I was younger they treated me like s**t and even my brothers agree with me.
I’m not very smart so I couldn’t get the attention by getting good grades, so I turned to doing bad things to get the attention i so needed, getting banned from a shop when I was 10 for stealing, and being locked up in a cell for 5 hours for trespassing when I was 11 is just a few things that I did for my parents attention.
By the time I was 14 I was doing drugs and not caring about my parents attention, I hated them and I did for a long time.
Now I am 24, I’ve been off drugs for about 2 years but it’s too late my life is f***ed, I don’t trust anybody anymore, too much of a coward to kill myself. And even though blaming them for something they unintentionally done to me is stupid, I can’t help but blame them for the way I am, if they treated us as equals would I be a different person, would I be happy. Well that’s something that I’ll never know but I know one thing and that’s I’m never going to haver more the two children.
susan
I am a grown middle child who got sent away as a child to live
with Grandparents who did not like me because I was considered
the troublemaker in the family. Granted I did some weird things
but I was looking for some attention. I still remember to this day
running after the car and begging them to take me home as they
drove away. Some memories never go away. My mother never really
wanted me as I was only 18 months younger that older sister. But
no birth control in those days. Then 6 years later had my brother
and mom almost died brother was third generation name sake
so of course he was very cherished. Older sister was adored by
grandparents as for me I was just there special to no one just
there.Some scars last a lifetime. I was a child who no one wanted.
nancy
Our childhood mirrors each other. I am sorry for both of us.