The Black Sheep

I am the middle girl, 2 older brothers and 2 younger sisters. I have always been treated unfairly by my mom not by my dad I remember one time as a child mom would whip me to do the dishes, and one night dad ask me to do them and to keep her from whipping me, he stayed in the kitchen and started reading me a book until I was done, I was the only girl that ever had to clean the house and wash dishes,  was and still is picked on by my brothers and the sister, that was born after me I can’t stand her, she would break things, or do mean things, to my baby sister and would tell mom I did them. I would get punished.

I hated my life as a child and am 49 now and all of these old feelings are coming back strong. remember as a child I swallowed an ice cube and hid and would not tell mom in fear that I would get a whipping we had to break our own switches and pull all the green leaves off I know at times I may have needed a spanking but got a lot more for things I didn’t do, we as kids were sitting in front of the TV. one day and  my mom told us to be quiet, and so I did and then because the others would not be quiet, she throws a high heel shoe at me, which thank god I ducked and it hit the speaker on her TV. And put a dent in it, and so for that she started hitting me with the dust pan.

I got along with my baby sister other than being jealous of the attention she got from mom she was our half sister. Yes my mom messed around on my dad and got pregnant with my baby sister. I love her but mom thinks the sun rises and sets on her, my mom and dad separated when I was 12 and we had to go to court and say who we wanted to go with and because everyone else wanted to go with mom I went to plus the fact that a year before I started having seziours, and mom was there and dad had to work but did not find out till older, she would meet a man on her stay there with me. When mom and dad separated she started fooling around with my baby sisters dad, one day we were at the apt. we lived at and he was taking us girls and mom to get ice cream and the sister after me screamed when he moved his truck and so for that mom blamed me and she and I didn’t get to go so my mom put us in our room till they got back, which at the time mom and us three girls shared, and they took my baby sister and got her ice cream, and while they were going the sister after, me found some stick pins, and stuck them in my sister’s bed, when mom came home, I told her what she had done, wrong move. I got a beaten and she didn’t and then all of a sudden he upped and left town, never to be heard from again. My mom blamed me for him leaving.

When I started my monthly cycle I was afraid to tell her afraid I would get punished, but knew I had to in order to get my monthly supplies. I would have to tell her I have been praying for years that it would get better it has not she treats my other brothers and sisters like saints and all of their kids like saints but not my kids or grandkids I am married to a really wonderful guy now we have been married for 9 years, Mom loves him I thought mom and I had repaired our relationship we were even talking about her maybe moving in but because I told her that I would not have people running in and out of our house all the time and she said that it would be better that she stay where she is now she has had hip surgery and my baby sister and I stayed over there the night of surgery and I had not slept any the night before surgery because mom had came to my house and I had to shower her the night before surgery and the morning before surgery and we had to leave home at 4 am and she was awake and crying all night I was wore out so about 4 am on the morning after surgery I overheard my mom ask my sister you mean to tell me she did not let you have the good spot to sleep and you have got to drive back across the mountain today which I think I know how to drive I just laid there my heart sank so I know this is still going on.

I was helping her get into her car one day before her surgery and my niece her favorite could get her in the car better than I could my niece has been taking care of her before the surgery only to find out they were kicked out of there trailer because they were late paying rent and there lights have been turned off they have been mooching off mom but I keep my mouth shut she can’t stand her husband and the girl is fooling around with another guy. Mom is in rehab but since I have got home I don’t want to go back my husband sees the way she does me and is very upset. I should not feel this way I had counseling and I thought it was all behind me and I was starting to move on, what happened I feel worse now than I ever have we I feel as though we are talked about all the time I would talk to her about things and my brother would call my husband and make jokes about it has really gotten old so it has been awhile since I have confided in mom about anything here, I have always been teased by my brothers now they are teasing my husband and saying things like you need to step up to the plate and you need to wear the pants things like that they think it is funny my husband and I don’t want to be around any of them, they were making jokes to my teen daughter and I halted that she can’t stand my family she sees right thru them can’t say I blame her she has always ask my mom can I go home with you NO is always the answer. Her dad and I was married briefly but his mom her grandmother and I get along great we have had our run is but I feel closer to her than my mom. I don’t know why all this stuff is surfacing now. I am trying to deal with it and knows my mom needs me now but she is still treating me the same way, how do I get past this. I feel angry ,hurt, heartbroken  and don’t know what to do anymore.

by Lorri

5 thoughts on “The Black Sheep

  1. Yes Kevin, very well said!
    You, I, and we are not alone.
    But look at us now, we are doing well.
    In health wise and ours life. at lest we try to!
    Lorri you’re a great mother/grand and daugther.
    if ever you get to read this. I’d like to know how are you?
    Time has passes and now its 2012 since you last wrote Black Sheep.
    I hope you well.
    Keep your mind with the present. for the past is horrible for the black sheep. if its think about the good past its fine, if its think to much and get attach to it, you’ll be depress or sadden. Please stay here with your family at this moment. whom loves you. be healthy. so all around your family will to be happy and healthy. Project whats good. think whats good. Your husband is always there for you. Speaking of your husband. You’re older brother is a joke! kinda hurt a little bit to hear that from a stranger. I know sorry.
    Not having them means no headache. heartache. or heart broken.
    You have your family. that’s blessing.
    I’m in your past right now. old mother is getting old but worse then ever!!!! Im sorry for everything. (to the world)
    *sighs* A zebra without a strip.
    good things the worst older dude isnt living here.
    that would be hell! for We are close to hell and far from heaven.
    but Heaven is here on earth.
    Heaven is pleasent, but still have defilement.
    still do wrong.
    Truly we all seek for happyness.
    we must do it in the right way. dont take joy seeing others hurt for your own happyness that’s wrong doing!
    we must realize at all time. Are we fed up with the people? not just yet.
    there are good people out there, just rare. (Family is also people, merge out to become people)
    moving in with parent again is a BIG mistake to take in.
    we will never change. if we do.
    we change but ours title remain. The Black Sheep.

    Peace!

    Heaven

  2. My first time to visit this blog, realizes that I’m not actually alone 😀
    You should just probably leave them. Do not let them affect you, this is not good for your own family, you are now blessed with your own family, blessed with a lovely husband and a daughter. You don’t need them now, its your life, don’t worry much about them now, your siblings can take good care of your mom as you might be worrying about. I myself being also treated unfairly by my parents, and siblings no matter how right I am they always side with my siblings, or if me and my parents are fighting my siblings always sided with my parents, but damn I won’t let them affect my life because of this. I have one year left and excited to graduate and live independently. Live up, enjoy life and be strong. You are not alone.

  3. i am also a middle child so I can appreciate some of the things you have to say. I have a friend who is a somatic trainer, teaching people to live in the moment, and that has helped me. Each time I feel unappreciated or resentful, I stop and think that at this particular point in time I have no problems. I only have problems if I reflect on the past. I can’t change the people around me but I can change the way I deal with them…. Be kind to yourself – know that you have and are doing great things for your family and don’t look back. Live in the moment and keep you and your husband and your immediate family the centre points. No one can hurt you unless you let them! Take care and know that you’re not alone.

  4. All that pain and you want to correct her grammar and punctuation? Really Bob?

    Lorri, you need to limit your exposure to your mother. She is toxic. If everyone else does such a great job taking care of her and nothing you do is right or appreciated then let it go. You will only be the whipping boy so long as you allow it. Get healthy and get out.

  5. Please reread your work. It doesn’t make sense. Writing like a conversation isn’t easy. Good luck but please do yourself a favor and fix this

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *