Why do I even try

Hi, I’m Nikki, I am a 14 year old girl, my big brother is 18 and my little sister is 10,, they always look out for each other but just leave me hanging, I got in a fight a school last year my brother was actually helping the other girl it made me feel like shit the rest of the day and I didn’t even go to school the next day.

My sister gets everything she wants, I wanted a bird and I waited six months for that bird and when we went to the pet store to get it she was looking at the mice and asked daddy if she could get one he said if you clean your room tomorrow we could come back and get it, and she is the laziest person ever! I had a dog for eight months and I loved her so much I wanted another one, my friends dog had puppies so I picked one out at 3 days old, I worked so hard for that dog I cried every night and asked myself if its worth it. My sister didn’t do shit during this time, we went to go get her(her name is Luna) and a few minutes later she came to me holding one of the puppies saying “Nikki, I get this one” I almost cried. I had to take care of her damn dog because she was at school and I am home schooled, I just did what I was told I was taking care of my two dogs, my sisters dog and my parents two Rottweiler’s, I couldn’t even take it for two weeks so I asked to get rid my sisters dog and my mom said if we get rid of her dog we get rid of Luna, I was desperate so I had to get rid of one of my babies, I cried for two days.

I try to be with my pets more than my family and they don’t seem to care, but when they leave to take my sister to volleyball practice I stay home and cry. My brother got everything he wanted too I asked for some money for eight dollar shoes from my mom and se said no, and I see my brother with ten bucks walking down the hallway, I asked him where he got it and what he was doing with it, he says I’m going to a party mom gave it to me.

I feel lonely inside, I have this feeling I need o be famous to be seen or heard, because I get good grades in school sometimes I even get awards, but every time my brother get an A, oh my God he’s a genius, same with my sister and they show relatives and all I get is a “good job”. I do good in school I get mostly A’s and B’s but I get C’s in math because I am horrible at it, and I get shit from my brother saying how stupid I am or how ugly and fat I am I am tired of this!

– Nikki

Stuck in the Middle by Rue

“Oh, oh; Say, that I’m never really wanted but you never know it from the look on my face. And I spend my time at the bottom of the barrel, oh; it’s never easy if you never shoot straight. I’m a junkyard, cowboy, old news, lost cause. I tried my best but it just wasn’t the same.”

These are the lyrics of my favorite song. Catchy? Yes. Sounds pretty cool? Yes. Cryptic? Of course. No one will ever know how deep this song goes and how much it touches me. No one will ever know how many times I told myself that I’ll no longer be just paint on the wall.

Hi. My name is Rue. I grew up in a family of five; a mom, a dad, and two sisters – me being the middle child of course.

I always got along with my older sister. I won’t say her real name, so I’ll give her a pseudonym. Let’s call her Ivy – because she likes that name. Okay – let’s get back to the topic. I like my sister. She always listens to me, she never takes sides, and she gives awesome advice. I’ve always counted on her because she – unlike my other family members – always made some time for me. Whatever problem I had, she always told me that I got her back. Now, thing is, at school, I am living under her shadow. Not only was she a top student (gold medalist, first honors) but extremely talented at almost EV-ERY-THING. She could sing, she could dance, she could play the guitar, she could draw, she could write – you name it. It wasn’t long when I was labeled ‘Ivy’s sister’. They often sought for talent in me (mostly singing) because I was Ivy’s little sister. My chemistry teacher even wanted me to sing in class! Sadly, I’m tone-deaf, so apologies to my classmates whom I have destroyed their ears. Of course, who wouldn’t get annoyed if you were being compared to some whose talents exceed yours and that they are directly related to you? Up until now, I still look at her shining in her spotlight up in the pedestal, waving at her audience.

Before my little sister was born, my parents gave Ivy and I equal attention.  We had the same number of gifts for Christmas, same amount of allowance – everything was definitely equal, until my parents decided to get another kid. Let’s name her Louise or ‘Lou’. So, Lou was obviously prettier than me, fairer, whiter skin; big, innocent eyes; and long silky hair. I got jealous, of course – given that, not only was the equilibrium disturbed at home, but in the extended family as well. Oh, yes, my aunts and uncles, god-fathers, god-mothers, grandma’s and grandpa’s – EVERYONE – favored her. Not only was she absolutely beautiful, but nice as well. How everybody adored the little girl who bat her eyes at anyone who sees her. And I wasn’t surprised when Lou had developed a powerful voice. Jealousy changes everything. I always gave her dirty looks, called her stupid and pathetic and whatnot, but deep down I always loved her. But I never showed it. Soon, I found out that Louise was dyslexic. Just because Lou was pretty, didn’t mean I had attention for myself. But when my parents told everyone about Lou’s dyslexia, all that attention somehow vanished and magically appeared towards Lou. And I hate her for it.

My parents were successful people. Both my parents were doctors, thus I lived a very comfortable life. I have an iPod, and Samsung Galaxy for my cell phone. My family owns three laptops, a PC and our house is WiFi. I wore branded clothes and shoes. I had a Casio electric piano, and three guitars (two of which are mine) sitting in the corner of my room. I studied in one of the most prestigious schools in my city, and lived in a private neighborhood. But since both my parents were busy, I never got to spend much time with them. And when they do have time, they spend it on giving Ivy some advice from when she graduates to college or on teaching Lou so she could learn how to read easily. I was always so quiet at home, and I often isolated myself in my room; thus, I was dubbed as ‘the easy one’. So, they gained little trust from me since no time was given for me.

At school, I am – not the paint on the wall – but the tiles on the floor. I had a group of friends. There are four of us – Andrea, Lee and Desiree. Lee was probably the one I could count on. Andrea was stubborn, and we’ll always fight – but we find our way back into friendship. Desiree was the girl genius, really quirky, but awesome nonetheless.

It wasn’t long when I went into high school and that Desiree got into one of the smartest boarding schools. So I was left with Andrea and Lee. It was weird having only one giant lunch table to only three people. Pray tell, it was hard for Lee with Andrea and I fighting over stupid things. Soon, I realized that I belonged in the group of oddballs. I was unaware of having MCS, but my parents, Ivy and my friends knew. The psychiatrist said not to let me know, because it will get worse. I found out anyway, and I felt detached. I was lonelier than ever.

The popular group soon found it entertaining to walk all over us, pick us up and then walk on us again. I didn’t care really, but that just made it worse. A guy whom I’ve had a crush on since 3rd grade became a good friend and nothing more. I soon learned that he liked one of the snotty girls, and he began to ignore me. Not only was I practically invisible – at home and at school – but battered with use. I didn’t like showing how miserable I was, so I bottled it up all the same with my feelings for Ivy and Lou.

In my second year of high school, Andrea left the country and went to USA (I am not American, but it seems like it, huh?). It was even more awkward to have two people sitting at one giant lunch table than having only four sitting on it. We were getting along fine without Andrea and Desiree, but then, someone up there definitely hated me. A vein in Andrea’s brain somehow ruptured, and Lee, Desiree and I soon found out that Andrea was born with Brain Aneurysm. She was rushed to the hospital. Luckily, she was in the US. But she was miles away from us.

I got so upset that when my parents came to collect me for lunch I just snapped. Just like that. I remember yelling at them to leave me alone because I was already so used to being by myself. Then they started talking about things I really didn’t care about. Saying that they understood what it was like but I know they’re wrong. They don’t know anything. I remember kicking my dad’s shoulder because he tried to carry me out of my room. My mom yelled at me, and stormed out. But my dad decided to stay and lecture me even more. I hated it. He left eventually and I decided to write a rant on a notepad (since, over the years, I developed a talent in writing). I wrote about knowing that I had MCS. I wrote about how much I hate my sisters for being so perfect or for being so needy and difficult. I wrote about how much I alienated myself because I felt comfortable alone. I wrote about my snobby classmates, and that the guy I liked (and still do) preferred one of the snobby girls. I wrote about how much I hated my parents for not sticking up for me when I needed them most and for trying to pry down the walls I set up between us. I practically wrote down how much I did not trust them, and that only a few deserved it.

I was feeling a little better when I finished, so I folded it neatly and eased it in my pocket. I went for a nap, but when I woke up, the note was gone. I shrugged it off and said that it probably just slipped and when somebody would pick it up they’d throw it away. Later that night, my mom came into my room and had a little chat with me. Apparently my dad came into my room to check up on me and nicked the note out of my pocket. She said that I was not the only daughter in the house and that she had other problems. Lou was dyslexic and Ivy was away in college so my parents needed to adjust without her around. She said that she loves me but I did not believe her. I didn’t listen to her. I still did not trust her.

Up until now, still fourteen and still immature, I cannot bring my brain to register all my parents had said to me. None of it made sense, since they never had a friend who had a brain injury. And after all these years, I was able to classify the difference between people saying they understood with a person who really knows what it feels like. So I categorized my parents in the people who say they understood. I began dropping one name after another in my little box of ‘people who say they understand’ and soon I had a pile of names. Only four made their way into the ‘people who knows what it feels like’ box and I’m guessing you already know that. I never ask for much. I just wanted people to give me more time. Because it all seems that, after all this time, people would just give me half their time for something stupid than with someone who has feelings. Obviously, no one cares, but I am a person too.

I still have a lot to learn. My mind may even change. This is all in the view of the fourteen-year-old me. Let’s get back to the song, shall we?

“Oh, I’m letting it go. I know that I’m caught right in the middle of; I’m in between it all. Oh, I’m done with this half way love that I’m here right in the middle of. And all I’m asking is to give me more; more than this heartbeat I’m stuck in the middle of.”

– Rue

Middle Girl

I am 15 years old, middle child of 5. I have all types of siblings, an older and a younger sister, and an older and a younger brother. I don’t actually know what I am in my family.

Sometimes I’m loud, sometimes I’m not. My mom would tell me sometimes to stop speaking loud out of nowhere cause it surprises her and I think, I was just talking….haha. Growing up, I was the youngest. I was closer to my brother than to my sister. And then my younger sister was born and she got all the attention. And then my younger brother was born and he got the attention too. All my siblings had most of my parents’ attention since my older sister and older brother were the first, and my younger sister and younger brother are the last.

I found myself suddenly being mean to my little sister all the time when I was 12 until now but she’s the one I’m closest to now though she’s only 11… And I was never close to my older sister which is weird when we’re stuck together alone. My little brother’s just there and my older brother’s second to whom I’m closest with. I’m the one who he asks help from all the time.

As a child, I was very independent. My parents would be surprised how I suddenly know how to do this and that. And they’d be proud. They told me once that whoever I marry will be a lucky guy. They said it’s because I’m so responsible, organized and clean, independent, reliable, kind, caring, thoughtful and all that. I’m more mature than my older siblings, and most good looking out of us girls. Sometimes i would say to myself that I should’ve been the eldest. But that would be a difficult job.

Anyway, lately I’ve been depressed. My mom quit her job to take care of my lazy and dependent younger siblings. And because of that, we are very strict about spending. Actually we always were. But I noticed that I would always get the least out of all my siblings. On my 7th grade graduation, I didn’t get a gift from my parents because my mom said that my grad shoes, and the after-party things I bought with her were already my presents from them. I wondered how that could be a gift when actually we bought that cause I needed it. I expected to be surprised by them like how they gave my older brother a nice phone when he graduated and my sister too.

Throughout my whole life, I was always jealous of my siblings, especially my younger sister. She took my place and that’s a lot to take in. That’s why sometimes I find myself being mean to her by giving her mean looks, threatening her, and etc… My little sister surpassed me in getting a better phone than I do. My sister has an iPhone, my brother a blackberry, I have a low-tech Nokia phone (the one with the flashlight), my little sis a Samsung Galaxy y, and my little bro a Nokia touch phone. I wonder how my dad can see me with a phone like that knowing I am his daughter, and he’s a doctor.

It’s hard for me to say how I feel to my parents. But I find it easy to say to my closest friends. My mom called me coy once because she heard that I was very very loud in school and I had a lot of friends, but at home I would be less loud and staying in my room.

It was always unfair… And I know it would always be. I don’t even know how I came to this website and why I just wrote this here. I just want to be heard. It’s really unfair being a middle child and whenever I encounter stuff about this it makes me choke up. I wish I was the youngest. I wish my parents didn’t have children after me. I was already the youngest and they made me a middle child. That really hurt.

If I was the youngest I would’ve been the favorite and they would get me things and we wouldn’t have to be worried about money and it wouldn’t be hard talking to them and I wouldn’t be on this blog writing this and tearing up. I deserve to be the youngest after all I’ve been through and I’m still young at 15. UGH. I told myself before that I would never ever have a middle child. I would not risk my child in the future feeling the same way as I do. I hate this.

Scarred for Life

Hi, my name is Sandra but I go by my middle name Desiree I’m 22 yrs old. My brother is 3 years older than me. I have a younger sister who is 18.

Growing up my brother and I had a horrible childhood. My dad always drank and hit us. He beat up my mom and called her a bitch. He would call me a whore and I was only 12 years old. Meanwhile my sister would witness everything. He never told her anything because she was his spitting image. He loved her and in my entire life I only saw him hit her twice.

At 15, I had my first boyfriend and saw him at school in secret. Somehow, my mom and dad found out and they would call me a bitch. Slut whore a fucking disgrace. My dad disowned me at this age because I had a boyfriend. To this day we don’t talk. Well, years later my brother dropped out of high school. I graduated high school, have a technical certificate. I still want to go to college and be something to be very proud of. I’m the first in my family to do all this.

Meanwhile my mom was kicking me out and telling me to get the fuck out of her house. She would tell me that I aint doing shit with my life. So I left. I now live on my own and pay my own bills.

For these past 2 years I have been depressed and spend the entire day in my room. I could spend all day in bed. This depression, low self esteem, and anger have me feeling crazy. I’m only 22 but I’m emotionally drained and sometimes have no reason to live. I am jobless and all my family says is that I’m lazy.

Oh, by the way my 18 year old sister has brought men to the house. Slept with them there and my mom doesn’t say a thing. I told her that why doesn’t she stop my sisters behavior. She laughs and says “oh its cuz she’s strong willed and a badass”. My brother has also had women over and nobody tells him a thing. They just smile and are proud that he brings so many women to the house. I’m the only person in the family to have such achievements and they aren’t recognized it’s sad. I’m the middle child and have always been treated bad. My brother is the rebellious one and my little sister is spoiled rotten.

I’ve asked my mom why they treated me bad and she says I’m lying. She’s said that I’m just hysterical and that everything I remember is a lie.

So for these past 4 day i have decided to not talk to my family. They are toxic. They hurt me so much and all I ever wanted was love and a stable family. I think it’s time I disown them.

Desiree

The Other One

I am a middle daughter.  My older sister is very strong, sarcastic, outgoing and funny (to others, I am often the butt of her jokes).  My younger sister was the smart and athletic one who needed a lot of attention because she was difficult.  I was always just ‘easy’ as my mom likes to say, but this also meant that I got little attention.  Both of my sisters were athletes, I was not.  When sports didn’t work out for me it was like my parents didn’t know what else to do.  I think I could have been an amazing dancer but that wasn’t the kind of thing my parents would think of getting me into.  Since I was so ‘easy’, they didn’t really find a need to help me find my niche. Growing up I found it very hard to express who I was since my older sister was always right there to make fun of me.  Eventually I just started inhibiting myself.  While I was always able to make friends because I was pretty (sad but true) inside I never felt like I belonged.  On the outside I was well-adjusted but the internal struggle has continued to grow for years.

I’m now almost 30 and have gone through years of depression, isolation and sadness and no one knows it (no one).  I moved away from home after college to get away from that ‘me’ and hopefully build a new life based on who I wanted to be.  While this somewhat helped for a while, I realized that the personality traits that I so hate about myself continue to sneak in and affect my work, friendships and relationships.  What’s even more frustrating is that I feel I have so much to offer the world if I could just rid me of my self-consciousness.  On top of all of that, I will admit that I am very attractive, but to be honest it’s almost like it makes me hate myself more.  I feel like a huge let-down.  You see an attractive person and think they’ll have confidence; I’m just quiet and lay low, forgettable.  I’m so worried about what people will think of me that I often just fade into the background, never wanting to be the center of attention but at the same time wishing I was confident enough to be just that.  I feel like life is passing me by and I’m desperately trying to figure out how to not waste another day like this.

The biggest problem is that I don’t even know who “me” is.  I guess that’s the definition of an identity crisis.  My family constantly reinforces these thoughts of myself to this day, which is why I try to stay away.  My sisters both have nicknames for each other and refer to me as “the other one.”  I’m the weird one, the odd ball, the one that no one really knows.  Just when I think I’m making progress and feeling better about myself my sisters manage to knock me back and don’t even think twice about the comments they make or understand their profound effect on me.  I’m so tired of living this way and live in constant jealousy of the ease with which those around me live their lives.  Even in times of difficulty they know who they are.  I live with this every day, good or bad.  Sometimes I wish I could hit a restart button to my life.  I just don’t know how to fix it…..

Lauren