Middle Child Syndrome
What is a Middle Child?
A middle child is someone who is born in between two or more siblings. Being born in the middle, as you’ll soon find out is not that simple. The middle child, unlike the eldest or youngest child, does not get much attention. Middle children are also usually considered outcasts in their families and often develop a condition called Middle Child Syndrome.
What is Middle Child Syndrome?
Middle child syndrome is a condition in which children born in the middle experience feelings of emptiness, inadequacy and jealousy. It is also characterized by low self-esteem and extreme introversion, sometimes even leading to psychotic behavior.
The middle child, unlike the eldest child and the youngest child, is not given much attention. They have to go the extra mile just to get some of it. Middle children tend to be achievers because they need awards to be recognized by their parents. Sadly, this also goes the other way around, they can be very troublesome and determined to get noticed even if it means getting scolded at or punished.
Because they lack emotional support and guidance from their parents, they will always have a sense of low self-esteem. These feelings of emptiness and loneliness make them not very friendly and maybe even weird to other people. Most likely, these negative feelings will also stop them from pursuing what they want.
Other observable traits of middle children are insecurity and jealousy. Being raised in an environment where they have to compete for attention, it’s natural for them to have feelings of insecurity and jealousy of others. Seeing others easily get attention while they continue to strive for attention, these feelings of resentment towards others will continue to build up. All these repressed feelings of being unloved, unwanted or even hated can trigger an extreme case of middle child syndrome where they show psychotic behavior.
Possible Causes of Middle Child Syndrome
After discussing the common traits of people with middle child syndrome, we can find two main causes, identity crisis and lack of emotional support.
Identity crisis is very common to us all, and it’s something that we all experience at some point in our lives. Wanting to be different from everyone else is very normal and there’s not much we can do about it. The other cause is lack of support. Because the eldest and youngest are the common favorites, the middle child is not given any support or attention. This unloved feeling makes them less confident and envious of others, often leading to even more problems such as drug abuse.
Is there a Solution?
Some say that middle children should be given the love and attention that they should have had when they were young, but I believe this will only make them more dependent on their parent’s approval.
There are also cases where middle children tend to separate from their family at a relatively early age to have families of their own. While having a new family means getting another chance, I do not think this is the best solution because escaping the past will not really resolve any childhood issues and these issues may haunt them for the rest of their lives.
The main cause of middle child syndrome is lack of emotional support, which is the responsibility of the parents. So logically, I would have to say that good and responsible parenting is the real and outright solution for middle child syndrome. While this may sound more like prevention rather than treatment, I think that it’s never too late for good and responsible parenting.
But this is just my opinion, what do you think? Comments are very much appreciated.
P.S. I’m a middle child in case you’re wondering. 
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I know exactly what this is all about. I am the middle child, with a year and a half older brother and a 7 year younger sister. When my sister was born,she was very sickly, the first year more in hospital than out and once nearly dead too when she was a few months. That made her even more the “baby of the family”. My brother on the other hand,is something different.Not at all the leader and stuff.No, he left the house 8 years ago because he was not allowed to smoke pod in the house and because he made debts he was not paying back…he left the house and also left the debt (mind you €40.000) with my parents. It always fell to me to help in the household, help pay the bills, food, rent, gas, etc. But after all those years (I am turning 27 in July) I have always felt I was more their bank than their daughter. Because I have always had to help pay for life, I am still living at home (never having the opportunity to save money and move out). I also never get to do the things I want, and I not always follow through with what I want, because I never get any support. Whenever I want to do something, my parents never say “oh wow, yeah that is just your thing! Tell us about it” no I get the “why would you want to do that?” or just a “oh that’s nice”. That has made me loose my will to pursue my dreams and that is not what I want. I will soon finally be able to move out so hopefully I will get back to pursuing my dreams.
My sister is the “perfect” child in their eyes, because I am not thin or pretty (yes I have very low self-esteem but I also mean pretty in the “common” way) and I have no boyfriend (nor the desire to) Even the household always falls to me. I work 8 hours a day cleaning at people’s houses, and then I come back here and I have to clean other people’s mess again, while my sister is going away to her boyfriend. Or when he is here, they are just always upstairs and out of sight. My sister and I can sit on the couch together, if something needs to be done it’s always my name that comes up. Never hers. Another example: my sister was downstairs with the rest of the family and her boyfriend, and I was upstairs. I was being called down to feed the dogs…while everyone else was just sitting about downstairs already. Those are the daily things in my life. The only good thing is, is that I am so much more independent than my sister and well, my brother sort of doesn’t exist anymore (haven’t seen him since he left the house) My sister never cleans up after herself, and right now, after all those years, things are getting out of control for me, my fuse is every so short and so is my temper. I count myself lucky that I have a strong will and mind, I think many would have gone nuts. I keep it to myself. I am indeed a loner, I like being alone in my room watching TV. When I am around people for long, then after a while it becomes too much and I go upstairs.
But you know what is worst of all: that my parents just don’t want to admit it. Every time I get into one of my moods again because something happened that day that send me over the edge there is “the conversation” and even more worse (yes still possible) and the thing that pisses me off the most is when I do have one of those moods they go “is there something wrong?” Fucking hell, I am sorry, but what kind of parent are you if you can’t even see something is seriously wrong with your child (ever or at that particular moment)! They only ask that because I am being curt in answering and don’t talk at all. I have told them 1000′s of times what they need to do to change but nope…and then they say kids don’t listen.
Wow, I could go on and on here, but I won’t. And also know that I am not just complaining, it’s just an opportunity to vent and let it out. But if you think the story sounds bad, multiply that and you get the real idea.
Natalie ………get out of that house……..you are 27 years old. Find a way……..there is a way.
Realize your parents are never going to change……….just think when you are not there to clean up after them……..what a mess the house is going to be in…..HA..
Disappear from your family’s life…….and you will be better off for it.
Work on some type of education to secure a better paying job …. however it seems you always have had money to help them out.
Seek out a church to help you……….
Please for your own preservation.
I’m 44 yrs old, the #2 sibling of 4. My parents were always loving, supportive, and dedicated. A recent identity crisis of birth order was brought on by the loss of my mom. I’m not the first born, the only boy, or the baby girl. I have never had self doubt before. Now I realize that I’ve always tried too hard and have always been an over achiever. While our family remains close and supportive, I see my siblings from a different perspective. I have been, and will continue to be, the most supportive child to my parents (again, the try too hard bit). If my parents and other siblings have been happy with rare and extravigant visits, who am I to judge. I have a great career, a blessed family of my own, and a life of peace that comes with faith. So why am I crying on the inside like a self-pitty-freak?
Fuck You! I have been struggling for years about what the hell was wrong with me, why I felt I didn’t deserve attention, why I felt I needed to do well in school, why I’m so fucking introverted and you just go and spell it out as if it is something everyone already knows. Gaaaahhh!
As a middle child, I understood that my older brother (handicapped) and my baby brother would get more attention. Somehow, this never bothered me. And miraculously, I’ve never been hospitalized for being an emotional wreck. I’m sorry to hear that middle children are traumatized adults because of their birth order. However, I think that self esteem can certainly be gained from within. It saddens me that everytime someone has issues, there is a label that is slapped onto it. Middle child syndrome. I think you will find similar feelings of kids by polling a classroom- who feels they are not the teacher’s favorite? Who feels they are ignored by their coach? Come on folks! Personalities play a huge part in this. There’s a lot to be said for middle children. They are high achievers. Is it because they fight harder for their parents’ attention or is it because they simply have more drive in them? Are they more outgoing than their older sibling? Maybe their parents are professionals and they wanted to follow their footsteps? Middle children are typically more humorous- who cares if it’s because they were trying to get attention?! Everyone likes a great sense of humor. Middle kids get to learn from the older sibling’s mistakes. They see how parents react to the older’s actions & they then can devise better plans! They also get great hand-me-downs! Not only clothes, but my middle got my older daughter’s ipod when the older one got a better ipod, laptop, phone, etc. And that’s bad…why??? With regard to the article’s reference to psychotic behavior, low self esteem, etc., I would have to believe that many more variables play into this type of behavior: personality, possible abuse, poor parenting, physical or mental health issues, economic status, learning disabilities, or other factors. Not to say that there aren’t middle kids feeling left out- I’m sure there are. There may also be older or younger siblings who feel the same way. My point is, before blaming all problems on birth order, get to the true issue so it can be addressed. I see this all the time in my office- parents blaming their child’s behavior on this issue, or ADHD, or bipolar. I refuse to slap a label on the kid. Instead, we focus on the real issues & address them. I hope that all kids, in whatever birth order they are, find what makes them thrive- & roll with it! Good luck everyone!!!
I understand you Ally. Like you I am an October baby and eleven years old.The only different thing is my siblings are 6 years apart from each other. I’m always feeling left out (Except when my sister goes some where else). The only place that I ever get attention is at school or when my grandpa visits. Sometimes that’s still not even the case. My siblings do things Purposely to get me in trouble. When They do things some how I am the cause of it. So basically our whole scenario is the same.
OMG. Every bit is sooo accurate to me, that I cried while reading this. OMG. What can I do about it?
Yes, I was a middle child and I too experienced a lot of the same issues growing up. I had feelings of never being good enough even though I excelled at a lot of things more so than my older or younger sibling. My older brother was popular my little sister socially awkward and quite “bitchy” to be frank. She got away with everything and never had to do anything. My brother has Type 1 diabetes so he needed a lot of extra care and attention. He was very popular in school, he was a senior when I was a freshman. But my brother was an underachiever, barely made it through high school not because he isn’t bright but because he was more concerned with football and drugs and parties. I was the high achiever, graduating in the top of my class currently doing my undergrad to be pharmaceutical scientist. I remember beaming handing my parents a report card with the lowest mark being a 97/100 and my mother actually scolded me because the 97 had dropped from a 99 and said nothing positive about it. My brother handed in his report card 10 minutes later and for the first time in his life got an 80 average meaning honor roll. My parents were thrilled, they went on about how proud they were and gave him 10 dollars. I had never gotten an average less than a 95 (high honor roll) and never got squat. I asked why he gets money for honor roll when I’m always on high honor roll and I never get anything (including recognition). My mom laughed and said if we paid you every time you made high honors we’d go broke and dismissed me going back to praising my brother. My sister is well quite sensitive, depressed, strange, and just plain mean and harsh. Anytime we fought I was in trouble and not her because “I’m older and I know better” I had the feelings of being unloved. I felt that nothing I did was ever good enough for my parents. I had the emptiness that black hole that I felt consumed me when I was young. I didn’t have the faintest idea of who I was. But I taught me so much. From a young age I took care of myself and hated asking for help from anyone. My family thought I was not going to be too bright because I am blonde and have ditzy tendencies but I excelled at school. I had a love/hate relationship with my mom who has her fair share of issues. We constantly fought and I was constantly being insulted by her and cussed out and grounded starting around the age of 8. I developed this notion that I was a bad and unlovable person and compensated by being quiet, sweet, and kind. I was shy in school always feeling like an outcast. When I got to high school I finally started getting attention especially from the older boys. My brother told me that his group of girl friends dubbed me to be the prettiest girl in school now that they were seniors graduating. The attention was addictive. But I had the sense not to date any boys until my senior year. I may have played games with boys heads, making them like me so I could feel loved but never actually going on a date with them. I made myself a reputation saying no when asked on a date by the most popular boy in school. I took care of by myself I knew better than to date the older boys, not that my brother would have allowed it, and I leaned more towards the sweet, nerdy, cute boys rather than the hot douchebags. Despite the attention from the boys and my easygoing kind personality I was still very shy and quiet and didn’t really fit in with my classmates. I had my own group of friends from early childhood and stuck with them. My friends all moved away before me since they were older and my senior year I found myself alone. I finally started being more social and getting to know my classmates better. I graduated high school top of my class, well-liked, and in love. But I was still itching to get out of my home and take care of myself in the real world. I’m glad that I was a middle child because it has encouraged me to have high standards for myself, to take care of myself, and to succeed. I still struggle from confidence issues in my capabilities, but I work really hard to remind myself that I am the only one holding myself back. My brother is a drug addict living at home at age 23 my sister is 17 about to be a senior in high school and is extremely socially awkward and depressed with no goals for her future. I on the other hand am 19 suceeding as a sophmore in college (two states over and a 4 hour drive from my home) and I have a great group of friends that I created for myself and introduced to each other where I feel completely loved and accepted. I have a boyfriend back home who is simply amazing to me and constantly makes me feel loved and appreciated. He listens to all my stupid issues from childhood and encourages me to talk to him about them so he can understand me better. Plus he’s actually extremely driven and hot as all hell. He one of those closet nerds that know how to be social and extremely good looking but secretly are smart and sweet and nerdy (SCORE!). Growing up I was depressed but seeing where it got me now, especially in comparison to my siblings. I’m glad that I was a middle child. Because I’m taking what I went through and using it to be successful and happy. I’m studying to work as a scientist in a lab with the dream of researching diabetes and helping to find a cure. I was inspired to follow this career path by my brother whom I love and is my friend now that we’re older and the 4 years isn’t such a big gap. I’ve been getting through to my sister more, giving her life advice, I think she looks up to me. Both my siblings make jokes that I am the golden child and its true that my dad my favors me(he is truly a wonderful father and I adore him). We were always close but he owned his own business and was always working to supply for the family when we were kids, he wan’t around much for our childhoods except for a couple hours a night. Now he’s getting older he spends more time at home and when I come home from school I am thrilled to spend time with him. I suffered from middle child syndrome BIG TIME. But I overcame it. You can too, don’t let your own self doubt get in the way of your happiness. You can succeed if you work on bettering your self and making yourself do things that don’t always feel comfortable. Set goals like, start a conversation with someone new today. And do it, even if it seems scary or stupid. Eventually the little things add up and you realize that no one is judging you as harshly as your judging yourself. People are a lot more worried about what you think about them then they are about what you are saying. Trust me. Even now that I know how to come off polished and social I still second guess my self and occasionally freak out and go back into my shell when meeting too many people at once. I guess my main point is IT GETS BETTER. That is if you CHOSE to make it better. Don’t just whine about how much being in the middle sucks. It’s probably not easy being oldest or youngest either. My sister was spoiled rotten to the point where she will never be able to take care of herself. My brother has the constant feeling like hes the screw up of the family and that I outshine him. Being a kid is rough. Dwell on it or use it to improve yourself.
Great Story. I hope your brother and sister find their way.
fyi – I already found the cure for diabetes; don’t drink high fructose corn syrup, or other processed foods…
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