I Never Stood a Chance

Note: This might be all over the place, so please bear with me.

Right now, I’m sitting in a room of the house owned by my mom. I’m 28 years old and I don’t even have a driver’s license. She blames her ex-boyfriend for his empty promises to teach myself and my sisters when we were in our late teens. My older sister is out of the house was indeed the leader of the three of us. She had to be, due to our mother rarely being home. She was going to school at the time, and when she wasn’t in school she was clubbing. I still remember occasions in which she’d come home from school, and I’d be so excited to spend time with her, only to see go to the bathroom for a shower, grab a dress and leave. There were several times in which I hadn’t seen her all day and happen to wake up late at night to hear her partying with several friends. I would cry as loud as possible just so I could see her. This stopped after a week, when she yelled at me for it. For the first years of my little sister’s life she called my older sister “mama”.

Though she was never really around, she was overprotective. We only really left the house for school, or occasionally to hang out with our cousins or with other kids at a babysitter’s house (which were their own hellish experiences, but that’s a different story…). Whenever me and my older sister would meet any of these kids, the interaction was always the same. The group took to her immediately, and I was constantly bullied. There were occasions in which several of the older kids (8-9 years old)the babysitter was keeping would group together and stare me (5-6 years old) down as if they were going to jump me. I doubt they had real intentions to do so, but it can still prove unnerving at that age.

I cried a lot as a child, and Mom frequently got mad at me for this. One occasion, both of my sisters were beating me up (yes, younger too. What can I say I was a soft kid…) and when she saw me on the floor crying, she simply says, ”Be a man and fight back.” And with that, leaves the room.

I received several beatings from my older sister at this time. She was about 9 or 10 and dealing with the loss of our older brother, whom I’ve never met (more on this later) and our parents divorcing. She had a lot of pain in her and I was the one she often expressed it on.

At the age of 10, Mom divulged that I was conceived specifically to take the place of my older brother. Which in and of itself isn’t that big of a deal, I guess. But in later years, thinking back on our interactions, I feel she didn’t want a son to replace the one she lost, but a product to be corrected with the belt.

As the years progressed, through high school and college, I notice my mom and sisters becoming closer as I distanced myself from my mother as best I could. There were instances in which Mom would get on me about something, then start yelling at me two other unrelated things. I ask my older sister about it, and I find out that on several occasions, the three of them came together just to rant about what a pain in the ass I am. This dynamic would continue over time. When me and my little sister got jobs, if my sister had a bad day at work she could easily go to our mom to vent. I gripe about things at work, I get yelled at for not taking initiative to leave. I’d explain that I’ve turned in several applications; she’d continue to yell at me saying I wasn’t trying hard enough to find another job. In recent years, my mother admitted she was harder on me because I’m a male. Though I still live with her, I haven’t really talked to her since I was 12.

May I also mention that throughout all these years until college, we were STILL not allowed to leave the house for any reason other than school. From practically no interaction with the outside world, to a customer service job…clearly this wouldn’t turn out well..

This brings you guys up to speed on my past and explains my current broken state. I have severe social anxiety. When in public settings, as a reflex, my body tenses up as if ready for a fight to defend myself against the outside world. I don’t have many friends because of this. At work, I scare people away from me with a look. Actions that I mean to be benevolent unintentionally come off as hostile to those around me.

I’m an aspiring comic book artist. Many people say I’m good, but whenever I try to submit work to a company, I’m so riddled with self doubt that nothing ever gets done. Recently, I’ve found myself entertaining the idea of suicide.

– A.J.

5 thoughts on “I Never Stood a Chance

  1. Posted by Julie | February 27, 2009 | 18:11:54*hugs* I’m so, so sorry. -Posted by Angela | February 27, 2009 | 21:29:48Andrea, I’m so sorry. -Posted by Lisa | February 28, 2009 | 18:52:59I’m sorry to hear about Trixie. My sympathies, Lisa ( Limarie ) -Posted by Andrea | March 01, 2009 | 01:15:04Thank you all. It was awful ytdaersey, but a little easier today. I got to have her for over 15 years and she got to live a very long, happy life. Not many little dogs who get thrown away in dumps manage to have that, but she did. And she deserved it, because she was my little guardian angel and I adored her. And I am of the opinion that all dogs go to heaven, so that makes me happy too. She was very loved and she will be VERY missed. I’ll probably write more about her in an entry later on, but right now it is really hard to even write this much without crying. –

  2. Hope you’re still here to read this. I understand your pain. But I can promise you. It does get better. You need to move into your own space. Even if you take a room in a boarding house. THat’s your first therapy. Separate yourself from that pain you live in. Secondly. NEVER FORGET that little boy who took those beating and abuse, verbal and physical. IF that little child could endure what you endured and survive that YOU, the grown man can surely pay respect to that child by NOT giving up and continue to survive. BE BLESSED…..

  3. Hey friend, sorry to tell you this but entertaining the idea of suicide is and should have never come across your mind!
    I’m 28, just turn.
    I disagree with your idea! Killing is not an option!
    Killing is bad, abstain from killing. M E A Nz
    no Killing even one self!
    please do take this into consideration!
    We are wise now, mature.
    Think deep if needed to.
    Lose the short thought of short coming.
    life is already short. let your life expand until your life span is over.
    Enjoy your life, live your life with an rewarding moment.
    Yeah that mother is two face, A lier! uuuuggggggggggg
    hey she’ll get what she deserve.
    and to think about it. Don’t we kinda feel sorry sympathy for the parent!?!
    she don’t consider you as a son, so how can you consider her as a mother to be?
    you cant…you just can’t!
    however you feel deep down you do care for her that just human nature to feel that way about there parent(family).
    but what ever. gotta to let it go for your better health and peace of mind. be at ease. We shade to many tears, let not waste it to much.
    we do not want to flood the earth.
    Find out for your self what make you feel good.
    look at Suriya (SUN) God Sun is friendly sun shine you bright light, close your eyes and you still see the light.
    and Moon, he is indeed very handsome. look at The GOD Moon.
    so radiant, just automatic make you smile. and lighting up your facial expression.
    ASK YOURSELF is the idea really worth considering?
    why in the world did I? how did I ever had that thought on me mind?
    how is it entertaining?
    does it not scared you instead?
    maybe not….I don’t get scared much since I was 22.
    well I get scared lil bit now for I have attachment to be worries about.
    So let shake it out, the old you, shake it off.
    Let the new you in! ALIVE and FREE.
    Free to live. do what ever you want to do friend.
    be respectful to yourself and resourceful.
    DON”T have that short thought ever again.
    let me remind you, when your time come make sure you’re ready.
    until then enjoy your life with care n carefree.’
    DO somethings good and be happy about it, know it remember it, and let it go. think back and smile 😉 that is it. don’t dewell on it.
    Take cares

    Peace

    Heaven

  4. It’s very unfortunate what you had to endure as a child, however, it seems as if you know what the problem is. Don’t let it control the rest of your life. A great deal of happy and successful people had crappy childhoods. What are YOU going to do about your situation right now? Love yourself, lift yourself up! You deserve a shot at happiness right? Well, sometimes you have to let go of things from your past and move on. Forgive your mother, use your experiences as a life lesson on how you would raise your own children. As you love yourself more, you will begin to break down the social barriers and start to attract others. Persue your dream for creating comic books, you can do it! Oh, and get a driver’s license!

  5. That’s sad. I don’t want to talk about myself here because I feel so bad for you. I would love my kids and would be scared to let them out of my site, but I have to no matter how much I would hate to see my kids not need me anymore (even though I don’t have kids but I can’t even leave my cousins alone with out being scared for them). Though that doesn’t sound like your mom. Its sounds like you mom just isn’t right in the head(sorry) . My mom is the same but she more twoface. I hope things get better for you, and I hope you find a way to get away from her. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can talk to me :)

    peace be with you

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