Hey there! I’m Hailey and I’m a middle child 🙂
So.. you must be wondering, is Middle Child Syndrome real or not? Is it a real issue or just another made up condition for millenials? If you are a middle child yourself or a parent of a middle child, please read on!
What is Middle Child?
A middle child is someone who is born in between two or more siblings. Being born in the middle, as you’ll soon find out, is not that simple. The middle child, unlike the eldest or youngest child, does not get much attention. Middle children are also usually considered outcasts in their families and often develop a condition called Middle Child Syndrome.
What is Middle Child Syndrome?
Middle child syndrome is a condition in which children born in the middle experience feelings of emptiness, inadequacy and jealousy. It is also characterized by low self-esteem and extreme introversion, sometimes even leading to psychotic behavior.
The middle child, unlike the eldest child and the youngest child, is not given much attention. They have to go the extra mile just to get some of it. Middle children tend to be achievers because they need awards to be recognized by their parents. Sadly, this also goes the other way around, they can be very troublesome and determined to get noticed even if it means getting scolded at or punished.
Because they lack emotional support and guidance from their parents, they will always have a sense of low self-esteem. These feelings of emptiness and loneliness make them not very friendly and maybe even weird to other people. Most likely, these negative feelings will also stop them from pursuing what they want.
Other observable traits of middle children are insecurity and jealousy. Being raised in an environment where they have to compete for attention, it’s natural for them to have feelings of insecurity and jealousy of others. Seeing others easily get attention while they continue to strive for attention, these feelings of resentment towards others will continue to build up. All these repressed feelings of being unloved, unwanted or even hated can trigger an extreme case of middle child syndrome where they show psychotic behavior.
Possible Causes of Middle Child Syndrome
After discussing the common traits of people with middle child syndrome, we can find two main causes, identity crisis and lack of emotional support.
Identity crisis is very common to us all, and it’s something that we all experience at some point in our lives. Wanting to be different from everyone else is very normal and there’s not much we can do about it. The other cause is lack of support. Because the eldest and youngest are the common favorites, the middle child is not given any support or attention. This unloved feeling makes them less confident and envious of others, often leading to even more problems such as drug abuse.
Is there a Solution?
Some say that middle children should be given the love and attention that they should have had when they were young, but I believe this will only make them more dependent on their parent’s approval.
There are also cases where middle children tend to separate from their family at a relatively early age to have families of their own. While having a new family means getting another chance, I do not think this is the best solution because escaping the past will not really resolve any childhood issues and these issues may haunt them for the rest of their lives.
The main cause of middle child syndrome is lack of emotional support, which is the responsibility of the parents. So logically, I would have to say that good and responsible parenting is the real and outright solution for middle child syndrome. While this may sound more like prevention rather than treatment, I think that it’s never too late for good and responsible parenting.
But this is just my opinion, what do you think? Comments are very much appreciated.
Feel free to join the discussion. We’d love to hear from you!
Ally
HI, i am Ally, i am 11 years old and i am the middle child of 3 kids my big brother is 14 my little sister is 8 and of course i am 11 we are all 3 years apart my birthday is in October, but everybody else in my family was born in November. All my siblings say that i was a mistake, i am glad to know that i am not the only person who feels this way. I feel like I AM A MISTAKE….. everyday that thought runs through my head. Ally, your just a mistake, Ally, your not suposed to be here.. Ally, why don’t u just kill yourself. I am glad to know that my grandma and grandpa where very happy that i was a girl. They told me that they did not want a grandson, because they cant go shopping with him. 🙂 MY grandma was also a middle child and also my grandpa 🙂 I love spending the summer there. There i feel like i actually belong. There i get all the atention, and my brother and little sister get ignored. Si, usually only i go over there. 🙂 I love it! does anybody else have the same situation?
ps
it is most decidedly a real thing. As the 3rd of 4 boys, i had to fight for everything and my wardrobe consisted almost entirely of hand me downs. My eldest brother was spoiled rotten, even when caught with drugs by the police or my parents, it was just seen as ‘one of those things’. He was also a vicious bully. My youngest brother was treated the same way. The only good thing to come out of it was the fact that i am more of a self-starter than the other two. I have achieved more in my life in terms of education, work and home life due entirely to my own initiative. Maybe having the last laugh ain’t such a bad pay off.
Toni F.
I came across this website and I’m glad to know that I am not alone and that my feelings are not crazy.
I too am a middle child. One older brother, an older sister and a younger one. I am in my 40’s so I thought that my feelings are unwarranted since I’m an adult.
My father died when I was 7 turning 8 (five days before my 8th birthday). I never really felt it until I became a teenager. Unfortunately, my mother’s feelings/emotions died with my father. She is only here physically (completely only MY own opinion). Others might say otherwise. My youngest sister was 2 when my father died. Right there and then, I knew that my sister can do no wrong.
Every time I discuss my feelings to them, it was almost dismissed as being crazy, that I shouldn’t feel that way, etc. etc. But after reading this website, my feelings were warranted and I wasn’t crazy for feeling that way. Until recently, my mother proved to be very unfair. But I guess, it is what it is. I have to accept it and just move on and be happy with my life. I dont think it will completely go away but I just have to learn to accept it. I don’t want to hate my siblings. As for my mom, I don’t hate her, but I do have negative feelings towards her at times. She is still my mother and I give her the love and respect because she is my mother but nothing beyond that.
kay bee
hey people. I’m 17 and i’m frm a family of 3 and i’m the middle child. This article goes hand in glove wth e situation i am in. I feel lonely at times and mst of the times i feel that my father was the only person who gave me the attention i needed and when he passd, i nevr really got nuthn bt scolds and ignorance frm my mother and other relatives. I am the “untrusted one” and whenever i got into a fight wth one of my siblings my mom jus stnds there and watches whilst i am being chocked and get my arm twistd. My siblings supportng each othr no matter if i am the innocent one. I hve had enuf of ths. Wen i get successful and any of them need help, i am not going to help anyone becoz they really ddnt help m in any way.
chrissie
Okay so everyone always talks about the middle child syndrome. I am 1 of 3 and I am the oldest. My sister is the middle and my brother the baby. My sister has all her life and still to this day at the age of 30 talked about being the middle child and how it effected her life. Let me explain something as the oldest child. Yes I did get more attention but I was always in trouble because I was the oldest therefore, I was trying to get more freedom than they were willing to give. Being the oldest, my parents had never went through anything before and I was the “trial kid” Everything I did was watched and discussed. I couldn’t do anything without my mom having to talk to my friends parents and even driving by and checking up on me. However, by the time my sister, who is 3 yrs younger, came to want to do things she never had to worry about getting in trouble or my mom following her or checking up on her due to I already went through it and she relized I was still alive and was fine. Both my sister and brother had later curfews and were both able to date at a younger age than me. They went through there stupid hair and clothes faze without so much as a glance or fuss, where as I was made fun of daily for how I looked. Never once did I get a thank you. Instead I STILL have to listen to how bad she had it because she was a middle child. Yeah???? Well try being the oldest. Try being a test model. And guess what? This is the 1st time I have ever said anything about this. Maybe I should come up with “the oldest child syndrome” then I can complain about how bad I had it and blame everyone else for things out of their control. This is just my opinion. I’m sure some middle child out there will call me unfair and mean for saying this…….but stand in line, I have a little sister that already does that.
Shea
I searched this artical because my 17 year old middle sister is and always had been a little bit nuts and complains about being the middle child.
I never leave comments or reply online but I found what you said very refreshing to here as the oldest/test child. My parents were tyrants with me in comparison to my sister. I never spoke back but they still scream and shout, get a way with murder.
I just wanted you to know I completely agree with you and have had the same experiences plus I now have a response next time my sister bitches about being the middle child. Thanks 🙂
James
When I read some articles, it really hit me. I am the middle child too and coming in deaf family. I thought it would fade my feeling, unfortunately, it would never fade. Today I am 37 years old and going to be 38 in couple of months. Right now, I can analyze my childhood and see how much I had been suffered. I always feel being left out in family when the family discuss in any topics. Many times, I tried to involve in the discussion, they never paid attention to my discussion. It led me to low self-esteem, I always thought that I am not smart in family. However, I earned my Bachelor’s degree same as my older brother and younger sister, but it still bothers me. I have one young brother which is middle child too, he gets more attention from our mom because he is only hearing in family. During my senior year in high school was extremely hard for me because my parents got separated and going on divorce. My grades fell apart in senior year compared to my junior year. I didn’t even think that school is important. My motivation for going to college was gone. Later in 2003, I decided to do what the best for myself, went to college. I know I had been struggled being middle child in my life, but I have to focus on myself and reach my goal than worrying on my family to look at me.
I remember one day, I got a big argue with my younger sister. She told mom to tell me stop. My mom yelled at me for that. I told her to tell sister to stop for something. All our mom said is, “Oh, she is my only daughter.” I told my mom, “I am your son too.” I felt like I am not her son anymore. Of course, I often forgave my family million of times. I often told my mom how the middle child feels like me. She still doesn’t understand.
I read the articles in other websites. I can see a lot exactly me because I used to be so rebelled in family, bad attitudes, and jealousy. My parents used to called me black-sheep in family because of my rebellion. When I was small kid, I used to be an angel and quiet boy until I turned my teenager years, I was horrible kid. Of course, I was desperate for attentions. I think I developed myself into worse when my younger sister born on my 7th birthday. We share the same birthday, I remember when I was 8, our birthday party, everybody paid attention to my sister turned 1 year old. I believe that I developed with anger problem, started bullying on my younger sister. We had a horrible relationship, but today we are doing fine.
However, I had a horrible struggled in my life, but I had escaped from my family. I looked at myself, which I am lucky for having a nice home, married, a nice car, and others while my older brother and younger sister still living with mom.
I often thought about writing the book about my life as the middle child.
Anyone who is the middle child, don’t give up yourself or your goals. I never see any counselor, but I encourage you (young age) to see the counselor.
clarissa
Hi, everyone.
I came upon this article and this comment thread because I have a middle son and I’m kind of feeling a bit lost right now.
My middle son, he’s four, told me earlier I always get mad at him. And in retrospect, it is true, but simply because he’s the one that makes the most trouble. And thanks to you guys, I now am confident that him making trouble is not the real issue. The real issue is the fact that his older brother and his baby sister is just getting more attention.
Again, he’s four. And I’m hoping I can catch this thing before it blows out of proportion. I’m really looking for some enlightenment from people who would know. What could your mothers have done better for you?
P.S. And btw, you guys, I don’t know if it makes any difference, but behind closed doors, between my husband and I, we talk about the middle child more than we do the other ones. Not because he’s naughty and he acts up, but because at the end of every day, we always feel like the middle child doesn’t get the attention he deserves. It really does break my heart.
So, back to the question… what could your mothers have done better? I know it’s about us being more attentive, but what does that look like?
georgie
Hi – I have a three and a half year old son who is middle child and I am feeling heartbroken too as I am watching him struggle with it and don’t know what to do… Its awful isn’t it…!
Maria
Is hard to say how does that looks like. I’m the middle child #2 out of 3 kids. I would say that my parent’s in my case never noticed what I do right but always keep in count what I do wrong. I will tell you a little example since I consider that most of the times does little things are the ones that lead to this kind of problems since little things consistently happens and they continue piling up. I always try to do something with my mom like watch some kind of show with her you know? Every time I’ve asked her “Oh mom are you busy? I have a new show we can watch together!” She always tends to be “Tired, feeling sick, not in mood” And well the point is there is always something going on that prevents us from spending that time together to watch the show about a week ago after telling me she was too tired to watch it an hour later my older sister asks her if they can go to the movies and my mom and my sister go together because all the sudden “she was feeling better”. This is only a little example I’m not saying she wasn’t actually tired when she told me she was or that she wasn’t actually feeling better I’m just trying to put that example of how we sometimes are neglected if she was feeling better and had thought of me or thought of spending some time with me she could had said “I’mm feeling better let’s watch that show!” I hope that example kind of helps I just put it out there Hahah. I guess another little one is I’m the kind of I was name valedictorian in my school about two months ago when I told my mom she got really happy and afterwords she said “Your sister could have been valedictorian if she had done the 4 years in the same school” I thought “I did it. I’m valedictorian! My mom will be proud of ME” And she comes with my sister again. Is hard to live under someone’s shadow and never get recognized by all the things you do right but always get pointed for the things you do wrong. I guess I hope that helps! Those are like 2 little examples. I’m really glad you’re trying so hard to be a good mom to your middle child (: Oh!! And A suggestion is don’t ever compare any of your kids with each other!
Jay * anonymous*
So, I have read many of these stories, and they, like most of yours, are nearly word for word with my own life. Perhaps I might have “double middle child syndrome” because i am the middle child in both my immediate family (middle child of three, total) and the middle child in my extended family as well (exactly in the middle of 7 other grandchildren, I have actually gone more than one Christmas where my grand parents forgot to buy me anything at all while showering the others with many presents). Right now, I am struggling with alcohol addiction and nicotine addiction, plus a few other drugs less known but more destructive than most. any help would be, obviously, helpfull. contact me at [email protected]
vera brown
yes out of 9 I was #4 and in boarding school living in a dormortory at age 8. there were 4 at home never put out like that.
all my life I was called stubborn,rebellious,carnal,brat,
I never won support or praise.no one came to my graduation,my wedding,my marriage,my childs birth,yet later relatives in need of a place to stay or financial help came to me.I helped them I think finally I`ll be accepted,no when they got my help when I needed help later no one would help me.
Bobby
I am a middle child. I will be 49 in August. The son stuck between 2 brothers. My older brother always got the new clothes as did my younger brother. Me? Hand-me-downs. I never got anything new until I was at working age, except for when I was 15 a sprouted a foot in a year. I just now realized that I have MCS desease. Goes with my M.S. My dad always treated me badly, like I was the desease. I can only remember once in recent yeasr that he actually said something nice to me. Yes, he did stuff for me growing up like he did for my brothers. But just the unloving attention that he gave me. Everything was my fault. Came from all directions. So at almost 27, I got married. Lasted 10 terrible years. So at 44 I got remarried. Guess what, my parents don’t care for my beautiful loving wife, they still treat my ex as if we were still married. Guess it’s time to move on from my family and get a therapist. I guess I am just bitter.
can'ttell
You know. I didn’t know about this thing until just now as I watched The Big Bang Theory. And I have got to say, I really don’t understand what to feel right now. Relieved that I finally know the reason behind my bitterness, or frustration for having discovered it and still not being able to do anything about it. You tell me, maybe?
Question Everything
Something to ponder: you don’t get to be a middle child until ALL the children are born, i.e. when the parents stop having children.
With only three children, child number 2 would be the middle child,
until two other children are born, then child number 3 would be the middle child. By then, the first three children might have developed their personalities such that there is no question about being unloved, or low self-esteem, introvert, seeking attention, etc. In fact, child #3 would be the youngest for a while, which I’d argue be getting the most attention from everyone, until child #4 arrives, which could be years later down the road (say 10 years).
Are you saying your theory is valid only for children who are born relatively close in years in between?
Lynne
I am the middle child of 3. My brother is just 11 months older. My younger sister came along 6.5yrs later therefore I was 2nd child for a while. My family were not very wealthy therefore when my brother was born there were lots of photos taken but when I came along 11 months later they couldn’t afford as much so there are no photos of me as a baby, I always thought I was adopted, my family, to this day find this hilarious, (I am 49yrs old now) and I find this heart-breaking. (Psychologist thinks this has affected me all of my life). My bad/attention seeking behaviour started when my sister was born 6.5yrs after me. I don’t think it matters when the children are born (close together or not it does have a huge impact on the middle child). I only started seeking help when I kept failing in relationships and it seems it all stems from treatment in childhood. I was never good enough in anything I had done in my life although I have a very successful career, own house, own car, fabulous holidays, fabulous life in all other ways apart from relationships. There is still a huge difference to this day in how we are all treated and I only started getting psychological help 2 yrs ago. All the stories you read are just like my life, loner, low self esteem, allowing people to use you, walk all over you etc.
Weirdo in Denver
I agree with this article totally! I’m not one to feel sorry for myself, in fact I don’t talk about this issue with anybody. I am an adult now and have my “own” family, but my “original” family still gets to me in a negative way. I definitely feel like an outcast at family gatherings. My older sister and younger brother pretty much get all the attention, I feel like I don’t fit in and it’s really awkward. The thing that really gets to me is the fact that my parents are worse now than ever! I live about half-hour away from them and they haven’t come for a visit to see my kids or myself for over a year. They haven’t seen our Christmas tree in over 5 years now. They never express an interest in seeing me or their grandchildren. They are really friendly when we see them (always at their house) on holidays, but other than this, that’s about it. They are healthy, active and retired so I’m not sure they don’t put more of an effort into getting together and seeing us. I feel abandoned and rejected by my own parents. I’m so jealous of friends that have their parents over all the time and just come to “hang out.” It makes me sad, but I don’t let it get to me too deep. Does anybody out there deal with this rejection from parents in adulthood?
Lynne
Hi there, it’s funny you call yourself “weirdo” from Denver, I too see my self as “the weirdo” and yes I am 49yrs old and still have this huge feeling of jealousy and resentment towards my siblings and anger and confusion with my parents for treating me like this. It has had a huge impact on me all of my life but I have only just taken notice of this and have stopped speaking to my parents, my sister and have minimal contact with my brother.
Dre Svenkirk
Ella, you are very right. I’m a middle child and I can see many of these characteristics in myself such as jealousy, a need to always be ontop, and constantly vying for attention. I heard pride can also result from poor parent/child bonding instead of low self-esteem and this seems to be my case. My parents don’t believe in MCS and credit my flaws to my own shortcoming which I as well did for the longest time. My older brother was the intelligent, responsible one, my little brother the sweet victim, I the selfish, domineering jerk that always needed kept in her place. I don’t understand how people can be so blind. I look back on some things in my childhood and ask how intelligent, loving parents could let it happen. I remember a time my best friend asked me to go to a symphony concert with her. I love music. I was so excited but the parents said no. It crushed me. Later I found out they only said no to test me and I failed. I failed because I was a little kid who was excited to death about going to a concert with her friend and was absolutely devastated when told for no reason that I wasn’t allowed to go! My parents never took me to a symphony concert. They never took me to musicals or plays. Instead when we needed a ‘getaway’ they’d pack-up and head up to the lake where my little brother loved to bird watch. I HATED those trips. All I could do was wander down a board path with the earbuds in, stopping every ten steps to wait ten minutes while my parents and brother ‘oo’ed and ‘ah’ed over some bird they thought they saw. They couldn’t just do me the favor and leave me home. If a fight ever broke out between me and one of my brothers it was always my fault. My brothers would harass me and mock me and hide my things and if mom wasn’t partially in on it she was standing there looking at me like I was a psychotic while I yelled and screamed at the top of my lungs, trying to make someone hear me. Yet she was always there to defend my brothers against their evil sister. On the rare occasion my parents did try to indulge me it was so unusual and so awkward I wished they didn’t and usually turned them down. My little brother was always getting attention from Mom and Dad for his ‘good, educational’ hobbies while I was berated for spending too much time on my computer to write, my favorite hobby. Dad was always doing stuff with the boys, Mom was always doing her thing, I was just kind of hanging there pleading for someone to notice me.
Today my life’s like an overgrown jungle but I’m finally starting to very slowly understand who I really am, a question that should’ve been answered before I was 10 years old. I have lots of great friends who I never would’ve survived without and big plans for the future. Hearing about MCS has been a blessing to me because I now know something is not wrong with me and there are others like me but at the same time it breaks my heart to know this is the norm and so many more precious middle children will grow up as confused and resentful as I was – only because they were born middle children.
dra
i never realized i had middle child syndrome until recently. i am 24. i mean i always i had this lonely feeling, but i didnt realize that i was actually alone and nobody cared. i thought middle child syndrome was just made up. that there is nothing wrong with being a middle child. My sister is 2 years older than me and my younger sister is 8 years younger! So I thought I never would have this middle child syndrome since I was the youngest until I was 8 years old…
people ask me how many siblings i have and i say im middle child, and i just hear, ‘ ohhhh, youre a middle child…..’
I was always the more motivated, determined, responsible, goal achiever, independent, etc, which is how I got my parents trust, and to make them acknowledge me?
But I realized I am actually defensive, narcissistic, self-centered, selfish, stubborn, hard headed, cold hearted human.
I realized I really do need this pat on the back, good job, from my parents… always need to impress them…
I always thought to myself that I want to live far away from family, go somewhere random and make new friends and lose connection to everyone previous.
I guess this thought is actually part of having middle child syndrome… to run away from everything and be left alone.
I feel like I have so many problems, but I don’t know who to talk to. I am very religious as well, but I feel like I’ve even lost touch with God.
I have pushed my friends away, even my bf! I don’t easily let down my walls and open up to people about my problems, because they are my problems…
I became very insensitive, uncaring, fake, angry, quiet, bitter, bicker, etc and everything negative.
Why am I like this? Is this how I grew up? Or is this who I was supposed to be?
All I want to do is quickly get married to my bf and move out far away and lose connection with everyone, and make new friends who know nothing about my background.
I feel like I will regret it though.
What can I do?
I also got into a huge fight with my mom, and we haven’t spoken for a week. longest and worst fight ever.
She says im selfish, self centered, lost her trust, blah blah, and that she raised me wrong.
I want to tell her she raised me as a middle child, which is why I became insensitive, selfish and self centered. No love. outcast. And I don’t want to be bothered.
But this will burn the fire more…
When I come home from work, she just says hi or whatever, but when my older sister comes, theyre like HI OLDEST DAUGHTER.
Ok there goes my self esteem in the corner shriveled up. Didn’t know it even existed.
I got myself a dog so that I wont be lonely, and it works. But now that my aunt lives with us and she has a dog, my dog has a new bff.
I am so depressed! I never knew I would become this problem child! I am in denial!!!
Do I need a therapist? Talking about this problem on this comment section is actually working…
Anyways, I never want to have 3 kids……..
Virginia
Hey everyone! I am a middle child as well and I have to agree with the article. In more ways than one, I have benefited from being a middle child. Because of not getting a lot of attention, I did become an over-achiever. I am very ambitious and… Happy! It could have either a positive effect or a negative effect on you. It is truly up to you to either succumb or overcome the situation you were born in.
Ella
Alot of these stories sound just like me and my life. My family laugh when I bring up “middle child syndrome”. Its very real.
All my life I have never been good enough, my parents openly talked about their favourites in terms of sport, academics, personality etc.
Now they think they can treat my children like i was treated and guess what, I was a defenseless little girl being marginalised, did they really think I would allow them to treat my children that way? no way, absolutely not.
I’ve succeeded in my work life and never got their approval for anything. I feel worse and worse as I get older about how I was treated as a child and sometimes I just want to put the kids and I on a plane and move to the other side of the world and distance myself from my family. I hate how they treated me then and I hate how they subtly do it now through my kids.
Middle child syndrome is very real. Its taught me how not to parent
Chris
I’m the middle child and only girl. I used to joke about how my life reflected “the prodigal son” now that I’m older……. yeah its not so funny anymore. I’m not religious but my parents made me go to church with them for years after my older brother was allowed to stay home. And every time I heard that story I wondered why my parents never saw the similarities.
I HATE that people describe middle child syndrome as if it is the middle child’s fault. Not all middle children are the same. I never did drugs, I never got into trouble and I tried very hard to be accepted for who I was. I admit there is a violent urge to smash things or hit people but its easy to resist after a while.
I’m 25 and it is only getting worse. I see it as blatantly as the jokes on a tv show. I actually think my life is a show some days. Its so bad I have resolved to never spend another holiday with my family ever again. I actually resent them now when they try to give me anything. I no longer want to physically harm them, I want to break their hearts. I doubt that I could bc lets face it, the oldest is the best, the youngest is the most promising and i’m just the middle child. I have made my mother cry more than once and didn’t so much as flinch. Thats not right!
Bottom line, being a middle child doesn’t always make you a bad egg. Sometimes it makes you the better person by knowing how NOT to treat people. The only thing that feels good anymore is the hope that one day I can actually leave and see my family as little as possible. Like Skype for 5 min once a year would be good enough for me, just so I can check on the family pets…….
nicola
I have 3 children and my middle son feels he is treated differently from his elder sister and younger brother and feels pushed out, i have spent more time and money on him than the other two put together, and always praise him on his achievments, his passion is football so from the age of 5 until 16 i took him football every week rain or shine, by doing this my younger son couldnt take up a full time hobby as i couldnt be in two places at once. I have always been close to him as i am my other children and we can talk about anything which is bothering him, i was shocked when i found out he felt like this, he is a very self centred person and not very family orrientated unlike his siblings but i love him to bits and tell him every day, the only time i feel he wants to know me is when there is a problem in his life in which we talk it through so i really dont understand why he feels like this. He is 23 and a Taurus
Char
Hi there,
As reading your article about Middle Child Syndrome, I learn’t something about myself and was always wondering what was wrong with me….
I am now 30 and I still think about my past and why I feel the way I do now. You are right. I am the outcast of my family and I have always been. It will never change. It just so happens that my oldest sibling came home from away for a visit and my family and I are not involved much in the events that has taken place since the arrival. I have seen my oldest sibling twice. The night he/she got here and again when my mother wanted updated family pictures.. since then, they are after having family suppers which was planned they same day I had to work. My brother in laws birthday is coming up and again my family was not invited.
It really do hurt, but yet they can’t understand where I’m coming from.
They would usually say that I don’t need to be invited, I’m talking foolishness or to get over myself.
I am not a drinker so the party socializing, they think that I would be there board.
I can’t remember any good times as a child. Most of my memories are the hurtful stuff. I’m left on the side lines and don’t know how to fix it !!!!
Valarie
As a middle child yes .. I felt that I was alone and unloved. However, it made more creative an Steve for whati didn’t get from parents or siblings. I was thought of as a little crazy, but I enjoyed my experiences growing up. It can be a struggle, but I had a close relationship with God and through divine intervention I was able to be successful and happy. I have been married to a wonderful man for 33 years. I have to sons who are adults and well adjusted. I found growing up there was favoritism among the siblings, and I decided if I ever had child they would be loved equally and the were.
I would but I wouldn’t change my life there were many obstacles but struggle is good. That say ” what doesn’t kill you …. Only makes you stronger. I am a happy 50 something and I enjoy my life !!!!
misty
I would like to cite your article for a psychology paper on personality but didn’t see your name! If you wouldn’t mind posting at least the first name of the author I would love to use it as a reference, because I feel psychology needs to delve deeper into middle children, especially those whom felt unwanted in child hood
Sooty
I have an older sister (16) and a younger brother (9), and I’m 13. My sister is the “high achiever” and “goody two-shoes” that gets praise for every single little thing she ever does, and my brother is the “baby of the family” and he gets away with anything. I feel as if I have to work really hard to get noticed most of the time.
Sometimes I’ve cried myself to sleep wondering why everything good I do goes without notice and everything bad I do gets blown way out of proportion. Sometimes I even get the blame for things I didn’t do. But what really annoys me is that if I either of my siblings do something that I would get told off for; my parents wouldn’t even notice.
Because of this, I’m more detached from close family and keep to myself. I’ve even resorted to talking to ‘imaginary friends’ because they’re people who actually understand.
It’s also kinda obvious that my dad prefers my older sister, and my mom prefers my younger brother. Both my siblings are closer to each other than either of them is to me, and paired with the fact I have a really short temper, the two of them use both of these reasons to constantly pick on me and annoy me no end. Consequently, I end up shouting at them, and then my parents tell me off for shouting at them and they won’t even hear me out. This has happened so many times.
All of that has been going on for around ten years and when I try and talk to my parents about it, they just say I’m being selfish and attention seeking. Well, I don’t know if they’re right or not. But I do know that I have some form of middle child syndrome.
Jay
Wow. I am also 13, a middle child and our siblings are very close in age 1-2 years apart actually. My older sister is, as you stated, the “high achiever” and “goody-two-shoes”. My younger sister is also considered “the baby” of the family. Any good thing I do isn’t noticed unless I point it out. When I do something bad it always taken to the extreme. That’s why most of the time I like to keep to myself in my room, and I talk to myself ALOT, simply because the only person who under stands me, is me and some one who isn’t there.
Even though I spend more time with my younger sister, I feel that my older sister and younger are closer. Whenever I get mad, (because of my short temper) or annoyed at my younger sister, and I do or say something, the older is right there defending her. Then I would get yelled at. Also, like you, they know exactly how to pick at me and push my buttons at times, and when I get angry and yell at them, I get yelled at by my parents. And I never get to explain myself, and even if I do sometimes I’m still in some kind of wrong. Or I’m simply told to shut up.
It does hurt my feelings and I feel like I want to cry sometimes. But I’m not a cryer, although I do tear up. I’m always told to just get over it, maybe not in those exact words. But their actions and words are basically saying that.
I do have a question for you: Because of your short temper, when you get angry do you feel like hitting something or someone?
Or throw tantrums when you are alone (like in your room or something) for ex: kicking, hitting, throwing, breaking things when your temper is set off?
We really relate, hopefully you reply because I would like to know your thoughts about our similarities, and answer.
Aud
I feel as though I’m in the same situation. I have 2 sisters and we are only 3 years apart. And similarly, I do feel that my older sister and younger sister are closer although I spend a lot of time with my younger sister playing and talking. I feel that my parents and sisters dislike me a little and that usually cause me to feel lonely and sad. I am very ambitious, I want to have high scores and achieve in everything I do, probably because I need attention from my parents. No one is ever there to encourage me or stand by me and I get blamed a lot where I don’t stand a chance to explain. However, I feel that it’s not a bad thing to be the middle child because you learn to be independent and you do things all by yourself. That’s better when you get to the society some day.
Farah
I’m also 13. I get how you feel, being an outcast. Every time I fight with my sister or my younger brother, I need to lose. Mostly everytime. And I also kind of have those form too.
Maeve
I am a middle child and I still get twinges of feeling inadequate and alone. Although I understand the complications of being a middle child I believe that at some point you need to grow up and stop giving other people the credit for your own misery. I think that we put ourselves in a position to be invisible compared to our siblings because we seem to be born with a disposition of self doubt. Yes this may mean that we need more attention but it seems we are the first ones to say “I’m ok” or “I don’t need your help”. So why is that? I don’t think it can be explained by parenting and lack of attention alone. To this day at work I want to do things myself. I am a chef. When I am offered help, even in situations that are very stressful, I say I can do it myself. In a way I don’t find this to be a problem. Yes when things fall apart and I can’t do it I am the hardest on myself, but when I succeed I feel a great sense of accomplishment. I think we need to come to the realization that our family does love us and do want us around. We are the ones that put the pressure on ourselves to be perfect. We are the only one who has power over our own thoughts and actions. We can’t change others. We can’t make them like us or love us the way we want to be. We expect the impossible. Love isn’t perfect and no ones family is. For us to move past feelings of being “left out” or “not being good enough” we need to extend our love beyond our own faults and the faults of others. I am now 30 and I refuse to allow my self to be a victim to the order I was born into. I hope this doesn’t sound too awful. I hope maybe all you middle kids can find the strength and love for yourself too move past what can be really painful and realize that you are loved.
Jim Rich
Your article is good BUT you somehow fail to understand how the behavior and attitudes of the oldest child sets up the middle child for problems. The oldest child, if not taught how to lovingly accept the next kid in line, can have a devastating affect on the younger one when the oldest conducts a campaign of punishment and rejection against the younger one for invading the oldest one’s life and STEALING all the love and attention. This is an unfortunate consequence of bad, negligent and inadequate parenting which most researchers blindly over look or simply ignore.
respectfully,
jim
Ashley
I definitely have middle child syndrome. I’m 19 years old, and i have 2 sisters. The oldest is 28 and my younger sister is 17. I never really thought anything was wrong with me until about 14 years old. I really began to question who i was and what i should do. all my life my younger sister had bossed me around and gotten everything she had wanted. my older sister was always independent and had everything figured out with her life. she was on her own at 17. i used to be called ‘fatty’ and ‘zitface’ because i was so awkward. it caused alot of self esteem issues and both of my sisters had made fun of me. My mother was a single mother, and wasn’t always around in my childhood because she worked all the time to support us. When i got older, i began to become more indecisive about what i wanted to do with my life. i didnt know if i wanted to go to college or even finish school. thats when i got into a bad crowd. i started using drugs and alcohol to mask my problems at home and the constant feeling of wanting to be loved. it led me to getting in trouble alot. my younger sister had gotten in trouble too. she always had to follow me around everywhere i went. she was the boss. and the only reason that was is because if she didnt get her way, it was world war 3. and its still like that to this day. she had gotten in more trouble than i had, but yet she was still very close to my mother. she had my mom wrapped around her finger. both the drugs and the way i felt about myself and my role at home were too much, and they ended up getting me kicked out of school. i was so into the drugs i ended up leaving home and living with my friends. when i was 17 years old i got a dui and ended up having to move back home. i wasnt allowed to drive or take my mothers car anywhere after that. after a couple months of treatment and counselling i still couldn’t fix the relationship with my mother. ive still had problems with drugs to this day. im currently living at home again after getting fired from my job and am currently still indecisive about going back to school and what my next job will be. my younger sister still gets treated differently to this day and gets whatever she wants. she had her license taken away a couple months ago for a dui. and she still drives the car whenever she wants to this day. and i have had my license back for 6 months and have to beg to use the car. she sits in my mothers room from the time she gets out of school til bedtime. and i sit in my own room by myself. i can honestly say from my experience as a middle child, it causes alot of psychological problems. i have social anxiety and am very very shy meeting people and getting my life on track. the only thing that is keeping me going is my boyfriend. he is a middle child too and we completely understand eachother. he knows how it feels and we help encourage eachother to do better. we try to help eachother become more independent on our own. i dont know if ill ever get over the way i am with my family, but i just try to keep my mind off of it as much as i can. me and my mother dont talk much even living in the same house. but i dont know if our relationship will ever be different. i love my mother, but weve never had a good relationship.
Hate beign in the middle
i believe i have middle child syndrome bad! growing up i dont remeber one time where my parents gave me attention. My birthdays were always getting cancled because we didnt have enough money to have my sisters birthday in feburary and then mine then my brother. I hated that, as we grew older i noticed that my sister got to do everything she wanted and my little was always the center of attention. For christmas since i was a tomboy just to get attention from dad i would ask for a pelet gun but never got one instead my brother got one. when i was being promoted from elementry to high school no one came cus my parents were to busy with my sisters graduation stuff….. these memories will for ever stay in my head and i plan to move out as sooon as i have enough money… im done trying to show my parents how different they treat me from eveyone else…my birthday is in 8 days…no one rembered my mom has plans to go to work and my brother and dad are planned to go out of town to go hunting with friends,, my sister is on a cruise…. i hate being the middle child. IT SUCKS!!!
casey
. Im 16 my sister is 19. And my brothes 12” i have a good home . We have money good size house la la la. The only problem is that i think i suffer from middle child syndrome. Me and my mom can not have a good conversation to save are lifes. It ends up with screaming and hatful words. I am very sensitive . Everyone knows that. But i feel like my mom couldn’t care less ill be crying and shell just keep going. My older sister on the other hand wins every fight with her. Its like my moms scared of her or something. My little brother gets away with EVERYTHING. I feel like im all alone in the world. I thought a mom was a person that was suppose to be there for there kids. Someone that doesn’t have favorites. Obviously i was wrong
meeeee
im a middle child and im going through this it makes me cry every night it makes me emotionally scarred
JJ
Katherine, your comment brought tears to my eyes. As a middle kid and getting on in years too, I know how difficult it is to trust and the impact it has on one’s life. At some point it’s almost preferable to be alone, especially if you have learned to live well alone and perhaps the benefit of being a middle kid is that you have learned the art of independence and self-reliance. Still, it is difficult to be chided by family, and I agree, those perceptions rarely dissipate with time. One learns that regardless what you do (achieve, suffer), they will always diminish it somehow. As difficult as this might sound, don’t give into it, accept it and realize that will likely never change. It’s hard because people need family, but you can’t let it get you down. Just don’t do anything with the expectation it will bring admiration from family, you will on be cheating yourself; do it for yourself and what you hope to gain from life and if it brings admiration from loved ones, great, but only as a sidebar.
One thing I didn’t see in the article is that middle kids often take blamed for things in the family- they are scapegoats for tensions in the family unit. It has been said that middle kids often blame others, but the fact is, they take the crap of the family. They do. They don’t look for negative attention. They don’t seek out negative attention. It is forced on them when there is no place else to put it in the family, and if the middle kid rebels, it’s because they’re between a rock and a hard spot and tasked with taking the injustice. Often siblings will manipulate and send blame their way simply to draw positive attention to themselves by way of negative attention to another: the middle kid. As one commentor mentioned, this creates resentment, and it’s clear those who study birth order have overlooked this fact and skewed it is other ways, which only adds insult to injury.
On the bright side, a middle kid develops flexibility, insight and understanding of the human condition and sensitivity to others, they function well on teams, are great contributors to teams, and are self-reliant. I would bet that many people who have contributed to society have been middle kids. I’d rather be a middle kid and have the self reliance and freedom than an older child saddled with high expectations and a younger child chasing after others’ attention.
eve_78
Parts of this article really did resonate with me, which after years of therapy still makes me sad, but paradoxically this has given me a sincere understanding of empathy and am far more independent than my siblings.
Marilyn
Being in the middle left me alone with myself a lot. I was number four of eight children, and the youngest girl. Two older girls and a boys were over me, and four younger brothers, so I was like an only child, with no one to pal around with, and had low self-esteem but was a very high achiever, did weird things like dress outrageously, and wore funny hair. Was very artistic in school, and always on the honor roll. With a strict mom, I was kind of limited, but developed into a pretty nice person.
Taylor
Yikes, man everyone lives somber lives… I am the 3rd child out of four and for the longest time I was mopey and tried to get my parents attention. Like the article said I tried my hardest to get noticed through education or sports but nothing really happened. Then one day I realized… Who gives a flying fuck? Being a middle child taught me how to be independent and look out for myself. It taught me that no matter how much I try the one person I am truly trying to please is myself and make myself feel better. You don’t need your parent’s approval the only approval you need is your own
Lorraine
Spot on!!!
Lauren
Although my siuation may be a little different from others I still definitely suffer from middle child syndrome, I am currenly 16.
My older brother is actually 10 years older than me and rather than being overly achieving he was more of the “rough run” kid. He tended to find things out his own way making any sort of mistakes along the way. He was more the goofy kid. Him being so much older though he wasnt around a lot and I was never really able to understand him much or even make ambitions to be like him.
My younger sister (14) on the other hand is individual in her own way. She is more of the popular one with many friends and she usually tends to confide in them more often than the family and go with the crowd. She is a little inconstant as well sometimes being clingy and hyper and other times being just outright cold and will not take criticism at all, and just shut you out when she gets in a mood. She does not really look up to me much more than she wants to do better than me. She is agressive and successful and her .
Me however am the middle child in purgatory. I am always uncertain as to what to do or say. I was always the easygoing shy one. My parents never urged me to excell much and just thought it was perfectly fine for me to stay on the sidelines. Now however most of that has made me a bit of a indecisive introvert. I have very little confidence in things and find myself saying very submissive things such as ‘sort of’ and ‘I guess’ all the time, with only a few but close friends. I never really jump at chances as I do not really have much passion or motivation in things.
I am usually very mild though as far as personality and am definitely the peacemaker in the family, wanting everything to be fair, stuck in the middle as more of the translator when my self righteous sister battles my parents.
B.
I’m also a middle child…i’m constantly under my older brothers (1 year apart) shadow because everyone see’s him as the “cool” guy…asking things like where’s your brother?, why isn’t he here?, how come he didn’t come? making my self worth seem very very little, and that makes me have to work harder to get accepted by other people….my parents would cook and save food for my brother when he comes back home from work, but when i get back from work not a thing to eat…(i starve myself just to see how my parents react to it) it really does feel like there’s a missing piece of your heart….
Paul
I am 60 years of age and also a middle child. I have always felt that I was treated so differently from my 2 other siblings. I never felt loved and/or wanted by my parents. Today I am somewhat introverted, find it very hard to trust in a relationship and have had many. I keep looking for that acceptance and for someone to love me the way |I never was when growing up. There are just so so many examples of how I was treated differently and always left behind. Even today I get no recognition for anything I have done in my life and my mother still dotes on my younger brother and the sun still shines over my older brothers head. I gave up long ago trying to tell my mother how I felt because it went to her telling me I was being stupid that she treated us all equal (in her mind) but that was never the case. I always felt I was the only one who felt unloved but this forum has showed me different. Thank you for letting me share my feelings.
Katherine
I am a 69 yr. old woman, and I cried when I read these comment.
I feel for you all because I have gone through this all of my life.
Being an older person, I wish that I could tell you all something
to easy your pain but I can’t because I am still trying to deal with
it. Nothing I do is good enough.Nothing my children do is good
enough. It’s like we are not here. I am proud of me and my sons, but nothing we do is good enough. I use to ask what is wrong with
me, because it really hurt, but the only answer I got is you know
how you are. No I don’t know how I am, so tell me, and to this day,
do I know how I am. The only name I have heard is “Miss Goodie
Two Shoe”, I thought this is how my parents raised us, and I don’t
remember when the rules changed, so this is how I raised my son.
No they are not perfect, I am not perfect, but whatever we do is
of interest to them. The way that you are treated by your family is
the way others see you. My ex. would say,” your MaMa don’t love
you either”, and my sons think that something is wrong with me
and they don’t know how to show me love because they have never
ever seen me loved by anyone. Yes they are good husbands and
fathers because I taught them to put their family first. I don’t
think that they know what to do with me, but well, what else is
new. Needless to say, I am a loner, I am afraid to get close to people. I just retired and I am trying very hard to adjust, after
working 38 years. Others invite me to do things, but I find it
very hard to trust. I’m thinking, will I do whatever my family
say how I am, but can’t tell me how I am, will other see that
and not like me because of this. I don’t know. Maybe I need help.
I don’t know if anyone understand what I am trying to say. But
I am not going to stop treating people the way that I want to be
treated, and maybe , just maybe someday it will catch on, and
someone will love me back.
By the way, I am the third child of five children. Brother,sister
(Miss Queen),Me and two sisters under me.
Heather
I have three children, my son being the middle one. We have luckily been blessed with a boy in the middle, I believe that helps a lot. Since he is only boy he stands out and gets plenty of attention. But recently, we are experiencing issues. Our eldest(17) is expecting(a boy) so my son is not the only boy. And our youngest has a learning disability.So they both are getting much more attention lately. With all this said does anyone have any suggestions on how to ensure my son he is still special?
Joe
Hi Heather, I am not a parent or anything like that. But, just from being a middle-child….my thoughts would be to make sure you take your son out on (mommy-son time)…like little dates. One, it will teach him how to treat women…2. it will show him that he is still extremely special for you. Try to do things he likes…and it will be rewarding for your relationship with each other. I hope this can at least get the wheels turning on some things you can do. God Bless!
zaira
I was a consistent honor student during my elementary and secondary years. I would always do everything just to gain medals every school year, but I think it was not never enough, my parents would always compare me to my two eldest sisters, every time I join contests they would always say that I wouldn’t be able to reach the national level. when the time came that i finally got the chance of reaching a prestigious national competition I never felt their support. my team mates parents were there during our departure and even during the contest but my mom and dad never did any of the two. on the other hand, my younger sister has a below average intelligence, and i often ask my mom why doesn’t she get angry with my younger sister’s performance in school, she would say that we should accept that it is what my sister can do. their college life was so planned, while I, being a middle child wanted to take up engineering or political science but was opposed by them, they told me that i couldn’t handle any of these course since I often change my decisions. that’s why from a business course that they prefer i shifted to education and i still don’t like it. when would parents understand the essence of equity among their children.
zaira
I agree at some point. I am also a middle child.
Alexa
Hi, my name is Alexa, and I am 14. I am a middle child with two brother, so I am the only girl, which I think gives me a lot of attention. But I feel like a loner. See my brother are good at school and there sport. While I am struggling at that. I feel there the “Perfect Children” well I am the out cast. I feel like I cant have good relationships with family, like my parents. My mom seems to favorite my younger brother, while my dad likes my older one. Oh and my brothers like each other while I am very awkward with them. They share a room while I get my own which could explain that. They both seem to be good with friends and family, they both have a group of friends, and our popular, while I am trying so hard to be like them. When we go to family event, I tend to just sit in the corner by myself. They are very good friends with my cousins, and all you hear are there names, when we visit my family.
When i was reading this. I noticed that I do kinda crave attention, and I seem to always need a “pat on the back” to feel good, or even need people to feel bad for me. I am very insecure. My older brother in a senior this year, while my other brother is in 5th grade, were all three years apart (my younger brothers birthday late so he had to stay back and I almost did too). My younger brother use to be called small and skinny, which always make me jealous. My younger brother is bigger for his age which is kinda good for guys, i am in the middle as average.
I always want to be in the middle, for picture, roller coasters and stuff like that. Is that normal to want that and attention? Do I have Middle Child Syndrome or am I mentally crazy?
Thank you (:
Chris
I’d like to tell you that gets better. But sadly you are going to fight this problem the rest of your life. MY older brother is handsome and a jerk so naturally everyone in my family loves him because they think its funny. My younger brother is the youngest of our generation so he still gets everything handed to him for now. I’m not the only girl, my oldest cousin is the pride and joy of the family and she is married with two kids. And me? I’m just the leftovers lol. I’m the “oh yeah that one…”
You’re not alone and you are not crazy. IT GETS BETTER because you are starting to realize you deserve better. Your going to get depressed, then your going to get angry and then one day you are going to figure out what you want and stop being afraid to go after it. My mom told me girls don’t drive trucks and can’t be mechanics or archeologists. I’m better at driving and using my hands than both of my brothers. Its powerful because I know what I can do and I won’t let my mom tell me I can’t anymore. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than zero. Don’t wake up in ten years and wonder why you were miserable and hated yourself for no reason. You are too good for that.
Cara
I’m not sure of I have Middle a child Syndrome. I’m 13 years old and I have a 14 year old brother and an 8 year old sister. My brother always hits me for no reason…I guess it’s just sibling stuff, and my sister always screams at me for ‘aggravating’ her. My Mum tends to notice what my brother does more and he ends up getting to go out for dinner after an achievement. All I get is a “Good job. Try harder and you’ll achieve amazing things.” When my sister makes a mess my brother and I end up having to clean it up while she screams at us. My mum’s excuse is that she is still little. She doesn’t have to do chores when at the age of 5 I had already started walking our dog and cleaning the house. My dad works away, so he’s never here, but I’m sure he understands me, because he always listens and never yells at me(unless I’ve actually done something wrong). I think he understands, because as a child his mother and father never helped him in life, so he was alone.
Recently, my mother yelled at me and told me that I was ‘F*cked up’ and that there was ‘Something wrong with me’. All I did was tell my brother I would never slap or hurt her ever.
I always feel the need to get heard and not per-say love the attention. I like it, it makes me feel loved and heard. My mother and father were in the RAAF(Royal Australian Air Force), but my mum left before my brother was born and my dad left when I was 5. My dad’s now am engineer and my mum writes. My brother wants to be an engineer and my sister wants to dance or be an artist. When I told my parents I wanted to be in the military they didn’t say anything about it. They just joked and said I would run everyone over in a Humvee. When they found out what my brother and sister wanted to be they encouraged them and were happy for them. They told me to choose my future seriously and not joke. I wasn’t joking.
Recently, I decided that I wouldn’t eat or use anything that involved Palm Oil. My mum laughed and said she liked to see me try. I’ve had to stop eating some of my favourite foods and I’ve been at this for a month already. She doesn’t praise me for being strong or anything…
I feel like the only people who understand me is my friend(she is a middle child as well), my dad(slightly) and my dog.
I just want to be treated the same way my brother and sister are treated.
Haley
My name is Haley and I have an older sister and a younger brother. I have middle child syndrome because of it. My older sister is loved because she was first and will be the first everything. I used to look up to her so much seeing I was a younger sister and her option meant a lot but soon her putting me down and insulting me became to much and I said screw it. I still need her option and in truth I hate myself for it. My younger brother is the baby and will be the last. He never works or does anything and I am stuck with all of their chores but still call lazy by my brother and sister and my parents. I have become a social outcast because of the shell I built around myself. I am mean because I fear if I let someone in then they will only destroy me from the inside like my family has. Since I am thirteen you can only imagine how bad it has been to do this to me. Around my friends I am outgoing but still not always out there, I am a little bit nicer but you insult my friends I will break your face but you insult me family it stings a little but they never defend me so I don’t care. Instead of talking to my family I talk to my friends. When I turn 18 I plan on leaving. Most middle children tend to be creative well my creativity is a little bit of everything. I have tons of anxiety plus migraines which doesn’t help my situation because I am the only child with them and when I get one my siblings don’t know what it’s like. I have been a problem child and when I was younger I was beat 3 times a day if not more everyday with or without reason. So I decided if I was going to be beat I was going to give them reason. I will argue with everyone and I don’t let people walk over me. In a way this has made me better but it has also broken me. My hard shell sometimes breaks leaving me to go and cry. I usually go and ride one of my horses and cry while on them. One when asked that if I had to chose who would I take a bullet for, my family or my horse. My reply was without hesitation, my horses. When asked why I simply said there is no favoritism with them and no matter how bad my day was they know how to make it better unlike my family. If I ride one maybe one day but can’t ride the others they still know I love them equally. My horses are my life and I would die a thousand times over for them even if it meant an eternity in hell. Parent doesn’t even realizes they are showing favoritism and ruining there relationship with the middle child. Sibling don’t realize but every time they complain about the middle child or get the middle child in trouble they are just making the middle child hate them more and more. At first the middle child doesn’t realize it but as they get older the notice the little things which leads to the big things and once the child says I hate you there is no going back from there and my sister and brother has already crossed that point my parents have come close by threating to sell my hoarse, my babies. So parents to to open their eyes to it because when the middle child calls them out on it and they just yell at them they are only destroying the relationship.
Bubbles
Hi. My name is Bubbles.(Yes…that is my real name) And I think I have middle child syndrome….I am 12. My brother is 8 and my sister is 17. I am a Scorpio, I’m Christian and I have brown hair and brown eyes. I really hate myself because in my eyes, I am just an outcast in the eyes of other people…..I feel like I’m not as good as them. I feel like I’m not as good as my brother or sister. I mean, The only thing I’m good for is helping people with their spelling…My IQ is 133 and I LOVE music and singing. I play the piano too 🙂 I just REALLY hate mysef because I listen to my piano teacher play, I hear famous singer sing, And I think, “Wow. Everybody is just better than me at everything arent they? Maybe they’ll be happier if I’m gone.” I do get frustrated with my brother and I do….hurt….him….somtimes…But still. I am JEALOUS of my sister and my brother. My brother dosn’t have to go through What I do…with…puberty and all that….He won’t have to go through as much as I did. And My sister has EVERYTHING anyone could wish for because she is the oldest and just SOOO perfect….I somtimes feel the only one who understands me is God, my dog, and my cat…..still….I just really hate my life. I’m not as pretty as others, I’m not as PAZAZZ, And I just…
Christy
Hi Bubbles! I love your name. People say that I have a very bubbly personality & I love it when they say that. Like you, I’m a middle child as well. I had an older brother, he passed away a 2 and a half years ago. He was 2 years older than me & our baby brother is 2 years younger than I. Being the only girl, you’d think there would be an advantage to that but in our family it really felt like it was a bad thing. I’m not going to go into that right now, I want to focus on being a middle child & my relationships with my siblings. Growing up, I felt very much as you do right now. I was very jealous of all the attention my siblings got. My older brother was quiet, smart & very pleasing. My younger brother was adorable & very sweet most of the time. I had to try extremely hard to be loveable & felt like I had to always be “on” (trying so hard that it’s fake). I competed a lot with my older brother & we fought constantly. Most of the time it was me picking fights, just to show him that he was not stronger, smarter or better. I picked on my younger brother, putting my frusteration out on him because he was small & defenseless. My jealousy & pain changed me & the heart of me. Eventually, we all learned to talk to each other, to open up & be loving to one another when we were in our late-teen years (18, 16 & 14 years old). Something I know for sure that I think you should know right now is that all the things you do, no matter how right or justified it feels at the moment, will cause you so much guilt & turmoil in the future. For me, it wasn’t because my older brother passed away, it began way before that happened. And now, my younger brother is my best friend & everytime I look at him, and I think of all those times I hit him or made him cry, it just breaks my heart. No one will ever know what you went through, what it was like to grow up in your family, like your siblings do. They will help you remember the good & help heal from the bad. Just give yourselves time to grow, get better, change. Don’t let the sadness & jealousy steal precious time from you. Just be the best version of yourself & learn patience. I know that sounds cheesy but it’s true. The only person you have to please is yourself & God’s love is unconditional so don’t worry about Him. One day you’ll look back at this time in your life & it will seem so small compared to all the big things you’ll do in the future. Keep moving forward with love in your heart.
Carol
Never feel like you are not loved or as good as your siblings. Your parents do love you every bit as much at the other two… I think that as a parent as I am,,, we sometimes forget that the second child needs as much attention as the first. It has become a comfort zone knowing what the first went through and now as a parent we are more relaxed with our second. Not that we dont love them just as much. Having the first definately seems more challenging as a parent as we are simply just parents for the first time and everything and every situation is new. Then the second child comes our way and now we feel more confident in what we are doing. I call the first child the experimental child. We learn as we go how to be a provider. The second child is given much more freedom because of the first child. If I could go back now, I understand how you feel. You want that direction and constant attention they are given. Your parents love you! They just dont know that you are feeling this way. I know your very young but please try and tell them how you feel.. Ask to speak to both of them one day when they have time and can listen to how you are feeling. Never feel that you are not important because you are and they love you the only way they know how. Give them the chance to show you. Talk to them. I understand how you are feeling.
Nancy
I am the middle sister between two sisters and a dominant mother. We are a family of high achievers starting with my mother. I have a masters degree and have had many good jobs but I’ve tended to job hop and move around a lot. I have a grown daughter and 3 wonderful granddaughters but I never married–relationships have always been difficult for me. I’ve had therapy and attended 12 step meetings for years regarding issues that began in childhood. I wish I had more to offer in terms of overcoming middle child syndrome but I don’t. At times I feel a good sense of recovery but feelings of inadequacy, alienation, and a deep sense of loneliness still plague me at times and I am no spring chicken. I believe in a power greater than myself who restores me to sanity when I need it most. This faith gets me through but the dynamics in my family still hurt. My mother and both my sisters (and their husbands) have ridiculed me at times, made me feel sick or defective in some way. It is not black and white–and I am not a victim because I fight back but I feel victimized because ultimately I am alone with these issues. There are times I get along well with everyone–usually when my own life is going well and I’ve had some healthy detachment going on. It is all about taking it one day at a time. In my better moments I feel very grateful and can even see some of the strengths I’ve gained from being in this position in the family. I am very smart, intuitive, independent, and the first one to recognize when something doesn’t feel right. I can spot BS a mile away. Life is for learning….I’m still at it:)
Sammy-kay
My husband is a middle child and I honestly believe that is why he is so self-centered. He isnot a bad person, very loyal and loving but it is all about”him”. Whenever we have any events take place he goes willingly if they are of interest to him. If not, then he either does not go or comes up with a reason as to why he can’t. He comforts himself with food, buys himself whatever he feels he “needs” regardless of budget and gets very upset when someone does not see things his way. His older sister and younger brother are completely different. Just wish I could change some of this behavior as it is now starting to effect the relationship with the grandchildren. Grandpa doesn’t ever seem to want to spend much time with them on his own and if he does he makes sure that he is “in charge”. So sad…
Lisa
I realized very young that I was born just to produce that son that was needed to carry on the family name sake that goes back many generations. I’m from Italian family deep in tradition that I’m very proud of as well. They got lucky on the third try. My older sister was also named after my grandmother. That’s all fine if I was cherished as much as them but I never felt that way. At 53 I continue to struggle with this feeling of not really here for the right reasons. After my fathers recent and sudden death and the time was here to divide certain pieces of sentimental items from my dad, I was once again shown that I wasn’t valued enough to be honored with anything. So my feeling of exclusion for not being that SO WANTED first born and that CHERISHED ONLY SON continue to haunt me and hurt me. It would of meant so much to have something from my parent and from his parents to hold and someday handed to my own children.
So I guess thats why at my age I’m searching for answers to my feeling. Was I the crazy one all these years or are my feeling validated? Although we all love eachother it did cause anger and resentment that I’m still experiencing at 53. It’s been A lifetime of the same experiences of other middle children and denial on my parents end when they were called to the carpet. Always meet with defensive anger and myself left with hurt feelings, resentment and anger toward them and my siblings. I knew they loved me but it was just something they just didn’t get or recognize or felt they had to be careful to avoid doing , in order to not make some things so obvious or as to not hurt my feelings. Oh well…now I know, I’m not nuts. I was careful to not have more than two children because of my experiences and was very careful to show a fair balance to my daughter and son as far as how much they were wanted and are loved by us.
Although my sister didn’t want me to express this latest and last issue with my mother because of her fragile state since losing my father, for my own emotional well being I simply said in a very calm and loveing tone that even though I wasnt the first or the only…I should of mattered. When she tearfully said she would give me something, I had to explain “once again” it about fairness to all of us … how it’s not about GETTING SOMETHING…it’s about being honored to of GOT SOMETHING & the damage has already been done but that I loved her regardless.
kiana
i am of course a middle child. I love my parents and my siblings. my brother is 18 and off at school i am 16 and me and my brother are very close. My sister is 12. I feel like my parents dont listen to me, they always say its a bad time to talk but if it were my brother or sister they would sit and listen. I am quite unmotivated which erritates me and I feel even more so when my brother suddenly goes and does somthing even if its as simple as cleaning his room or the house. i feel useless and unmotivated in these moments. My childhood friends may have not helped with this because they would take advatage of how nice and unobjective i was but would walk all over me.
My Parents more recently have not payed any attention to me unless its somthing bad that iv done. For example my parents dont even know where or what class im in. My sister is very pretty and boys have always liked her, I was never desierd until i was around gr 9 and my sister is just in gr 7. She is also very sporty like swimming, hockey, ski racing, soccer almost any sport that I do but i quit racing and i dont swim. But she is a very good hockey player because she has been playing forever and i cant help but be JEALOUS! idk i cant help it, being jelous of her looks and her talents. What has seperated me from my siblings which I am greatfull for is my artistic talent, I love art and have been better than my siblings for a long time but when my brother went off tho school he started doing some really cool art which should be happy about but when he puts it on his facebook soooo many people like it! My brother is liked by many people and gets along with others easily, he is popular. If I were to post somthing i would not get as much praise which bothers me idk why!!
My parents also noticed my brothers new talent and i feel like mine was not noticed as much. The ONE thing that iv always been good at is basically taken away. This site has given me more of an understanding and makes me mad at the same time. all in all my parents always seem to have time for my other siblings and watch/praise them for the sports they play. The only time im noticed is when i do sothing wrong. MCS SUCCKKKSSS
i vow to only have 2 kids and treat them equally because i NEVER want my children to feel the way i do. even though i am VERY good at conving=cing myself that c=certain things dont bother me, and i bury any feelings of jealousy, sadness, and mad.
me
Fourteen months. The age difference between myself and each of my siblings. My sister is almost Eighteen, my brother has just started high school. I wasn’t even supposed to be born, my mother miscarried several months before my conception. She can’t love me like she does the other two because she can’t help imaging who was supposed to be here. We grew up with my dad mostly, a man who had raised his own siblings and then his children. And as children, my sister struggled in school and my brother struggled with ADHD. I was intellgent and did well in my classes, and I understood that I had to continue like that, so that my siblings could be taken care of. I remember a conversation with a teacher who complimented me and asked how I did so well, and I told her it was because my brother and sister didn’t do well and my parents needed to pay more attention to them. And that was how it aleays went: they struggled, my parents helped them and I remained self-sufficient. My siblings resent me because I am so different from them. I am taller than my sister, but there was a time where we would be mistaken as some sort of ferturnal twins and she would indignantly tell whoever had asked that she was the oldest, she was in a higher grade, she was much smarter and much better than me. I am in honours and AP classes and if I try to help my brother, who has a lerning disability, with his homework, he savagely reminds me that he is not stupid and doesn’t need my help. Through all of this, I fear I have backed myself into a corner. My parents will not acknowledge me, not only through their own shortcomings, but also because I have always denied ever needing it. I cannot admit to needing anything and I cannot express a want for anything. I am emotionally unstable, socially crippled and my detachment from the world at large frightens me.
I sought this out for my own purposes, and I wrote this is selfishness.
May it validate me.
john
Me, you did not write that in selfishness. If anything you are selfless and there is a huge difference. I read a lot of myself in almost everything you wrote. From not being able to be seen, to being outcast and ignored because my siblings needed it more than I did, not wanting or needing anything from anyone. It was what I was always told, so I was pretty much self-sufficient and on my own at a very young age. I even remember dropping my grades in high school because my mother asked me if I was trying to make my sister feel bad when our report cards came in. My sister was a year ahead of me but behind me in all classes at lower levels with lower grades. It wasn’t my fault, but I was made to feel that way. I took a rough road for a few years because of those feelings you said you feel. Don’t feel like you backed yourself into a corner because you haven’t, its just something youve created in your mind. I would like to tell you to start talking to someone, by that I mean a therapist. But it’s important to find someone you really like to fill that role. If your as similar to me as I think, it may take you a while to be able to admit to and start seeing someone(took me about 15 years). I did therapy on myself(fondness of older eastern philosphy and religious works looking at myself) for many years until there was a few hurdles I was finally able to admit that I couln’t pass on my own. My heart actually hurts right now for remembering when I felt exactly as you do now. It won’t be easy but you can figure out how to make those feelings go away and start to see the truth about who you really are and then show that wonderful person to the world without any fear or feeling of guilt for it. Smile, you can start to make it better.
TellYouLater
I’m a middle child too it really sucks. I am 12 years old with an older brother of 15 and a younger brother of 9. My younger brother definitely gets spoilt with everything. My mom will give him anything he wants even if its ridiculous. My older brother gets a lot more freedom than me and gets bought everything. I may get treated sometimes but not as often as my brothers. I beleive my mom favourites my younger brother – he looks like her and is the youngest. He is treated like a baby even though he’s 10 this year. My parents are seperated which I don’t find a problem when I go to my dads house with my younger brother (my older brother is a half) I am the oldest. I have my younger brother (lives with me) a younger sister she’s 7 and a baby brother he’s 2. My dad also has a girlfriend and she’s alright. At my dads I get full responsibility which can become quite annoying. I am quite spoilt by my dad but he is awfully strict. I have self harmed before because I felt like nobody understood me and I was useless and ugly. I have also had eating problems in the past. Now Im back to normal although my family doesn’t know about my self harming. I admit I enjoy being with friends rather than my immediate family. Teachers and my parents say I hang around with the wrong crowds. My friend is 13 and isn’t a virgin; my other friend smokes weed in a council flat and we hang around with boys who are just thirsty. I am doing good In school. I think I hang around with these friends to get attention to be ‘popular’ but at the end of the day they have always been there for me and to be honest I couldn’t say the same for my parents.
Valarie
Just find you and I know that sounds easier than it really is. But do you love you? Self love is very important and at you age it’s hard to understand, but I’ve been there I know that it’s hard, but you have the ability to become a unique person. Most middle children that I’ve met in my life are creative & caring people. You have an insight and intuition that is a gift and you must find your passion and develop the you that you feel inside and become the best that you can be. … Hang in there “this to shall pass” it does get better believe and God will show you who you can become …. Just believe !!!
God Bless!!!
Nicole
Reading this has helped me to understand a lot more of why I feel the way I do. I am a middle child myself, have always felt invisible and relate to many of the characteristics described here. I am going to be turning 30 this year, have never been married or had children. I have also moved several times throughout my life, both as a child and an adult, and I never really felt like I had a real home. I’ve always wanted to get married and have a family and a home of my own, but it hasn’t happened yet.
Heidi
yeah, I got married but to an oldest sibling. I never realized I was hiding behind his shadow like I previously did until I read this. Man! I want what’s best for me, but is seems like no ONE else cares except the people I pay (counselors) and God. Unlike my other siblings, the goals I have don’t get pursued to completion because of low self-esteem. I guess I have years to look forward to being in his shadow. 🙁
Valarie
Just find you and I know that sounds easier than it really is. But do you love you? Self love is very important and at you age it’s hard to understand, but I’ve been there I know that it’s hard, but you have the ability to become a unique person. Most middle children that I’ve met in my life are creative & caring people. You have an insight and intuition that is a gift and you must find your passion and develop the you that you feel inside and become the best that you can be. … Hang in there “this to shall pass” it does get better believe and God will show you who you can become …. Just believe !!!
God Bless!!!
Char
Heidi,
As you and I are the same age, I was wondering how your relation ship is with your parents now and how do they treat you now. I am 30 and my mother still treats me like a child. Would even come to my home and try to tell me how to raise my kids, how to spend my money, asking how much is my bills and when I made my last payment on them.
I am really stuck. I’m stuck to where I don’t know how to began telling her it’s no of her concern and to back off a little without her flipping over it.
I can’t get a sensible alone time with my husband and kids because she spends most of her time in and out…. she’s here after dinner for a couple of hours then again after supper…. If I move outside my community she is having a shit fit because I didn’t let her know……. Sorry, I am having a really hard time so I was just wondering if there is anyone that maybe walking in the same shoes as I am…. I guess I’m to soft hearted and don’t like to hurt anyone so I have been putting up with it…
Joe Normal
Discovered this MCS about a month ago, didn’t really bother me as such until I noticed that the characteristics were uncanny.
I am the middle of an older sister who can do no wrong, even though she’s a bit of a fuck up and a younger sister who is still spoilt.
Anyway I worked out at an early age, probably 14 that my parents were not worth relying on, either to go for advice or to go for any support.
I also took a vow that I would NEVER go to them for anything because if I ever asked for anything it was seen as something I needed to earn, similar to even if I was offered a sweet, it always came with strings attached.
As it is, I noticed that now that they are both getting on in years (and my siblings don’t bother with them much) that they are more welcoming (to a degree) of my visits. But as with my life in general and, this may be a classic MCS trait, I have a ‘take it or leave it’ attitude to whether I’m bothered or not!
Heidi
Joe Normal,
I have felt your feelings. I am such a doormat when I’m at home because I can’t even have a voice like others. At Christmas I am the main theme of destruction. I don’t even go anymore. I learned to break some relationships and never go back unless they recall those times I’ve submitted to them as painful and apologized. Only happened with one sis who is a Christian.
Anonymous
I am also a middle child and think I’m facing Middle Child Syndrome, but my problems mainly lie with music. My older sister, younger brother, and I all play piano. My dad always liked to listen to everyone play. Everyone, but me. He’d always comment on how lovely my sister would play her music, or sing, because she did that too. He also took pride in my brother, who although was never the best player, my dad always related his loud playing to fencing, a sport that both my dad and brother share. Me, whenever I played, he would just say I don’t play with enough soul. The only time he didn’t say that was when I’d play a song that he personally liked. He would nod, then ask me to give the sheet music to my sister for her to play.
I started teaching myself guitar, hoping that he’d notice me for another talent instead. There wasn’t much of a change. Eventually it got to the point where I’d avoid playing piano or guitar in front of him. About a week ago, I confronted him and explained my feelings about it. He just said “Fine, don’t play near me. I never really your playing as much.” That night I tried to break my fingers, but I couldn’t because as much as I hated not being noticed, I still loved music. So I just sat in bed and cried.
Please understand my dad was and still is a very loving person. He shows love for my siblings and I equally, but when it comes to music I’m suddenly forgotten.
sosan
iam also a middle child:p yes parents do ignore middle child…but when middle child gets upset over his/her faliure they call him pscyco…:( for god sake if some one is upst ,it doesnt mean he/she is in depression ..its natural to get upset ….parents shuld not consider their middle child as a pscycotic case..thy shuld understand him/her as thy understand and appreciate their older and younger ones..:(
Sophie
I’m in the middle of an older brother (17) and a younger sister (12) and I’m 15 and I’ve only just began feeling recently that I suffer from MCS.
I’ve never tried talking about it because I know my mum would think I was insane, my dad too, but they wouldn’t understand anyway because they were the oldest and youngest in their families, so have a much closer relationship with my older and younger siblings. My sister can be a cow, she’s an over-achiever at school, takes care of everyone and takes great pleasure if teasing me, and making sure she gets what she wants. My brother, is a slob who does even less than I do, but then I’m seen as the kid who doesn’t do anything. My dad favours my sister, they often do things together, and recently he’s done nothing but tease me, we haven’t had a meaningful conversation in a long time. My mum probably favours my brother too. I like to write stories, and long to become an author, I’ve written a lot of things, but can not get my family to read any of it, because they just forget. My dad is more prone to forgetting me than mum, he teases me, laughs at me and often takes my sisters side in everything. So, I spend the majority of my time in my room, away from the horrible family atmosphere in my living room. Thank you for reading this ramble xoxo
Heidi
I feel so bad for everyone on here. …I would like to be an author too, a dentist, anything where I was recognized. But I especially want to work in a loving, forgiving, emotionally supportive, personally rewarding atmosphere perhaps a Christian publishing company. Maybe someday my siblings will see me as a human being, a loving and lovable person who has feelings, dreams, and a right to express them and need to know them as an adult still instead of leaving me out of their personal life as if I will just mess it up.
vic
So here’s the thing guys; I’m not sure you get the point of the information that is being shared. This a learning moment. Middle Child Syndrome is real, but it’s not curable unless you choose to overcome.
Unfortunately, I’m just discovering the cause and the cure at the age of 55. As a youth, perhaps, you have 3 choices; 1. Find a way to let the parent know the issue so they will “want” to change their behavior. No one will change if they do not want to. Perhaps this includes serious discussion with the parent or entire family. Or, a more likeley way to address this would be through intervention of a 3rd party like a school counselor 2. Seek counseling or develop an educational base where you understand why you do what you do and are able to change your own behavior without outside influences (like warm fuzzies from others). Ultimately, this problem is no one elses, it is our own. We may not be the cause, but we may be the cure. !!!!!!!! 3. We may continue to resent the treatment we received by our family and continue to jeopardise our future by our own behavior. We may point fingers and complain. Ultimately this only makes matters worse. The entire family will alienate you. (Trust me, I know what I’m talking about!!)
If I would have known at the age of 16 or 20 what I know now, I would have read as much as I could about the problem and devise a way to overcome. Read books, talk to counselors, if you cannot find one you can afford, often churches have excellent counselors.
We may not get help from others, but we may learn to support ourselves.
L Byrd
Like you I wish I had known more about this as a teen or young adult. I am 56 and was the third of 4 kids. I had 2 sisters that were 6-7 years older. I had no problems with them. It was more of the issues with my parents spending time, love and money on my little brother who was 2 years younger, I was a quiet kid and Rick was hyper. He got into trouble a lot, but the always were more concerned about everything that went on with him.
One Christmas when I was 12 and my brother 10, after all the presents were unwrapped and we were getting ready for breakfast, Dad went out the back door and brought in a $375 Mini-bike for Rick. Mom and Dad and Rick were hugging and jumping for joy. There was nothing for me. I was never allowed to ride the bike and Dad even took Rick out to one of his favorite hunting spots to ride it a few times. All of my presents did not add up to half of that bike. And Rich had as many presents as me under the tree.
I started recalling much of this when a friend who was a therapist just drew me out into conversation one day. I never thought much about it, but it always hurt. I have since written 8 and a half pages so far of similar incidents.
nothing
I am a middle child and I feel that my parents dont hate me but just dont notice me and my older and younger brother get whatever they want and when i ask my parents for somthing or try to tell them somthing they dont listen they just say yeh or maybe and i always that means no or i dont care.
Frazer
Predictably enough I am a middle child. I have decided to research how ones position in ther family can affect their behaviour and life, and found this website and thought I would share a little too.
I was the ‘black sheep’ of the family and was very ‘badly’ behaved as a child, that I understand now as a way to get the attention that I thought I was being deprived of.
I left home at 18 and thought that this would be the end of all my problems, but then spent many years arguing with people, losing jobs, alienating myself in lots of different ways in lots of different groups (psuedo families) and feeling hard done by…
Ultimately I realized I had to do something about it and got a psychology degree and then ultimately became a psychotherapist. In my work I often see how a persons position in the family affects their lives, most recently with a middle child who had a chronic drug addiction and complained that he has been overlooked all his life and wants to die.
I am going to buy as many books on the subject as I can, so if anyone has any recommendations that would be appreciated…
matt
After reading some of these I have to say i agree with the stereotype. Middle kids are weird, needy and jealous. The person ranting about braces, oh my God, what an ungrateful little shit. Braces are expensive.
dc
My mom worked hard to get braces for my oldest sister and my two little sisters. She overlooked me somehow. They were expensive, true. But are you really going to say that spending money on one more child is too much and say “hey, you just aren’t worth it.” If you have children, learn that they are valuable and its not their fault that you chose to bring them into a world that they may need some support in.
Insaf
I am a middle child of 3. My mother, whom I love more than anyone else in the world, is a middle child of 13. She is the seventh.